Hump Day...

"If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you." ~Jesus (The Gospel of Thomas/Gnostic Gospels) 

In a strange way I guess it's appropriate that I'm posting on a Wednesday after not posting for some time. What is 'hump day' you ask? It's that day (usually Wednesday if you're working a regular Monday - Friday job) that represents maximum hope that yes, you just might manage until the weekend... and freedom from the job and routine. It's that bit of relief of getting over the hard bits... and so I'm using it in a broad sense... today is hump day and hopefully things will get better from here.

I've not written for three weeks approximately... and I know this because I've been keeping track of my Saturdays (Saturday being my last busy day and Sunday being my only free day). The first Saturday I missed I also skipped class. I woke up feeling decidedly unwell... rolled over and sent a text msg to my dad saying "I'm not going to school today". If I ever decide to skip class or work or anything remotely responsible I alert my dad first... mostly cuz he is of the very focused and responsible type and panics when he realises I'm not up and about and getting ready to do whatever (is panic too strong a word? ...I don't think so). So, although I've not missed ANY classes at all in this MBA program the first thing I do is reassure my dad that it's ok... I can skip class... people do it all the time... 100% attendance is not required. That was my first Saturday... I wasn't feeling well... I was home alone though I can't remember where everybody was at this point and I found myself crying over the kitchen sink... something is either very wrong or very right when you find yourself crying over soapy dishes. All I can say is it wasn't all very right... though I can't identify what exactly is the matter... problem ... issue? By the time everyone got home I was mostly better... walls up and of course I'm fine. I'm not good at sharing emotions... or rather sharing MY emotions... I can help people with their emotional issues... sympathize and empathize... when it comes to my own drama I'm not great at letting people in... is it that I'm so focused on being strong and being there (and of course you can lean on me and yes I can take care of it) that has made the walls? Self-analysis is hard to do and it often gets swept away in the daily drama that is life on the material plane... That Sunday was my girl Andrea's official bridal shower (the one with her mom and relatives and no stripper)... It was fun-filled with much laughter and tears and oh my god she's getting married! Games and gifts and wishes for marital bliss (I think there will be much of that).

Cookies for d bride & bridesmaids

The second Saturday was the wedding... yes, this means that I skipped class again (yes, my dad was not happy upon learning that  - though he did try to pretend it didn't bother him). I was a bridesmaid! Lol... My first wedding I was involved with since being a flower girl when I was young (5? 6?)... It was beautiful... The bride was radiant (I'm not just saying that cuz she is my friend... Overwhelming happiness tends to shine through)... The groom was radiant in a masculine way (am not sure what you say about grooms but he was happy too)... the ceremony and the reception went well... we didn't cry (much? I admit to having teary eyes.. am not sure about the others)... the dancing and party (reception... lol) was amazing. I guess it shall now be the wedding we measure all weddings against. And we played tassa... lol... I believe I mentioned in a previous post that we were learning to play as a sorta-surprise-gift... we learnt... we played... we were well-received (we even got people telling us they'd hire us!) lol .. it was a good day/night... the Sunday was mostly spent recuperating...

Me: tassa-playing bridesmaid.

The third Saturday - I dragged myself out of bed (I really wanted to skip class!)... It's been pretty rainy in the Caribbean and the day before (Friday 30th July), for the first time in my entire life, we get real flood. All mih neighbours' houses get flooded. Luckily, we didn't... we're prepared in a way... As I understand water flowed over our fence and into the yard ... the whole street was underwater... it doesn't help to live in a valley in a hilly area... I've got no pics - I missed the great flood of 2010 (hopefully there shall be no more) because I was at work. By the time I got home the waters had receded and there was just mud everywhere. It's just been a really rainy weekend and a lot of Trinidad (haven't heard much on Tobago so I assume they didn't get badly flooded) got hit with floods... On the one hand I feel sorry... it is a disaster and there's loss of property and livelihood and food prices are gonna go up cuz crops got washed away... on the other hand I feel it is somewhat deserved... is that a harsh thing to say? Am not sure how many Trinis care about their impact on the environment and whilst we can't control the weather we should be able to control things like quarrying and deforestation and proper rubbish disposal. It bothers me and makes me grumpy..sad..annoyed. 

It was a long weekend as well... we got Monday off due to Emancipation ... any day off from work is a good day. Does it sound like I don't like my job? It's got good days and bad... I'm going out on the field more... interacting with persons more which brings its own set of positives and negatives... I feel stifled though and I don't think it's the job alone but coming back around to the crying over the kitchen sink episode... It's like I'm supposed to be doing something but I don't know what or how or where I should be... and today on Facebook a sister posts up a note... message from Tama:

"An unused gift is a keg of dynamite. It's dangerous. It leaks out and begins to poison you. It haunts your cells with a hoarse song, "use me or die, use me or die." Your gifts are powerful energy sources. It takes so much energy to hold back life. It hurts to choose smallness. It hurts to let yourself down in secret ways, muffling the cries that no one else hears. It hurts to resist the evolutionary instinct within you to grow, express, go beyond survival and thrive, and stake your one true place upon this planet."

 It resonates. I'm having some health issues and some soul issues and at the bottom of it I feel it's all connected. Am just not sure what it is that I need to be doing. What am I to share? Who am I to reach? I bleed and don't know why and try to ignore and pretend to myself and to others that I'm fine. I feel fragile and fragmented and really on some level wish that I could let go. With all that I've learnt shouldn't I be able to let go and trust that I shall be taken care of? Questions and thoughts and half-formed phrases and sentences floating around my head. Is it that I have to shatter.. fall to pieces before being whole? Strong urge to pack up and leave... live day to day as an adventure. Responsibilities... I wonder what it means to people... work + school + expectations? Crawling under my skin and I feel both very young and very old at the same time. 


Dark night of the soul and then hump day... 


Perhaps it will all get better from here? Perhaps I need words of advice? Perhaps I just need to stay home and get some sleep tomorrow. 


peace,
Ren