Monday, June 6, 2011

Complete me.

"In oneself lies the whole world and if you know how to look and learn, the door is there and the key is in your hand. Nobody on earth can give you either the key or the door to open, except yourself." ~Krishnamurti

Last week I toyed with the idea of writing a post titled 'Dark side of the Moon'... because it was new moon, because I've been feeling.. antsy.. for lack of a better word - not quite comfortable in my own skin. I was thinking about the shadow side... and the different aspects of me. I didn't write the post then and I think it's because it needed a week of thought before it could fully come into being (and make some sort of sense).

There are many different aspects of personality that make up the complete me. As, I assume, there are many different aspects of your personality. I am simultaneously and in turns, a daughter, sister, niece, cousin, friend, coworker, classmate and any number of other beings. In the 'about me' section of this blog (which needs updating but .. meh) I state that: "I tend to compartmentalize my life... though am trying [as of this year] to integrate all areas." I think that perhaps all persons do this to some extent... I know I do it a lot... what my parents know of me is different from what my closest girlfriends know of me which is different from what my coworkers know of me. As I get older I've been trying to... integrate.. these different sides of me but I admit it can be a challenge. I came across this article though.. and it, along with my thoughts from last week, have inspired this post.

I don't talk about sex and anything related to sex with my parents (re: mom)... Am not quite sure how our relationship evolved this way but I've never at any point felt comfortable doing so. My dad jokes about random stuff sometimes but to say that either one of them know my thoughts, feelings and (oh dear goddess I'm putting this in a blog post! :s) desires on this subject would be very far off. That being said, I consider myself to be fairly open about sex (at least with people that are not my family). Perhaps it is that I am curious... perhaps it is that I believe one should enjoy themselves fully in the satisfaction of oneself. I haven't been having sex though... who would I have it with? I'm not the type of person to pick up some random person and I'm not with anyone at the moment. I satisfy whatever needs I have by myself and somewhat voyeuristically through the life of others... e.g. Kit (not her real name... she's got her own secret blog - am mildly jealous/intrigued) at BloggingDangerously or Jenny Lawson - The Bloggess or the folks at Toy With Me who have such wonderful articles like this one.
I'm fairly spiritual... which is partly responsible for me not being with anyone. I'd like to be able to talk to my significant other about enlightenment... or the possibility thereof, or of divination and astrology, of the world and our place in it.

I can be callous (so I've been told) ... I prefer to think of it as practical. Perhaps it's that I can be hard? BS is not acceptable at all times is all. One must come good or not at all. Mediocrity not accepted.

I am me... you may not know all my parts but that's ok... I think that for me to be completely happy with myself I need to accept/acknowledge all parts of me... the 'good' and the 'not-so-good' and the 'just plain weird' bits of myself.

I'm a work in progress.



Anonymous said...

I shaved my head!
Well, my cousin shaved my head for me, since the neupogen made hers fall out.

I'm going down town tomorrow with my new do!

Red said...

Very nice Ren. I think this resonates with many of us. I think its a journey integrating all sides of our personality and sometimes its just best that some ppl see only certain sides of it. Anyways... well written. Love ya.