Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Working it out...

"Life is a conspiracy to shower you with a non-stop feast of interesting experiences, all of which are designed to help you grow your intelligence, shed your pretensions, and master the art of ingenious love."
Rob Brezsny

I'm in a bit of a funk. First step to getting back to 'normal' is admittance right? It's hard to reign in the more ..caustic.. side of my personality when I'm in this mood.. hard to play nice, hard to be 'nice'. I don't particularly like this side of me but... well - I can be bitchy - every one has moments. 

Time to breathe it out, write it out, work it out.

Trinidad and Tobago is in a State of Emergency... It does not impress me much (flash to Shania and *facepalm* she does not belong in this post). I'm also unimpressed by the reactions of the population at large:
  • the country has issues - the Government does nothing - *bitch bitch bitch*
  • the country has issues - the Government does something - *bitch bitch bitch*
Honestly? If I ruled/were in power there would not be a democracy ... this is perhaps partly why I won't go into politics. If you'd like to know more about the State of Emergency here are some links to what people are saying: 
I'm glad something is being done... I'm not quite sure that what's being done is appropriate. 

I feel that this should matter a lot more than it seems to at the moment. I've got my own bits of drama though... not quite up to letting that go or adding to it by freaking out at what's happening in the country. 

My mom's got cancer - yet again.. it's still called breast cancer even though it's now shady spots of something in her lungs.. even though it has been shady spots of something on her spine. I've lost track of how many times it has recurred... more than 5 times... over the past 15 years. A friend of hers calls her the 'Miracle Lady' - because of how many times she's had to face chemo/radiation/whatever-other-side-effects and yet she still tries to have as normal a life as could be. 

I am tired of it. I'm sure she is as well. I sound like a whiny brat inside my head. I am sure she's tired of it - I can do whatever I want to do physically and she can't. I know she misses her independence just as I know she hates the mood-swings as much as I do.   Last Friday she had a mini-meltdown - mini.. My family does not do major meltdowns... I think perhaps that this blog post counts as my own version of a meltdown. Her mini-meltdown? She does not want to hold us (my brother and I) back... Oy. Is it guilt on her part? Am not quite sure why she'd think we'd prefer to not have her around. Am wondering if it's because we prefer having her around that she's been willing herself to live through whatever trauma this cancer is. Should anyone here be guilty? Oy. 

Read this post by the bloggess... it sort of triggered this post that I've now written. Cuz I'm still asking myself why she'd think she was 'holding us back' and this line from that post resonated with me: “It might be easier, but it wouldn’t be better.” Cuz of course life would be easier - of course there are things that I'd like to do that if it were myself alone I'd probably leave and go off and do... but would life be better? Without my mom? No. Who would I talk to? Or share ideas with? Or be encouraged by? Or get annoyed with? Or be comforted by?

I am tired. And weepy. And it is now 1.05 am which means that I shall be somewhat zombiefied in work later.

*sigh*

Dear Cancer 
(and by now you should know that it's you, the Disease.. and not you, the Astrological Sign, that I'm talking to)
I am tired of you. Fed Up. Exhausted and Annoyed at your effects on people that I love. 
Go Away Now.
Seriously.
Please?


night,
Ren

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Becoming a driver has made me into a panicky passenger...

"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive." ~Author Unknown

*This post can also be titled, "Oh dear Goddess... am I becoming my MOTHER???!"*

The drive from home to work today was a harrowing experience... and I wasn't even the driver. In fact, the driver (my brother) probably considered it to be a regular driving experience. For me the drive was filled with thoughts of, 'why is he driving so fast?!' and 'why is he going so close to that car?!' and 'why didn't that crazy driver INDICATE before swerving in front of us/those other cars?!'.. there was a lot of holding on to the car seat/door handle... until I realised that I was freaking out. Then, the thought that filled my brain was simply, 'Oh dear Goddess, am I becoming mom?'.

My mom is an amazing woman but she's a very poor passenger. Very distracting. She will freak out at the slightest move of a crazy [Trini] driver. Trini drivers aren't known for being the most reasonable on the road. NYC taxi drivers have nothing on Trini drivers (trust me on this - I've been driven by both). My brother and I have often had to tell her to calm down... to stop 'mashing brakes' while she's in the passenger seat... to 'just breathe mom.. breathe'. I do not want to be such a passenger.

I've never been that way...until now, now that I have my own car and am a driver. For most of my life I've been a passenger - I didn't seriously start driving till 2009. I've been perfectly calm through car rides with crazy Trini taxi drivers, cousins learning how to drive, friends that race cars as sport and therfore like to race cars generally... I've never flinched.

Now though? Different story completely... Is it that I now know what it's like to be a driver? The need for constant awareness of what's happening around you, the fact that you're in a mechanical device that may or may not be having a good day, the fact that there are all sorts of things that can affect one and therefore one's driving...

Oy.

I must remember to breathe.

Be safe on the roads...
 
peace,
Ren


Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Stirring up some magic...

"Magic is believing in yourself, if you can do that, you can make anything happen" ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Sometimes I think I could. Past life experiences? Fanciful thoughts? Either way it makes me smile.

I remember this movie:


and then this.. which I've seen recently: 



something to think about...

peace,
Ren

Saturday, August 13, 2011

In celebration of my brother...

"To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other's hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time." ~ Clara Ortega

There's a full moon in the sky tonight - go check it out if you can. On the full moon in this month Raksha Bandhan is celebrated. It is a day which celebrates the bond between brothers and sisters - and literally stands for 'a bond of protection' - the sister prays that her brother would be protected from evil and the brother promises that he would protect his sister from any harm or trouble.

I tied the rakhi for my brother today. It's a physical representation of a bond that's already very strong. He's younger than me though sometimes acts as though he's older than me. I didn't particularly like him in the very early years. That changed when I ran away from home (yes, I've run away from home - I didn't go very far)... when I returned home what hurt the most was the tears from my brother not the vexation/punishment from my parents. I'd never thought that he'd miss me or be worried just as I'd never thought that hearing him cry for me would be so heart-wrenching. It was... and so from that day on I've tried my best to take care of him. The boy, no matter how big of a man he grows to be, is my baby brother forever and always and I love him.

I used to pick him up from primary school and we'd walk home together.

We had our own secret game - which drove our mom crazy cuz she just didn't get it.

He was 8 when mom was diagnosed with cancer and so when she couldn't manage to take care of him/us I did.

He is exceptionally brilliant at anything that he puts his mind to.

He is my partner in dealing with the parents now... we've got a sort of good cop/bad cop vibe.

When I am peckish he makes me goodies - he's a far better baker than I am.  

Two years ago this weekend, he was in New Jersey and I was in Massachusetts - we took the weekend off and spent it in New York. We stayed at a hostel in Chelsea, stumbled across the Rubin Museum which had an awesome exhibit on mandalas, saw Phantom of the Opera, had dessert at Bryant Park, interesting conversation with a bartender at Von, the best French Toast at a diner, got taken for a ride in one of those bike-carts, and had an overall very fun time together. Precious - because I can't think of a time when it will be just the two of us with nothing to do but have fun.   

Giving thanks for my brother tonight... saying a prayer for his continued well-being... sending love his way always.

Peace,
Ren

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Contemplations and list-making.

"Goals help focus you on areas in both your personal and professional life that are important and meaningful, rather than being guided by what other people want you to be, do, or accomplish." ~Catherine Pulsifer



I freely admit to watching Friends reruns often. That is/was a fabulous show and is, I believe, the basis for a lot of other shows, which have  their own storylines and quirks but are essentially about friends coming together, such as my other faves: The Big Bang Theory and How I Met Your Mother... Yesterday's rerun was the episode 'The One Where They All Turn Thirty' in which Rachel celebrates her 30th birthday and there are flashbacks to the other Friends' birthdays... both Phoebe and Rachel have lists/plans to which they refer in this episode.. of things they'd like to achieve by a certain birthday. It reminded me that I'm supposed to be list-making - I have been - just in my head... thought I'd write it out here so you all could support me, in some way or the other, in getting through it.

In no particular order (though at some point I'd like to have an order).. things I'd like to do in my life:
  • Get certified... I've got the MBA - I confess that I still don't quite know what to do with it and that the only reason I did it was because of parental pressure (in fact my dad is now claiming it as his MBA because of all the "WHY am I doing this?! I don't need this stress! I'm only doing it cuz YOU wanted me to do it" drama)... the certifications I really want?
    • YTT  - yes, I'd like to do Yoga Teacher Training.. and I know where I want to do it... I'd like to do this 200-hour YTT and follow it with training on teaching yoga to children and seniors... then I'd like to come back home and teach.
    • Certified Integral Qigong and Tai Chi™ Teacher - Way back when I was 16/17 I started doing Tai Chi and Qigong... it's amazing. I'm out of practice now but .. in 2009 I had a weekend workshop with Dr. Roger Jahnke and was re-inspired... I've wanted to do this training since then... then I'd like to come back home and teach the elderly.   
  • Become a spy - not a killing-people-spy.. but a sexy-badass-spy - through the Stiletto Spy School - one of my best girl people had her birthday yesterday - we were trying to find something fun/exciting/daring to do as a girl group (epic fail that was..) ... If we were all in either NYC or Las Vegas... I'd have suggested that we become spies... because it is something that I want to do and it looks like so much fun! .. In fact maybe that should be the 30th b'day event. I've already got a spy-name and everything - courtesy of a fellow Kripalu volunteer... though I'm not about to divulge it yet :)
  • Visit Findhorn... and maybe England and Ireland while I'm in that area... yes, there will be photo-taking. Actually... I'd like to travel here, there and everywhere.
  • Learn to properly/fluently speak a foreign language. I've done Spanish at CXC... I've done Spanish for business courses... I can't remember much of it. Immersion may be necessary... so... live in a place where a foreign language is spoken (it doesn't have to be Spanish).
  • Learn to sew... I can do embroidery... I can do chain-stitch and cross-stitch and various other pretty stitches... I have a fond memory of my (maternal)  grandma and I sewing together. I'd like to actually be able to make a garment though.. am somewhat inspired by our own Anya Ayoung-Chee and the fact that my (paternal) grandma was a bit of a seamstress... I should be able to sew.
  • Clean my room... aka de-clutter... I'm sure my family would be happy to read this... and happier when it actually happens.. this should probably be at the top of my list.. meh.   
  • Go on a cruise. I don't care where... wait - I do care. Go on a cruise somewhere warm. Alaska you are out.
  • Change the world.. for the better.. I'm not sure how yet though I'm sure whatever I'm doing now is also helping.

That's all I can think of at the moment. Gonna work my way through this and think of other things along the way...  

peace,
Ren

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Thoughts after a busy weekend..

"If you nurture your mind, body, and spirit, your time will expand. You will gain a new perspective that will allow you to accomplish more." ~Brian Koslow

I'm one of those people that wishes, with all my heart and soul, that weekends (whether they're after Friday... or somewhere in the middle if you don't work Monday to Friday) would last for three days. I've always found myself extremely busy on weekends. In fact I haven't had one weekend since sometime in early May that I've not been busy. I would like a three-day weekend to have that extra day to recuperate. Please? I'm just saying it would be great. 

It could be said of course that I'm the one making myself busy... but I'm filling those two days with everything that can't be done during the rest of the week... like attend weddings (because most people have their weddings on the weekend), coordinate/attend limes, like house stuff (cooking/cleaning/shopping.. yes, shopping)... weekends are just generally very busy. 

Interesting points this weekend? 

Crazy, Stupid, Love - funny, sad, happy film .. with Steve Carell (who is fun), Ryan Gosling (and according to one of my girl people: Ryan Gosling's abs - they deserved their own credit), Emma Stone (who I'm developing a big like for and who was most excellent in Easy A), Julianne Moore and Kevin Bacon. Saw it with my girl people... thought it was most excellent in a makes-you-think kinda way.

Bridal Registry Shopping - I've never done it for a local (re: Trinidad and Tobago) wedding ... I usually buy personal-type gifts but this one was on behalf of the family and etcetera so bridal registry shopping at Excellent Stores (I'm sorry if you click on the link and get startled by the music... it happened to me - it could happen to you). It's nothing like bridal registry shopping in foreign (re: not Trinidad and Tobago) where one can go on-line, see the gift list, select gift, include card and pay. Nope. One has to go to the store, obtain a list from a CSR, hope that the item which you select from the list is available (I went through six items - being told each time that they were out of stock [what was actually said was 'no, we doh have dat' or 'it finish']), finally select an item, find it wherever it is in the store and bring it back to the Bridal Gift Registry counter where you can then fill out a card, and get told to go pay for it by the cashier. Fun times. 

Went to a cooking night with my dad. I'm not usually one to go to weddings and related wedding events unless I have to.. found myself there because my dad did not want to go by himself (he was the main person invited - it was his work colleague's son that was getting married). Apparently (according to my dad) when you have children they're supposed to do whatever you want them to because if you bring them into the world then you can take them out of it (I must remember this if I ever have children). Tassa music was good, food was good, dancing was entertaining. I realised that digital cameras are Very Popular... every Tom, Dick and Harrylal has one. I have one. I'm picky about what I take photos of though... am not going to take photos of what-was-once-sacred-but-now-I'm-not-quite-so-sure wedding rituals. Not everyone has that issue.

Had breakfast today at Woodford Cafe (Price Plaza) - it was excellent - I recommend. I now have an MBA.. perhaps I should have done a post on that all by itself? I'm still processing.. official results came out earlier this week and my facebook status a few days ago read: "Has an MBA... now what?" ... because really.. now what? one phase ends and another to begin. Overwhelming feeling of relief that it's over. Had breakfast with my group of MBA people... because one's flying off to Dubai tomorrow and another is 8 months pregnant and who knows when we'll get to meet up (graduation?) and say 'Yay! We did it!'... today was that day and over breakfast and 3.5 hours we discussed our classes and whew, that's over!, what we want to do now - PMP certification? I'm thinking YTT certification, the state of the country and where it's going, the state of our lives... and where we're going. I'm processing, they are as well.. and it helps to meet up as a group to do it. 

Went to a wedding this evening with my mom. Was tired and it was LOUD. I've never understood why people seem to think that very loud = good... If I can't hear myself speak then a place is too loud. That's not good for your health - I'm sure. My mom initially wanted to go, then did not want to go, then I convinced her to go (cuz it's family [pumpkin-vine but still family] and also friends), then she said okay but we'd stay only a little while. We ended up staying about 5 hours... FIVE(-ish)... coming down to the end I left and went by my cousin (who lives 4 houses away from the wedding house - could still hear the music CLEARLY) to ole-talk/sleep/wait on my mother. Oy. The bride was beautiful, the place was lovely, the food was good. My cousin asked if I'm seeing anyone (no? I haven't found anyone to 'see'..), what I plan to do now (um... ) and other such questions. It's a day to think about life and marriage and career and just what I want to do apparently. 

I have vague inklings of a clue. I think I shall start making lists tomorrow. 

Hope you all had a lovely weekend.

peace,
Ren