Sunday, September 18, 2011

Dark thoughts

"This life in us; however low it flickers or fiercely burns, is still a divine flame which no man dare presume to put out, be his motives never so humane and enlightened; To suppose otherwise is to countenance a death-wish; Either life is always and in all circumstances sacred, or intrinsically of no account; it is inconceivable that it should be in some cases the one, and in some the other." ~Malcolm Muggeridge

Euthanasia. This is a word I learned in a story I read in my pre-teens. I was interested in the concept then. I'm still interested in it now. I've found myself thinking about it tonight. I would like to say that I'd never take my own life (in fact I think I may have said this to people)... but deep down, where all the hidden thoughts are, I know this to be a lie. I'd like to say that I'd never ask someone to take it for me. I would not kill myself for anything to do with relationships or financial circumstances or the general everyday ups and downs that is life. I would if at some point I got so ill that the treatment and the waiting did not make it better.  I don't think I'm good with suffering. I think that if I can choose how I want to live then I should have that choice in how I want to die.

These thoughts do make me a bit afraid - if I can have them then my mom can as well, though she is a much more innocent person than I am so maybe not.. I don't know for sure. Cancer again for the umpteenth time. On Thursday she has to visit with her doctor and decide upon a course of action. I know it's not easy for her, I know that she's suffering. If I were to place myself in her position I'm not sure what I'd say/do. 

As it is now, what I do is what I've always tried to do - support whatever she wants to do... if she wants to do chemo then that's ok... if she doesn't then that's equally ok. Persons have asked me why I'd support her if she chooses not to do chemo, persons have tried to convince me that I should convince her that she should do chemo. It's her body though and her choice to make.. chemo is not as easy to take as some people seem to believe.

If there comes a time when it gets to be too much for her... if she wanted to choose her manner of dying... I'm not sure I should continue with this line of thinking.

Send us some positive thoughts. I'm not sure why at this hour I'm having thoughts such as this but my mind keeps circling back to this point. 

Am off to get some rest - try to focus on the positive... try to increase the happiness levels... 

Did you know that tomorrow is the 'International Talk Like a Pirate Day'? I must admit that just typing that makes me smile... 

Am off to read about pirates.. and get some rest.. and stop thinking about death and dying and instead on life and living. 

peace,
Ren


1 comment:

guaicotamana said...

I did a post
But here is a link to the show I am watching

http://www.5min.com/Video/Selfish-Friend-On-The-Big-C-91211---TV-Replay-517159633


http://www.5min.com/Video/Lees-Goodbye-on-The-Big-C-91911---TV-Replay-517163742

I think I can embrace buddhist philosophy if it allows you to do this.

Going to make a mediation bench tomorrow. And Yoga on Thurs.