Friday, June 29, 2012

In one word: moody

"There is nothing of which we are more ashamed than of not being ourselves. And there is nothing which brings us greater joy and happiness than to think, feel, and say what is ours." ~Erich Fromm

This isn't exactly a negative I think. I'm just having a variety of experiences and my moods are a reflection of them. 

The mother is home. Since I last wrote (a mere week ago) she's had five sessions of radiation. She stayed at the St. James Medical Complex simply because she was in a lot of pain -  was just easier as there was less moving around for her and people to take care of her that knew what they were doing. 

My family is managing but I don't always think we know what we're doing. Sometimes, you just have to wing it. 

I've been sad and tired and trying to be hopeful and such. I got mad because of the extended family - the aunts and uncles who are the siblings of my mother. I know they're concerned... I'm just annoyed that now is when they choose to show it. One does not need extra drama when one already has to deal with stuff at home. I'm also somewhat mad that they appear to be fairly clueless... mom has had cancer since I was 13 - I'm almost 30 (and maybe I can do my own mini-movie of 13 going on 30?)... this is not the worst it has been - why freak out about it now and wonder if we need help now? *grump* There's also a part of me that thinks I'm overreacting about that but... oh well.

I've been grateful... for the brother and the girl ppl and the cute guy. I only realise my age when I look at my brother and see how grown up/mature he is. An adult... my baby brother is an adult... and sometimes (sometimes - not all the time) and in some ways better at being an adult than I am. Whoa.

The girl ppl are awesome... I've been mostly in touch with them via text and email recently (I'm not much for phone-talking). Our emails are full of ole-talk and discussion and snippets of advice and somewhat bawdy jokes. They keep me sane... I think it's somewhat important for persons to have a support system of ppl that know just about all that's important to know (and some that's not important) about each other. 

The cute guy... oy. Cute - in personality and in looks. He's very fun to be around. He's very interesting. He seems to find me interesting. He has me thinking of all sorts of things that I've never really thought of or thought I'd want to think about. Oy.

Moody - that's what I am... in a sad/happy/grumpy/excited/mellow way...

I'm happy that it's Friday.

Happy Weekend to you.

peace,
Ren

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Solstice...

"Life is like an ever-shifting kaleidoscope, - a slight change, and all patterns alter." ~ Sharon Salzberg

Solstice today and I'm so very tired. Change is in the air. Cycles starting over... coming around again.

I'm grumpy and achy and have I mentioned tired? 

The mother is not doing that well... Sudden decline and we're now helping out much more than I ever thought we'd have to and I'm reading sites such as caring.com and agingcare.com. I'm thinking if I ever have my own space I'll outfit it such that when I'm older there won't be any drama if I need wheelchairs/lifts/easy access showers/whatever. I've realised that although the mother has gotten fairly scrawny (she's lost a *lot* of weight) she's still heavy for me...  my back aches like wow. I need to do some strength training. Lifting with the knees and whatever is not helping me in this case. 

The father is concerned and probably feeling his own mortality. He also seems to not realise that I'm doing as much in a day as he is... and with less sleep. I have been snappish with him tonight... some guilt cuz yes is my dad but... I'm tired. That should be capitalised. TIRED. I can't bring myself to feel overly bad about being snappish cuz in my opinion I was provoked. Meh. 

The brother is a rock... without him around I'd be much more snappish and also much more tired. We deal as well as we could. 

The workplace is ... Well, it just is. I'm gearing up for another round of quarrels because really? Enough. I'm tired... and dealing with somewhat incompetent people is not helping my energy level at all. 

The cute guy is... so much cuter. Oy. Bright spot. He makes me smile. Cute. Seriously cute. Oy. Too cute to be in such a grumpy post. 

I know I should talk to the girl ppl... or just talk to people. But. Meh. 

I want chocolate and hugs (especially from the cute guy but really all hugs are welcome) and a vacation... I'm gonna settle for a good cry and a hot water bottle and hopefully some hours of sleep. 

peace,
Ren

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Stuck?

"You have to do what you love to do, not get stuck in that comfort zone of a regular job. Life is not a dress rehearsal. This is it." ~Lucinda Basset

I am stuck... and there, I have said it. Career-wise I have no clue. I don't know what I want to do. I don't know why I want to do it. Perhaps I need a counsellor? A career coach? Ergh.

I need to be doing something that will allow me to have the same (or higher) salary as I do now (I've got bills to pay... *sigh*). Something that is helpful but fun. Something that lets me not sit by a desk all day.

I don't really know what that something is.

Dammit.

Apart from that though... I'm doing alright. Went to the second Trinidad and Tobago World Peace Festival last Saturday. No photos this time around cuz I felt somewhat claustrophobic... too many people... I'm glad that people are interested and were taking part but... I do not like crowds. Went on a Treasure Queen Cruise with the cute guy... I believe it was done to raise funds for Paddle for the Planet. There is so much going on in T&T that it annoys me somewhat when people say there's nothing to do.

The mother is looking somewhat frail these days - there isn't much I can do that I'm not doing. I don't actually know what else I should be doing. I feel slightly guilty about that. The father is talking retirement and a house in Mayaro and us (my brother and I) taking on more responsibilities... I'm already paying most of the bills and buying most of the groceries and other miscellaneous whatevers... Ergh... and hello? Exactly how am I supposed to have a life of my own when I'm taking care of things that I'm not quite sure I'm supposed to be taking care of? I'm kinda waiting to see what happens with the brother and his search for... a career... or something that will provide funds.

I feel somewhat grumpy... and moody... and claustrophobic is the best word that comes to mind... as though the walls are closing in and there's no way out of the space I find myself in.

*sigh*

Going out with the cute guy later though... and some of the girl ppl... and some of the photowalkers... sushi date - which is a funny thing when I don't eat seafood.

Must psych self into better mood.

Happy Tuesday all.

peace,
Ren





Friday, June 8, 2012

I don't know what I want to write...

but it includes these things...

Gonna be offline this weekend.

Be blessed all...

peace,
Ren

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Rotation Curation

"Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind." ~Rudyard Kipling 

Had a bit of a ... fangirl (best term I can come up with) moment yesterday because Yvonne of Salisbury tweeted me. Yvonne is the current curator of the People of UK twitter account and she tweeted in response to my good morning world tweet. I don't even know/remember when the People of UK account started following me but... it's fairly exciting to be tweeted from half way across the world by someone I don't-really-know-but-kinda-know because she's been sharing bits of her life via tweets for the past week. 

The People of the UK account is part of the Rotation Curation Movement currently happening on Twitter. This movement is where there's one account but the person tweeting behind it is rotated (usually after a week). It is all much better explained and there's a list of all the the countries/cities/groups that are currently involved on the Rotation Curation website. 

I was one of the early followers - first following @Sweden (founder of the movement... more info on their site: Curators of Sweden) then @WeAreAustralia (site: We Are Australia) and then as many others as have come along. 

It is interesting... insightful as it allows one to experience the different countries/places from the viewpoints of ordinary citizens. It's brilliant for those of us that would want to visit and need to find out more of the various places. It's educational in that each curator has their own experiences of where they are and what they do to tweet about. 

I can only see more persons and places getting involved ... and wouldn't it be something if Trinidad and Tobago or even the Caribbean came together and did something like this? Something to think about for the moment. 

Happy Sunday all.

peace,
Ren

Edited to include:
New York Times article on the Many Voices of Sweden, via Twitter