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Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Working it out...

"Life is a conspiracy to shower you with a non-stop feast of interesting experiences, all of which are designed to help you grow your intelligence, shed your pretensions, and master the art of ingenious love."
Rob Brezsny

I'm in a bit of a funk. First step to getting back to 'normal' is admittance right? It's hard to reign in the more ..caustic.. side of my personality when I'm in this mood.. hard to play nice, hard to be 'nice'. I don't particularly like this side of me but... well - I can be bitchy - every one has moments. 

Time to breathe it out, write it out, work it out.

Trinidad and Tobago is in a State of Emergency... It does not impress me much (flash to Shania and *facepalm* she does not belong in this post). I'm also unimpressed by the reactions of the population at large:
  • the country has issues - the Government does nothing - *bitch bitch bitch*
  • the country has issues - the Government does something - *bitch bitch bitch*
Honestly? If I ruled/were in power there would not be a democracy ... this is perhaps partly why I won't go into politics. If you'd like to know more about the State of Emergency here are some links to what people are saying: 
I'm glad something is being done... I'm not quite sure that what's being done is appropriate. 

I feel that this should matter a lot more than it seems to at the moment. I've got my own bits of drama though... not quite up to letting that go or adding to it by freaking out at what's happening in the country. 

My mom's got cancer - yet again.. it's still called breast cancer even though it's now shady spots of something in her lungs.. even though it has been shady spots of something on her spine. I've lost track of how many times it has recurred... more than 5 times... over the past 15 years. A friend of hers calls her the 'Miracle Lady' - because of how many times she's had to face chemo/radiation/whatever-other-side-effects and yet she still tries to have as normal a life as could be. 

I am tired of it. I'm sure she is as well. I sound like a whiny brat inside my head. I am sure she's tired of it - I can do whatever I want to do physically and she can't. I know she misses her independence just as I know she hates the mood-swings as much as I do.   Last Friday she had a mini-meltdown - mini.. My family does not do major meltdowns... I think perhaps that this blog post counts as my own version of a meltdown. Her mini-meltdown? She does not want to hold us (my brother and I) back... Oy. Is it guilt on her part? Am not quite sure why she'd think we'd prefer to not have her around. Am wondering if it's because we prefer having her around that she's been willing herself to live through whatever trauma this cancer is. Should anyone here be guilty? Oy. 

Read this post by the bloggess... it sort of triggered this post that I've now written. Cuz I'm still asking myself why she'd think she was 'holding us back' and this line from that post resonated with me: “It might be easier, but it wouldn’t be better.” Cuz of course life would be easier - of course there are things that I'd like to do that if it were myself alone I'd probably leave and go off and do... but would life be better? Without my mom? No. Who would I talk to? Or share ideas with? Or be encouraged by? Or get annoyed with? Or be comforted by?

I am tired. And weepy. And it is now 1.05 am which means that I shall be somewhat zombiefied in work later.

*sigh*

Dear Cancer 
(and by now you should know that it's you, the Disease.. and not you, the Astrological Sign, that I'm talking to)
I am tired of you. Fed Up. Exhausted and Annoyed at your effects on people that I love. 
Go Away Now.
Seriously.
Please?


night,
Ren

3 comments:

kesterj said...

i have always seen you as the "strong" type, so you are more than allowed some down time. I know you are awesome chick and i know you pull will pull not of this.
Love you much

guaicotamana said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkY_BksDUxo

Ren said...

Thanks ppl..

<3