Friday, December 31, 2010

Out with the old...

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson 

2010 is almost over. It seems as though the older I get the faster the years pass. I keep thinking 2010 was a buss year. What does that mean? I feel as though I've been grumpy and whiny for most of it. Even now as the year comes to a close - I feel unwell. Swollen tonsils, body aches, fever/chills... this is not what I need right now. Nor do I feel the need for the stress of having to finish this dissertation in time for January 4th. Am still stuck on 'why am I doing this MBA again?' - I feel like giving it all up - going off somewhere and doing non-academic type work. What's preventing me from doing this? Money - or the lack thereof... am too practical-minded or maybe I don't have enough faith - I need to know that there is a steady income coming from somewhere - this might be because I'm a Taurus... or it might be the influence of my dad who is Very Practical and Real World. One cannot live on dreams alone (though I'd wither away without them). 

2011 is almost here. I want it to be filled with joy. I want a good year. I want to travel and experience new experiences. I don't want to have to worry about money or health (of myself and my family) or what I should be doing. I want freedom and a job which allows for some creative expression. Lately I've been thinking I want a partner - I haven't been too impressed with what's on offer around me though. I want to be finished with this MBA. Argh! *sigh* 

My mom tagged me in a post from Paulo Coelho Did you walk a path that wasn't yours? I don't know? Maybe. I hope that whatever I've done has some purpose to it... some contribution to the future me. How does one know one's path? I'd like to have a clue in 2011. 

Wishing you a peaceful ending to 2010 and all that you dream of for 2011. 

love,
Ren

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Interesting read...

Inside 'Inception': Could Christopher Nolan's Dream World Exist in Real Life? - ABC News

Cuz I was talking to a friend about Inception earlier and now the thoughts are stuck in my head...

peace,
Ren

Apathy & Inertia...

"Without knowing what I am and why I am here, life is impossible." ~ Leo Tolstoy

 
Ever wondered what people think about you? What do they see when they look at you? How do they feel when they interact with you? I've spent some time wondering. I don't quite know the answer. To some, I come across as mature-responsible-adult... or as fun-friendly-happy... or as capable-aware-knowledgable... or as gloomy-sad-tired. Different aspects of myself are exposed in different situations I guess. Different projections as it were.

I've been feeling grumpy about the world at large. Last week I had to work a career day at a prestigious all-boys school. The students (boys from age 11ish - 18ish) did not particularly care about what we were there to tell them. There was no hint of interest... nothing beyond the want of 'free ting' (promotional items from my company: pencils, lanyards and the most popular - a combo measuring tape/led flashlight). Was I like that at that age? I don't think so (I sincerely hope not) - how can they not think about what they should be doing, where they should be going, what exists around them? If this is our future people then I am .. concerned.

I went to the University of the West Indies Food Fest Exhibition (in celebration of World Food Day) this weekend. Whilst I was only there for a short period of time I thought that there was a significant lack of persons attending. Although it is heartening to see the amount of effort put out by the University and the Ministry of Food Production, Land and Marine Affairs in presenting this exhibition - I thought that more persons should have come out to see and learn about what is essentially seeing about a basic need (we do all need food right? - no breatharians yet). It's a largely apathetic society we're living in - while I'm sure there must be something I should be doing to help persons get out of this rut I don't know what it is.

And speaking of ruts... my dissertation is not going anywhere. I've gotten advice from family and friends about writing and planning and laying it all out - I can't seem to get myself to care about it... or do anything remotely related to it. Is it inertia as so many suggest? Is it my higher self saying why are you doing this? Again I don't know.

All I know in this moment is that I've got to find my way somehow. That's about it.

peace,

Ren



Wednesday, November 10, 2010

A tale of two knives...

"If a story is in you, it has got to come out." ~William Faulkner 

I sliced off a bit of my finger yesterday. Thankfully it is already healing or this would have been a very cranky post... one can't necessarily type well when there is finger pain. How did I damage myself? As I said to a friend - one must not try to please people at early hours of the morning. 

The story: It was somewhere between 5 and 6 am and I was chopping up some garlic to chunkay my pot of dhal when my dad came into the kitchen. I generally don't like people in the kitchen (this trait is shared by my brother - it is his kitchen when he's cooking) - it messes with my flow - I know when, how, what, why and where I'm doing things... I don't need other people there with me. My dad especially is not someone you want in the kitchen with you - he pokes around... gets in the way... generally starts talking about all sorts of things... argh. On this particular occasion he was not happy cuz I was using the mini-chopper (knife?) that I've been using to chop stuff since I was... young (since I learnt to cook? maybe)... This chopper belonged to my dad's parents - am not quite sure how it made its way to our house but it did and it is my official chopper. It fits perfectly in my hand unlike most other things. There's a sense of familiarity and many great meals cooked with it. It just is my chopper. As I said though - my dad was not pleased. He gave us a knife set for Divali you see... a Ginsu Stainless Steel 2 Piece Santoku Set of which the 5" blade is apparently mine to be used. It is admittedly a gorgeous knife - all stainless steel, serrated, double-edged blade. It can cut through anything. Really. So he starts to complain that I'm using my chopper which can't do the job as fabulously as the new knife and I give in. Sometimes it is far easier to just go along with something than to argue about it. And in perhaps less than 5 minutes of using the fabulous new knife - I slice off the tip of my left index finger. Remember I said it could cut through anything? I didn't even realise my finger was in the way until I saw the blood welling up (who knew fingers could bleed so much?)... all I can say is .. OW! I'm really glad it's on its way to being healed. 

Whilst I'm sure at some point in the future I'll be using the new knife for now I'll be sticking to my old chopper. Really, one should not try to use new knives at early hours... just as one should not try to please people (or just try to get them to be quiet already) instead of sticking with what one knows.


peace,

Ren

Monday, November 8, 2010

Mouth open story jump out...

"Telling stories is as basic to human beings as eating. More so, in fact, for while food makes us live, stories are what make our lives worth living." ~Richard Kearney

Caught your attention with that title didn't I? lol... it's apparently a Trini saying - I'd never heard it before last week. My uncle shared it in an email  response to one I'd sent. My family is made of storytellers I think. There are some who are able to weave words into songs or poems or stories and perhaps I'm one of them (or will one day grow to be).

It is my belief that in sharing our experiences and thoughts we also share our happiness and sorrows... we record our memories... we provide food for thought... and so this post is just that... a mini collection of memories old and new.

I went to the Divali Nagar last Wednesday all by myself. It is a combination of Indian cultural exhibitions and bazaar and is usually held in the week leading up to Divali here in Trinidad and Tobago. I can't remember when last I was there but it was sometime when I was still in school... secondary school? tertiary? I don't remember. What I do remember is that whenever we (my mum, my brother and I) would visit  we'd (my brother & I) get balloons. Helium-filled balloons in odd colours that we'd then tie on to our wrists. They had a purpose of course. I'm fairly short you see... (at 12 I was one of the tallest girls in my class - I didn't know at the time that that would be my final height) and my brother was also somewhat short (not having hit his growth spurt yet)... and so the balloons helped us to keep track of each other... We'd get separated in the throngs of ppl and then stop to look for a familiar balloon rising above the crowds... lol and so when I went by myself I missed it... there was no balloon to look for... except that I looked up at one point and saw one floating away. Perhaps some other pair of siblings had just lost their location markers? Perhaps some child had just grown tired of holding on to the ribbon. It was familiar and yet not and I found myself caught up in feelings of nostalgia as I wandered around by myself.

This weekend was Divali... we celebrated in a small way... just us at home and my brother's girlfriend. My brother cooked everything - quite obviously we've brought him up well - lol... Didn't have much to do besides organise house... My mum wasn't so well... She overexerts herself without realising it. Her doctor recommended that she do a session of chemo so we'll see how that goes... to do or not to do - that is her question. It hurts to see her so frail and sad-looking when I know what a vibrantly alive person she is. I ask myself if I could be as strong as she is if I were in her situation and I find that I have no answers. Who can say what they will and won't do in a situation unless they are placed in it? For now I know we're spending time in prayer... building up the healing vibes and such. Divali 2010... already come and gone.


peace,
Ren

Monday, November 1, 2010

Return to the Blogosphere...

"When you feel that you have reached the end and that you cannot go one step further, when life seems to be drained of all purpose; what a wonderful opportunity to start all over again, to turn over a new page." ~ Eileen Caddy

It's been awhile since I've been on here. I'll admit to starting posts and not finishing them (I've deleted those drafts... ah well) and also to having random ideas for blog posts pop into my head at odd moments. It hasn't felt right to actually write anything till now though. Perhaps I needed time away from the computer. As I've said before, between work & school I tend to spend a LOT of time on computers... it can be tiring.

I also was going through a down period (depression is too harsh a word really) - it just felt for a while like I didn't know what I was doing or why ... fuzzy really. It could be that I got put on the pill or it could just be overwork or it could have been any number of factors occuring in everyday life.

I'm back though.. or at least I feel more upbeat than I have in some time. It's that time of year given to focus on darkness and light and the veil between worlds. Whether you believe in it or not I think most people are drawn into the energy that builds at this time. Yesterday was Halloween - a holiday that is totally American in the making and one that is making its way into Trinbagonian culture. It annoys me when persons don't learn about things they want to participate in - please look at the History channel people... witches and black cats and etcetera were not originally bringers of creepy, scary things. It also annoys me that persons wanting to participate in Halloween in Trinidad and Tobago would prefer to wear scanty underthings instead of incorporating the local folkore - we have our own scary legends and folklore after all. *sigh* Perhaps I need to be more tolerant. My family (along with just about all the Hindus in T&T and around the world) is preparing for the festival of Divali on Friday... Right now is a time of cleansing, reflection and celebration ... to be followed by Christmas which should really be about the same. Prayerful times ahead.

And so I leave you now with a recap of the last month or so...
  • I went to a rally with my dad... saw a LOT of mud... and some pretty good driving too:
  • There was family bonding (on my mum's side) ... some family members died. it was the anniversary of the death of my aunt. there were birthdays... this is where we come from (my cousins, our parents and I):


  • There was bonding with my friends... celebrating birthdays and the acquisition of new living spaces and the fact that we're still friends after all this time....
  • There was awareness of breast cancer activities (October is breast cancer awareness month) - I took part in Boobiethon 2010 and generally tried to be supportive of whatever activities were happening.
  • I read innumerable text books online. Oy. Leadership. Oy.
  • We missed getting hit by Tropical Storm (now hurricane) Tomas.
What did you do with your September/October? What plans do you have for the rest of the year?

peace,

Ren

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Magic.. Faith.. Belief..

"Whether we name divine presence synchronicity, serendipity, or graced moment matters little. What matters is the reality that our hearts have been understood. Nothing is as real as a healthy dose of magic which restores our spirits." ~Nancy Long 

I've got a red [faded red now] string tied around my left wrist. It's been there since the end of July last year and I just haven't gotten around to taking it off... the monk that put it on said it would wear off but it shows no signs of doing so... do I just leave it on? That's what I think, as it's a comfort now... a reminder of magic things. 

It amuses me [mostly... on a bad day I'm peeved] that here in Trinidad random people naturally assume that I'm Hindu. On one level... ok I get it ... our society is generally made up of Hindus, Muslims and Christians and of those major faiths it's only the Hindus [that I know of] that go around wearing red strings tied around their wrists. On another level... really? Do people not realise that there are other faiths out there that use the red string?

I got mine in a Buddhist ceremony I took part in last year... a Healing Chöd led by Dungse Rigdzin Dorje Rinpoche which was an overall amazing experience that I can't begin to put into words. Perhaps that is one of the reasons I don't want to part with my string... as I said... it's a bit of magic... protection against evil... a reminder of beautiful things. As is all things spiritual and faith-based I guess. Today is the fall equinox... time to reflect, renew, refresh... tomorrow is the full moon - full moon in September is the Harvest Moon - to me it all speaks of coming back to ourselves and connecting with the earth and sky and all that is inside and outside of us. 

It's a magic time. Miracles or what one can call miracles are happening. It's the end of a period of worship dedicated to Lord Ganesh and apparently Ganesh murtis are accepting the offerings of milk and water. While I'm not a full-fledged Hindu (all religions are equal in my book) my family does lean more towards Hinduism than other fates and thus... I'm a believer in miracles. Almost 15 years ago this same phenomenon known as the Hindu Milk Miracle on Wikipedia took place. Coincidence? Maybe. Maybe not. 


It feels like a good time for some prayer though... and a card reading or two...    

peace,
Ren 

Monday, September 20, 2010

Memory Lane Monday - threads that bind...

"There are times to cultivate and create when you nurture your world and give birth to new ideas and ventures. There are times of flourishing and abundance, when life feels in full bloom, energized and expanding. And there are times of fruition when things come to an end. They have reached their climax and must be harvested before they begin to fade. And finally of course, there are times that are cold, and cutting and empty, times when the spring of new beginnings seems like a distant dream. Those rhythms in life are natural events. They weave into one another as day follows night, bringing, not messages of hope and fear, but messages of how things are." ~Chogyam Trungpa 


A memory which surfaced today:
When I was younger (much younger) there was a children's show called 'The Littl' Bits' which I watched after school for months? years? I can't remember. It was essentially about the adventures of a race of little people living in the woods. And for you reader... (yay for youtube!) I found the intro:

 


It came to mind because I remember there was one episode where there was a weaving competition. Complete with looms and spinning yarn and whatnot. Why did weaving come to mind? I think I'd like to try out a loom sometime. Last July-August some friends started teaching me how to knit (I'm still on my 1st project - maybe it'll finish by the end of the year?) ... and like I do with most things I get interested in, I signed up for a bunch of yarn/knitting type e-newsletters. One appeared in my inbox today showing how to weave a blanket on a loom. I think I'd like to try that out sometime.



Memories made over this weekend:
  • A crazy lady (ok ... maybe she's not crazy) left a voicemail accusing 'Nicki' of going around with her husband and threatening 'Nicki' that if she doesn't leave the man alone (am guessing crazy lady = man's wife) she [nicki] would be on d receiving end of one cut-ass from crazy lady. Meep. My name's not Nicki. Am fully prepared to avoid all calls from that phone number now. 
  • Exercised via mirror neurons. Spent most of Saturday watching 'Women of Ninja Warrior' on G4... Those women rule. Seriously. :)
  • Contemplations of the fairness/unfairness of life and death. My mom's cousin died in an accident this weekend. Burnt to death inside the vehicle cuz they couldn't get her out. Fair? Unfair? If souls choose their moment of death why would a soul choose that type of death? Is it just a bit weird that I feel no sense of horror over this death? That's life... *shoulder shrug* people die every day and some in even worse ways. Jaded? Am I? Seen too much. Know too much. Maybe. What will be, will be. 
  •  
    Nite all,

    peace,
    Ren

    Tuesday, September 14, 2010

    Busy day tomorrow...

    "Do not assume that she who seeks to comfort you now, lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. Her life may also have much sadness and difficulty that remains far beyond yours. Were it otherwise, she would never have been able to find these words." ~Rainer Maria Rilke 

    Tomorrow is set to be a busy day... Am trying to think it easy from now... I shall not be stressed. I will get there when I get there. I will talk to whoever I'm supposed to talk too. I will do whatever I must do. 
    I really should be in bed at the moment... Am gonna be up @ 4 am... out of my house around @ 6.30 am... not back in till nightime... 8 pm? 9? 

    I'll be working shifts at:

    Yay? Hopefully... 

    Will be at the office after that... and then classes after that... why am I studying again? who has time to study? 

    Life is hectic at the moment... am trying to be still... 

    peace,

    Ren

    Thursday, September 9, 2010

    Tidbit Thursday...

    Time: 2:38 am
    Mood: alert

    There are days when I take my time with waking up but that requires conscious decision that.. No. I do not need to get up just yet... Usually I go from asleep to awake in under 2 minutes.

    I awake today to the sound of rain pounding on the roof. I lie awake listening to it for some minutes but then the thought crosses my mind - maybe I should take a video? - so I can share with the non-tropical world what a thunderstorm really sounds like... Alas, I'm too lazy at this hour to put on my light and get out my camera - just know world that it sounds like a muted roar sorta like what you'd think 40 nights and days or rain would sound like. Occasional flashes of lightening and I wait for the thunder but maybe it's too far away to hear it?

    I wish I could lie here but I'm not built like that - must check to see that all is well before I can allow myself that luxury. I find myself hovering outside my brother's closed bedroom door - is all well? How can one tell through a closed door? No sound from inside and one must go on faith... Make my way on silent feet to my mom's room - I can walk silently if I have to though now all footsteps or soft sounds are drowned out by the falling rain. Hover by my mom's bedside and wait to see the comforting rise and fall of her chest as she sleeps - I've done this more times with her than other family members... Just because. One more to check on but first a detour to look through the windows at the pouring rain. Turning around am almost shocked by the sight of another person - no worries, just dad - and now you know I'm not the only one that does these checks (I imagine it must be frustrating for him now that my brother and I close our bedroom doors to sleep).

    We go to look out the back windows... Can't see the river in the dark... Quick prayer that it's not on the rise though the rain has been falling heavily for some time. Soft discussion about the quantity of water coming through the spouting - our drains weren't built to hold so much water...travelling plans for the day...general plans for the day. I see the curtains move in the house across the street - we're not the only ones awake. It's mildly ironic that our weatherman said there was only 10% chance of bad weather... The national hurricane has us ready for storm watch but the weatherman wasn't sure why...

    Time to go back to bed and I think I'll leave my door open for the rest of the night...just because.


    -----***-----


    Time: 3:36 pm
    Mood: drowsy

    Perhaps I need a siesta? Am at work - as I have been since 8: 10 this am... As soon as I got here I was ready to go back home. There was flood and traffic and was just really glad I wasn't the one driving. Got dropped to work by my dad cuz my brother has to carry mum for radiation. Ergh.

    Am not sure how I feel about that. Strong tests by the Universe for all of us I guess. I just want her to be well. I think unless persons have been in similar situations they won't know all the drama that comes with having a family member with a serious (considered serious) illness. There's a lot of up and down emotions happening for me which I'm trying to level off. Positive thoughts needed.

    I wanna go home. My computer at work is not working (I'm on someone else's right now) but yet I have so much work to do! It's an additional hassle that is not needed. Buck up IT... have spare parts... Geez. My head hurts.

    Am being kidnapped after work though am a willing victim. Am bumming a ride you see (don't have my car remember?) and so we're going to have either indian or thai or chinese food after work. Yay! food! lol...

    It's still not time to leave. Argh! Back to work for me...


    -----***-----

    Time: 11:38 pm
    Mood: Contemplative

    I should have gone to bed earlier. Came home and checked on mum. Day 1/5 of radiation treatment for cancer in her spine... day-am-not-sure-what of side effects caused by cancer treatments. One day the cure for cancer shall be simple and pain-free. Hopefully that day will come sooner than later. 

    I've got to go to school on Saturday... to find out whether my dissertation proposal has been approved or not. I feel... no enthusiasm... am going through the motions... why am I doing this again? I must remind myself constantly. Personally, I don't think it's worth the hassle. 

    Tomorrow is Eid-ul-Fitr - have been invited by one of my girlfriends. I've always found it interesting that the end of the year has so many celebrations... Eid, Divali, Christmas... that's what we've got here... all equally celebrated. It's a spiritual time I think... a coming back to ourselves... reaffirm... realign. 

    I need to go to bed. 

    Nite all...

    peace,
    Ren

    Tuesday, September 7, 2010

    Timed Post Tuesday! (idk what it will be about yet...)

    "If you nurture your mind, body, and spirit, your time will expand. You will gain a new perspective that will allow you to accomplish more." ~Brian Koslow 

    I've been thinking of doing a timed post... what is it? It's where you time yourself... maybe 5 minutes... or 10 (or more) and just write... No censoring... just transferring what's in your head to paper... or in this case a blog post. So. I'm giving myself 10 minutes to see what comes out. Ready? Set. Go!

    ---------*---------

    It's 11.17 and I just killed a mosquito... except that it isn't dead cuz it just flew away again. Super Mosquito? Am sure that I squashed it. This is not what I want to be writing about. Perhaps I'll start over... it's 11.17 and some more seconds and I initially thought I'd start blogging at 11. Except that I was watching Chopped Champions on the Food Network and was distracted - Food Network can take up a lot of my time if I'm not careful. I don't agree with the winning decision - Pnina should have won. Oh well and letting it go now. For some reason I ended up on the Food Network Chopped page and look! there's a twitter feed! and Aarti Sequeira is on Twitter... AARTI!!! For those of you that don't know about Aarti and her Paarti I shall provide the link...after I'm done with this timing. You see? Food Network can be distracting not just from tv viewing but because of their website and twitter feeds and facebook pages and such. Sometimes I think we have too much technology going on. Surely one day we'll hit overload? Or maybe we'll just evolve such that our brains .. senses.. can absorb data at lightning speeds... 

    My brother told me today about a creature (is it a snake? lizard? - ergh I can't remember) that scientists have found to be evolving... apparently the creature lives on the slopes of a mountain so that there are some in the valley and some higher up the mountain... those at the base lay eggs but those higher up have evolved such that they now don't lay eggs... the young grow inside like with us. Evolution... it's happening all around. 

    It's New Moon in Virgo today I believe... an earth sign and I read a really great article about Spider Woman - she's a Goddess though I can't remember which religion... Native American maybe? It's interesting for me cuz it speaks about weaving webs and linkages. I've always thought that people - humans - souls weave webs... spin dreams out of nothing - into the past and into the future and there are all these connections between people, places, things (I remember a game called 'boy, girl, place, thing' - that's neither here nor there at the moment). I just find it interesting. New moon means setting intentions... earthy new moon means grounding and strengthening and building intentions. 

    Am still trying to figure out what my intentions are. There's the mosquito again! and it's 11.27. 

    ---------*---------

    So I think I ramble... but perhaps not. A timed post is cleansing in its own way... Maybe I should have given myself 15 minutes. Or maybe I'll do another timed post on Thursday! :D 

    Here are the links to what I was thinking/talking about:

    Chopped: Food Network

    good night all!

    peace,
    Rtr

    ETA: New Moon was on the 8th (Wednesday)

    Monday, September 6, 2010

    Memory Lane Monday - Thoughts on Living and Dying

    "You don’t get to choose how you’re going to die, or when. But you can decide how you’re going to live now." ~ Joan Baez 

    So here's a true story... a silly story really... when I was younger - maybe 5 or 6 years old - I was very much in love with the Cyndi Lauper song 'True Colours' (colours with a 'u' because British English is my mother language)... I used to listen out for it on the radio and - the silly part - thought that whenever it played on the radio it would appear on the television as well... I'm not sure why I thought the radio and tv were so linked but there you go... That's what I remember when I hear the song now... how when I heard it on the radio I'd look to see if it was on the tv... 

    I haven't written in some time... I'm taking it day by day though perhaps on Mondays I shall write stuff from my memories... I'm on a micro-mini break from school... work is hectic... my mom hasn't been feeling well... I haven't been feeling well... it's been a somewhat stressful time. 

    I've been thinking about life and how persons go about living it... Are you aware of other persons? What do you believe in? What's the plan Stan? When I was younger I had constant flashes of Déjà vu... the feeling of been here before - did this already - don't I know you? Sometimes I wake up and expect to be somewhere else - another time, another place. Sometimes I go through the motions - this isn't my life - where am I supposed to be? What am I to be doing? Sometimes I am in the moment - I try to always be here. 

    In a conversation with my mum and brother we were discussing how as we get older the time seems to move faster... Slower when one is younger and speeding up as the years pass... What will it look like if I live to be 100? I've always thought I'd die at 60-something... my mum's always been the one to want to live to 100... she hasn't been feeling so well though (cancer and all the complications it brings can do that to you) and she's said she'd like to revise her statement... she only wants to live to 100 if she's healthy - able to move around and do things for herself. I agree totally... who wants to hang around in this realm if the vessel is damaged?  Thoughts of life and death swirl around my head - who determines what will be? Is it all a part of me? 

    peace,
    Rtr

    Wednesday, August 18, 2010

    Tempus Fugit...

    "The butterfly counts not months but moments and has time enough." ~Rabindranath Tagore

    I've not been updating much recently and that's mainly due to being slightly overwhelmed with both work and school. After spending most of my time on the computer doing school work or work work - I find it hard to do the simple things like checking email or blogging or seeing what's up on FB or twitter or flickr (at some point I *really* have to link all of these!) ..
     
    I wanted to check in though... I've been seeing butterflies all over... which is not unusual since I live in the tropics.. butterflies are around most of the year.. what's unusual is when and where I see them. Two Saturdays ago I saw a really big one trying to get into the airport... did it have a plane to catch? someone to meet? adventures to be had? Yesterday I saw one crossing the street... I was stuck in traffic and there a butterfly... black with light tails... casually floated across the street two cars in front of me. Why did the butterfly cross the road? To get to the other side... I assume.. though to me there wasn't much difference in the wild bushes on either side of the road. This morning as I drove to work, one almost flew into my windshield but, with the grace and general lightness characteristic of the flights of butterflies, it flew above my car just in time... 
     
    What's with all the butterflies? I think they mean transformation, grace, beauty, transition? In some cultures the butterfly is associated with the soul... Should I be doing some soul work? Or as it is right now.. just be aware?
     
    I'm tired and looking forward to next week... I plan to sleep for HOURS... lol
     
    peace,
    Ren

    Wednesday, August 4, 2010

    Hump Day...

    "If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you." ~Jesus (The Gospel of Thomas/Gnostic Gospels) 


    In a strange way I guess it's appropriate that I'm posting on a Wednesday after not posting for some time. What is 'hump day' you ask? It's that day (usually Wednesday if you're working a regular Monday - Friday job) that represents maximum hope that yes, you just might manage until the weekend... and freedom from the job and routine. It's that bit of relief of getting over the hard bits... and so I'm using it in a broad sense... today is hump day and hopefully things will get better from here.

    I've not written for three weeks approximately... and I know this because I've been keeping track of my Saturdays (Saturday being my last busy day and Sunday being my only free day). The first Saturday I missed I also skipped class. I woke up feeling decidedly unwell... rolled over and sent a text msg to my dad saying "I'm not going to school today". If I ever decide to skip class or work or anything remotely responsible I alert my dad first... mostly cuz he is of the very focused and responsible type and panics when he realises I'm not up and about and getting ready to do whatever (is panic too strong a word? ...I don't think so). So, although I've not missed ANY classes at all in this MBA program the first thing I do is reassure my dad that it's ok... I can skip class... people do it all the time... 100% attendance is not required. That was my first Saturday... I wasn't feeling well... I was home alone though I can't remember where everybody was at this point and I found myself crying over the kitchen sink... something is either very wrong or very right when you find yourself crying over soapy dishes. All I can say is it wasn't all very right... though I can't identify what exactly is the matter... problem ... issue? By the time everyone got home I was mostly better... walls up and of course I'm fine. I'm not good at sharing emotions... or rather sharing MY emotions... I can help people with their emotional issues... sympathize and empathize... when it comes to my own drama I'm not great at letting people in... is it that I'm so focused on being strong and being there (and of course you can lean on me and yes I can take care of it) that has made the walls? Self-analysis is hard to do and it often gets swept away in the daily drama that is life on the material plane... That Sunday was my girl Andrea's official bridal shower (the one with her mom and relatives and no stripper)... It was fun-filled with much laughter and tears and oh my god she's getting married! Games and gifts and wishes for marital bliss (I think there will be much of that).
    Cookies for d bride & bridesmaids

    The second Saturday was the wedding... yes, this means that I skipped class again (yes, my dad was not happy upon learning that  - though he did try to pretend it didn't bother him). I was a bridesmaid! Lol... My first wedding I was involved with since being a flower girl when I was young (5? 6?)... It was beautiful... The bride was radiant (I'm not just saying that cuz she is my friend... Overwhelming happiness tends to shine through)... The groom was radiant in a masculine way (am not sure what you say about grooms but he was happy too)... the ceremony and the reception went well... we didn't cry (much? I admit to having teary eyes.. am not sure about the others)... the dancing and party (reception... lol) was amazing. I guess it shall now be the wedding we measure all weddings against. And we played tassa... lol... I believe I mentioned in a previous post that we were learning to play as a sorta-surprise-gift... we learnt... we played... we were well-received (we even got people telling us they'd hire us!) lol .. it was a good day/night... the Sunday was mostly spent recuperating...
    Me: tassa-playing bridesmaid.
    The third Saturday - I dragged myself out of bed (I really wanted to skip class!)... It's been pretty rainy in the Caribbean and the day before (Friday 30th July), for the first time in my entire life, we get real flood. All mih neighbours' houses get flooded. Luckily, we didn't... we're prepared in a way... As I understand water flowed over our fence and into the yard ... the whole street was underwater... it doesn't help to live in a valley in a hilly area... I've got no pics - I missed the great flood of 2010 (hopefully there shall be no more) because I was at work. By the time I got home the waters had receded and there was just mud everywhere. It's just been a really rainy weekend and a lot of Trinidad (haven't heard much on Tobago so I assume they didn't get badly flooded) got hit with floods... On the one hand I feel sorry... it is a disaster and there's loss of property and livelihood and food prices are gonna go up cuz crops got washed away... on the other hand I feel it is somewhat deserved... is that a harsh thing to say? Am not sure how many Trinis care about their impact on the environment and whilst we can't control the weather we should be able to control things like quarrying and deforestation and proper rubbish disposal. It bothers me and makes me grumpy..sad..annoyed. 

    It was a long weekend as well... we got Monday off due to Emancipation ... any day off from work is a good day. Does it sound like I don't like my job? It's got good days and bad... I'm going out on the field more... interacting with persons more which brings its own set of positives and negatives... I feel stifled though and I don't think it's the job alone but coming back around to the crying over the kitchen sink episode... It's like I'm supposed to be doing something but I don't know what or how or where I should be... and today on Facebook a sister posts up a note... message from Tama:
    "An unused gift is a keg of dynamite. It's dangerous. It leaks out and begins to poison you. It haunts your cells with a hoarse song, "use me or die, use me or die." Your gifts are powerful energy sources. It takes so much energy to hold back life. It hurts to choose smallness. It hurts to let yourself down in secret ways, muffling the cries that no one else hears. It hurts to resist the evolutionary instinct within you to grow, express, go beyond survival and thrive, and stake your one true place upon this planet."
     It resonates. I'm having some health issues and some soul issues and at the bottom of it I feel it's all connected. Am just not sure what it is that I need to be doing. What am I to share? Who am I to reach? I bleed and don't know why and try to ignore and pretend to myself and to others that I'm fine. I feel fragile and fragmented and really on some level wish that I could let go. With all that I've learnt shouldn't I be able to let go and trust that I shall be taken care of? Questions and thoughts and half-formed phrases and sentences floating around my head. Is it that I have to shatter.. fall to pieces before being whole? Strong urge to pack up and leave... live day to day as an adventure. Responsibilities... I wonder what it means to people... work + school + expectations? Crawling under my skin and I feel both very young and very old at the same time. 


    Dark night of the soul and then hump day... 


    Perhaps it will all get better from here? Perhaps I need words of advice? Perhaps I just need to stay home and get some sleep tomorrow. 


    peace,
    Ren

     

    Friday, July 9, 2010

    What’s Calling You? Tips For Listening to Signs from the Universe That Guide Your Path | Owning Pink

    "What about you? What’s calling you? What would you do if you took fear out of the equation? If someone handed you a microphone and put you in front of an audience on the last day of your life, what would you say to the world?" ~Lissa Rankin

    Just sharing this article:

     
     
    peace,
    Rtr

    Wednesday, July 7, 2010

    And we're out..

    "What is defeat? Nothing but education, nothing but the first step toward something better." ~Wendell Phillips 

    Germany that is. Alas Spain won 1:0. Sadness... Am now supporting Holland for the finals... 

    World Cup 2014 - Am supporting T&T... if we don't get in then... Germany ;) lol

    peace,
    Rtr

    Germany vs Spain

    "In football everything is complicated by the presence of the opposite team." ~Jean Paul Sartre



    In just under an hour Germany goes up against Spain in the semifinal match of World Cup 2010. Whoever wins this game will play Holland on Sunday July 10th to determine the winner of this World Cup.

    Am excited. Backing Germany all the way... they backed us when we made it to World Cup 2006 after all :)

    Will be following the game via: http://www.fifa.com/live/competitions/worldcup/matchday=23/day=1/match=300111114/index.html

    I am at work after all.

    Go Germany!!!

    peace,
    Rtr

    Tuesday, July 6, 2010

    I'm a driver.

    "Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do." ~Jason Love

    Although I've had my driver's license since 2005 (yes, I was late getting it), I only really started driving last year. As of November 2009, I am the owner of a car... which explains really why I started driving. When you don't have your own car you tend to drive less simply because it's easier to either travel where you want to go or ask someone with a car to carry you wherever.

    I like travelling... via taxi, maxi or bus... when I'm abroad I like travelling by subway and train... It is entertaining and eye-opening - there is so much one can discover about a place by travelling with public transportation. It's also really useful to know, in case you get stuck somewhere, how to get home without much assistance.

    Having a car opens up a new means of transportation. It is more solitary. You are part of the hustle but yet separate... cocooned in your own metal bubble. I've discovered that I enjoy singing more - maybe it's cuz I like music... maybe cuz I want voices to fill the space and the only one there is mine (usually... sometimes my girlfriends are in the car and then we all sing along). Then there's the question of manners. How polite are Trini drivers? It's been said that we're the worst in the world... with all the bad drives and road rage around it's hard to be polite at all times. It's a question of staying centered... and balanced... 'yes, I shall let you through but not you... don't push... flash a smile and please, let me through'... It's not about male drivers or female drivers but about people trying to get from one place to the other.

    I arrived late to work this morning - two accidents on the northbound lane of the highway... I know the roads in Central pretty well though ... so while a lot of people were stuck in crawling traffic I was making my way through the back roads... I confess - I didn't reach to work late because of traffic but because I found myself with some time to go to the bank and whatnot - I actually arrived before a lot of my work people.

    It's still a strange experience having a car... less worry of how to get places... more worry about the cost of gas... mileage... fans and belts and how often do I need to check oil again? It's freeing in a way - more responsibility in a way... I wonder what other people think. Road hogs and responsible drivers... T&T has so many vehicles now.

    Saying a prayer for whoever was involved in those accidents this morning... Saying a prayer to protect myself and those I love, care for, like, know... just about everybody really ... to be safe on our roads.

    peace,
    Rtr

    Monday, July 5, 2010

    The things that can happen in 10 days...

    "Let us not get so busy or live so fast that we can't listen to the music of the meadow or the symphony that glorifies the forest. Some things in the world are far more important than wealth; one of them is the ability to enjoy simple things." ~Dale Carnegie

    A recap of the days that I've not blogged:

    • Saturday 26th into Sunday 27th: School (E&I class - Yay!, OT class - Boo!), Night of the Bridesmaids (Spartacus + Pizza + Entertainment from male stripper + Late night run to SuperPharm + Dance till morning @ 51 + Swimming Pool fun = Overall Fabulous Girl Time) 

    • Fully Sunday 27th: Intention Setting - Discussion group based on this talk 

    • Monday 28th: Bridesmaid shoe bought. Bronze. Sky-high heel. Whoa. Work work work.

    • Tuesday 29th: Work work work. bleh.

    • Wednesday 30th: Work work work. Birthday cake + Ice cream @ work. Tassa practice.

    • Thursday 1st July: Mum's Birthday!!! Age not to be disclosed (if I'm letting ppl know then I must tell them she's 44 - that's not her age though)... much blessings of health and good fortune and love always mum. No work... muahahaha! Happy Canada Day!

    • Friday 2nd July: Work work work. Tassa practice. Visit from cousins who visiting.

    • Saturday 3rd July: School: (E&I class - Yay!, OT class - Boo!), Death Anniversary of Relative - Prayers... Prayers food... Germany won their match against Argentina!!!

    • Sunday 4th July: Free day! no work! no school! be overwhelmed with exhaustion - sleep all day? nah just half... Happy 4th of July!
    What have you all been doing?

    peace,
    Rtr

    Friday, June 25, 2010

    Finding rhythm...

    "To live is to be musical, starting with the blood dancing in your veins. Everything living has a rhythm. Do you feel your music?" ~Michael Jackson



    Today is the anniversary of the death of Michael Jackson... his death day... I don't think he needs any type of introduction really... He was one of the greatest entertainers of his time - the King of Pop - and contributed to music, dance and fashion. Taking a moment here to remember him.
     
    I've been learning to play tassa - in the bit of spare time I've got... lol. It's fun and it's with my my girlfriends and it's for the wedding of one of our group. We'll only be playing perhaps a 2-minute rhythm (details aren't finalised yet) and then the actual tassa group will be playing. It's meant as a sorta-gift... we're her bridesmaids you see. It's pretty cool. 

    The problem is... I can't seem to find my rhythm. It's a bit of an issue as I'm the 'fulley' - am supposed to hold a steady rhythm for the group. Ergh. lol.. Ah well... I've been feeling tense lately... bit stifled... bit claustrophobic...  which could be the reason of course... Just have to figure out how to get through it.  

    Saw the movie Fame (the 2009 version) on Sunday with my family... Kinda wish there was a performing arts school to go to - even though I know that in my own teenage years I was even more shy and non-participative than I am now. I feel like dancing and singing and such though - there should be somewhere Trini people can go to with a large space and wooden floors and fabulous acoustics... I miss the yoga room at Hill House at Kripalu though while I was there I didn't make that much use of it.

    Gotta figure it out - get into a groove... maybe channel MJ at our tassa practice today. Isn't it funny that my I Ching hexagram for today is "containment of potential"? Focused attention is required it says... Hmm...

    peace,
    Rtr

    Sunday, June 20, 2010

    Happy Father's Day!!!

    "When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around.  But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years."  ~Mark Twain, "Old Times on the Mississippi" Atlantic Monthly, 1874

    I think perhaps that there is no more appropriate quote on this day. My dad and I have lots of karma as my mum likes to say. We've had our share of disagreements and misunderstandings. As I get older though I realise that a lot of what he's been trying to tell me for so long and a lot of the stuff he does is... real. True. With age comes not only wisdom but appreciation. We'll continue to have our disagreements and such but at the heart of it I know that there is love and that he is really only doing/saying what he thinks is best for me. I love you daddy. Happy Father's Day to all fathers and father-figures. You provide half of the whole. 

    peace,
    Rtr