Almost a new year...

"Sit, be still and listen, because you're drunk and we're at the edge of the roof." ~Rumi

Today is the last day of 2013 and I couldn't let it go without returning here. I have sat down to write many times over the last two weeks but could not quite figure out what I wanted to say. Those posts will have to be written in the new year - reflections of past moments. Today I reflect on this year and years that have gone before. I am quietly contemplative; I suspect that all of us feel this way to some extent. 

This has been a year of change. As I look back, I can somewhat neatly block it off into thirds. During the first three months my mom was on a decline - my time was split between taking care of her and work and life as it is. I think we all knew that it would be her time soon and then she passed away on April 3rd. I blogged every day of that month and I feel that it helped clear my mind and ease my heart. At the end of April I had my 30th birthday. This is still a wonder to me... how have I gotten to be 30 years old? Where has the time gone? 

The second third of the year (May - August) was a time of processing. Raw feelings and figuring out the pieces of my life. At the beginning of August I made a decision - perhaps it was a decision that should have been made many months or years ago but everything has its time and I'm glad that the time came for it. The last third of the year was spent putting plans into motion and setting off on adventures. I quit my job, went travelling with the cute guy and got certified as a Nosara Yoga teacher. 

This last month has been a time of contemplation, questioning, inquiry. Where do I want to go? What do I want to do? Who am I? The cute guy and I are making business plans - I wonder how these would affect our current relationship. For the first time in... ever, I have been thinking about long term career/business goals. I'm planning and thinking that a new moon at the beginning of a New Year is an awesome thing. 

We're coming down to the last half hour of 2013 (here in Trinidad and Tobago). I'm off to meditate... There's been a lot of me-time this year and it's something that I hope to carry into the new year.

Some links that I've loved lately:

• The Best of Brain Pickings 2013 by Maria Popova
• A Revolution in Resolutions: Six steps to calling your deepest desires into life by Marylee Fairbanks
• 2014 New Years' blessings from religious leaders 

And this, because I find it appropriate: 

Wishing you all that you dream of and more...

peace,

Ren

I like going to different places.

"Take me to the places on the earth that teach you how to dance, the places where you can risk letting the world break your heart, and I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet and the stars overhead make my heart whole again and again." ~Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Today I saw an article on CNN.com: 11 places to go in 2014. Number 7 on that list is Costa Rica; specifically Playas de Nosara on the Nicoya Peninsula because of the area's 'officially approved beaches'. I just got back home from there and can tell you that yes, the area is beautiful - just be sure to carry your bug repellent (and umbrella if you're visiting during the rainy season). 

I love travelling whether it is going to new places or revisiting places I've been. I love city spaces and country spaces. I love beaches and mountains (though am afraid of heights... but they're so pretty). I love travelling. Finding myself in a new space and becoming acquainted with the pulse of it; the people and their movements. 

I spent two weeks in Florida with the cute guy. It was a bit of an adventure. I'd never travelled with anyone other than family before and am really happy that we got along so well. I guess it helps that we like each other? Mark Twain once said, 'I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them'. Perhaps the stress of travelling brings out stuff in people? We had fun. He's been to Florida before and so was showing me around. For me it was a  complete tourist experience because... I like being a tourist. Went to Epcot for their Food and Wine Festival - Epcot is amazing. Went to Magic Kingdom - we both love Disney. We stayed by some of his friends and went to Butterfly World and shopping malls. We had fun the entire time... right up until the end, the almost last day, when I got annoyed with him while shopping - but then, I don't think men and women are really made to shop together. 

After the two weeks in Florida he left to come home and I went on to Costa Rica for my Yoga Teacher Training at Nosara Yoga Institute. Have I mentioned that I love travelling? Costa Rica is beautiful. It felt very similar to home yet completely different. There was jungle and beaches and lots of biting insects. There was a lot of rain as it was almost-but-not-quite the end of the rainy season. I didn't do that much adventuring... mostly stayed in the area as I wanted to focus on the YTT and my reasons for being there. Perhaps I will go back sometime to explore the different areas. Perhaps I shall take the cute guy with me. Perhaps I will never go back but will always carry with me memories of rain in the jungle, sunsets on the beach, the sound of howler monkeys and the feel of dusty roadways. Perhaps I will just have a sense of community - one cannot share a space with a group of people for a month without having some shared sense of belonging. 

I have many memories to treasure. I have many photos to sort through.This is what I gather when travelling. What do you gather? Where do you want to go? Travelling need not be very far but can be as close as adventuring in your own neighbourhood or as far as the other side of... the world.

Go places. Adventure!

Playa Guiones, Nosara, Costa Rica - Photo taken almost at sunset...

peace,

Ren

Not enough time...

"Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They came through you but not from you and though they are with you yet they belong not to you." ~Khalil Gibran 

I missed posting yesterday because I was so caught up in activities that I couldn't sit long enough to write the thoughts in my head. I'm somewhat happy that it happened that way though as yesterday's thoughts tie in with those of today. Yesterday I attended the Blue Star Preschool's Christmas programme. My brother has become greatly involved with the preschool; he's been assisting with the classes, teaching the kids yoga and just generally helping out where he can. It's interesting seeing him interact with these kids as I don't recall him being so good at it and now he likes kids and they like him. For this Christmas programme he helped with the organisation and planning, with teaching the kids their parts in the Christmas skit and songs that would be performed. He sewed costumes. It is amazing.

The kids were also amazing. They are very adorable. Attentive and clever and lovable. Cute. In the same way that I am amazed at how well my brother has been interacting with these youngsters; I'm amazed at how much fun I find them to be. I guess some people like children and with others it just takes some time.

Last night I went to a company's Christmas function with the cute guy. It ended at a very late hour and I couldn't help but wonder about the families of those who stayed till the end. Did some of them have children? Were they single? Newly coupled? I've been thinking that parenting is something that becomes an integral part of one's life. If one becomes a parent then even when the children are old enough to take care of themselves the parent is still concerned about their well-being (or at least that is how I think it should be). That is how it has been with my parents and if I ever decide to become a parent this is how I will be. 

Today I went to a wedding with the cute guy and picked up a young friend. She gave me flowers which I put in my hair. She and her little sister kept coming around me and talked to me a few times. Anyone can be an example to a child I think... it's something we must be conscious of - that at any moment whether we know it or recognise it or not, someone's child may be looking at us and forming his/her own ideas of the world. 

Perhaps that will be enough for me? Setting examples of how to be in this space without having my own? I've mentioned before that when I was little I used to say that I would never want kids and that that statement made my mom most unhappy. That statement has gradually changed as I become easier with being around children. It is a possibility. It makes me think of time though as, of course, women have to be conscious of our internal clock. I don't know that there is enough time to figure out myself and to also start raising someone. I'm thirty now... it's not that late in the whole scheme of things but there is still the awareness of time passing. 

What do you think? There is the saying that 'it takes a village to raise a child'... perhaps it would be okay to have a child later on in life if there is the support to take care of it. I feel that I have that support with my brother and younger cousins and even those friends I have at the Blue Star. So. It's all a possibility.

I'm just noticing that recently I've been more aware of kids. How they interact with the world, how they relate to people. It's just something I'm paying attention to in this time where my friends are wondering whether they should have or not have kids. What're your thoughts?

peace,

Ren

Memory-making and photo-taking.

"All photographs are memento mori. To take a photograph is to participate in another person's (or thing's) mortality, vulnerability, mutability. Precisely by slicing out this moment and freezing it, all photographs testify to time's relentless melt." ~Susan Sontag

Today the cute guy came over to help me paint walls. It's Christmas time and painting is something that a lot of Trinis do to prepare for the season. My family doesn't do it that often - there are some families who paint their homes every year, the inside and outside or maybe a wall or two... we do it when we can, or when I decide I want to as I'm mostly the one that pushes to get painting done. 

I'm making new memories. There once was a green wall in my living room - an accent wall - which my mom and I did when my dad and brother were out of the country. Prior to this green wall the only room with any major colour was mine, a sheer lilac, because my dad likes clean white (or some shade of white) at least that's the reason that I know. That Christmas when we were both home alone we decided to make one wall an accent wall and so we went to the paint store and bought a deep forest green. I painted the wall. Then, I stamped white spirals on it. It was amazing (and made my brother and my dad speechless when they saw it - my dad's been trying to get me to paint it white ever since). 

I say 'once was' because I've painted over it. It's time for new memories. Every day is a day in which I think of my mom,  of things that we've done together and things that she's said and taught me. They are cherished thoughts and memories but I know that she wouldn't want me to always be in the past. Part of going to Costa Rica was to help figure out my future... what I want to be in it, what I'd like to do. Painting over a wall is also part of the process; part of moving on and making new memories. 

After painting we looked at photos - I have had a digital camera since (at least) 2008 - I have so many photos that I've taken from 2008 to present. These photos capture moments that I'd like to remember; people, events, places - the essence of where I've been, what I've been up to and who I've shared these experiences with. When he left I started downloading all the photos I took on our trip together and on my trip to Costa Rica (I now have over 2500+ photos to sort through [help?!]). I'll continue to take photos - perhaps my new accent wall will feature in some of them as my green wall once did. 

How do you capture your memories? Do you take photos? Journal or draw? Record an audio clip or a video clip? It's important, I think, to have some way to capture them so that we can then access them when we need more than our own thoughts and memories. 

peace,

Ren

Once more... writing.

"What things there are to write, if one could only write them! My mind is full of gleaming thoughts; gay moods and mysterious, moth-like meditations hover in my imagination, fanning their painted wings. But always the rarest, those streaked with azure and the deepest crimson, flutter away beyond my reach." ~Logan Pearsall Smith

It is almost a month since I've written in this space. It's almost two weeks since I graduated Yoga Teacher Training. There are a lot of thoughts in my head, a lot of things I want to write, a lot of possibilities swirling around. I have been making excuses... I was busy - asana practice and designing my own flow and teaching my first class, I was travelling, my dad was travelling, my house has not been cleaned in what seems like forever, my Cat child needs me! I have not been writing even though there are things that I do want to write to sort out stuff. I have not sent out emails that I've already halfway composed in my head. 

Why is that? I'm not sure. Then, I read this article: 'Move, Meditate, Write: The Yoga of Writing' and found it to be the push that I needed.  

A commitment then... every day for at least a week I shall write something here - I shall write about travelling with the cute guy and travelling by myself, of adventures in new places, of making new friends and discovering or rediscovering parts of myself. I shall write about the ordinary and the extraordinary. I will also send out at least one email (per day) that I've been meaning to send out. 

Hello World, I've missed you.

peace,

Ren 

Witnessing and being easy with self

"The moment you start watching the thinker, a higher level of consciousness becomes activated. You then begin to realize that there is a vast realm of intelligence beyond thought, that thought is only a tiny aspect of that intelligence. You also realise that all the things that truly matter - beauty, love, creativity, joy, inner peace - arise from beyond the mind. You begin to awaken." ~Eckhart Tolle 

Today is the last day of the second week of yoga teacher training. We've been talking and learning about focusing, witness consciousness, meditation and the various asanas - physical poses and how we can assist with them. Apart from the actual physical practice it is all stuff that I have heard before. I have been introduced to these ideas and thoughts from an early age and as long as I've been involved with the Blue Star, awareness of such has been a part of me.  

This week I have been sad and gloomy, thinking about my mom and just overall missing her... Then we had a conscious listening class in which I said what I was feeling and cried and then later I talked about it with the roommates and cried some more. I think sometimes for us to acknowledge stuff we need to speak it... let the words come into form and be released into the world for us to hear what's going on in our own heads.

I was sick the next day... flu-like symptoms. Perhaps it was a release of sorts because after that I felt so much better. I am missing my mom and that's ok. Her spirit is forever with me and instead of thinking of her absence, I  shall think of her presence and share with her as I have always done. 

The participants of the teacher training programme are amazing. We each come to this space with our own stories and ideas and learn from each other. As is normal with me it has taken some time for me to warm up to people... or open up... loosen up? I have three roommates who are wonderful and a few others who I feel a true connection with. Perhaps it is to be expected that for something like this there will be people who are searching in their own deeper way?

I've always thought that there's a reason we find ourselves in certain times and spaces with certain people. I have wanted to come to Costa Rica for this programme since 2010... I am now here. It is the perfect moment for whatever I need right now.

I was frustrated with myself last night... there was a group sharing session and although I strongly feel that there is much I could share in terms of thoughts and experiences I have not yet been able to bring myself to speak in front of such a large group. Am sitting with that feeling. When the time is right I shall say what I feel like saying and if the time does not come then that's alright. 

I'm being easy with myself. It is very freeing. 

Sending love to you all, and the wish that you go easy with your self as well. We all need care and the best person to provide that care is ourself. 

peace,

Ren

Now the Inquiry...

"We make our work significant by the courage of our questions and by the depth of our answers". ~Carl Sagan

I've been in Costa Rica at the Nosara Yoga Institute for a little over a week. It's slowly sinking in that I'm not home, that I'm not in my comfort space, that I'm not surrounded by people I care about. It's an experience.

Costa Rica is beautiful, there is jungle and beach and friendly people who speak Spanish (whilst I do not). The yoga teacher training is filled with people from around the world. I'm learning a lot about yoga, about myself, about who I want to be and maybe even a little bit about what I want to do. 

I am missing my mom. Grief is still something that I am working through. There is a mother-daughter pair in our yoga classes and I am somewhat envious of the time and the togetherness that they get to spend with each other. 

I am talking every day with my dad... our relationship has deepened since my mom's passing as we try to fill in the spaces. I am talking every day with the cute guy who is still as adorable as I first found him. Luckily travelling with him was a wonderful experience.

I am asking questions and seeking answers in the work I'm doing and in the space I'm in. We shall see what I shall find.

peace,

Ren

Checking in... 1st week of vacation.

"The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page." ~Saint Augustine

In one week, I have flown across the sea, tasted my way around the world, met princesses and old friends and have overall had a magical time. The only thing not-so-great is the fact that I feel as though I've been walking forever... oh my weary feet! I'm enjoying each moment, the cute guy makes a wonderful travelling partner (it's interesting travelling with someone who is not a family member), I'm freezing in hot, sunny weather and definitely having a good time.

Sharing my joy with you... xoxo

peace,

Ren

On the eve of travels and adventures and whatnot...

peace,
Ren

This is a test...

"We live in a wonderful world that is full of beauty, charm and adventure. There is no end to the adventures that we can have if only we seek them with our eyes open." ~Jawaharlal Nehru

On Monday the cute guy and I are flying off to adventures both anticipated and unknown. I am excited - I love travelling and seeing and experiencing new places. I am anxious - because of the unknown and because of separation from the male parent (our relationship has been changing to accommodate the loss of the female parent... He'll be fine by himself... I hope) and separation from the Cat child who seems to know that I'm leaving home soon and keeps trying (and often-times succeeding) in sitting on me for long periods of time. I am happy... Lighter in a way I have not felt for quite some time.

Looking forward to new adventures and so this post is a test... Can I post from my phone? Hopefully the answer is yes.

Peace,

Ren

Leap of faith...

"Faith is an act of rational choice, which determines us to act as if certain things were true, and in the confident expectation that they will prove to be true." ~Dean Inge

The day before my last day at my current workplace and it's finally caught up to me - the 'oh my Goddess what am I DOING?!', the questioning, the bit of sadness that is leaving a space where I've been for quite a number of years. I've been excited thus far, fairly certain in the knowledge that this is the right thing that I'm doing, but today, I found myself wondering.

Then this popped up on my Instagram feed:

How do we even know when we're ready to take that further step in our path? I'm not waiting... just going with what feels right for the moment and trusting that all will be well. 

My dad asked me how I was feeling about tomorrow being my last day - told him I was perfectly fine until today. He thought about that and then said that although he was not sure it was the right decision and although I went ahead and resigned after he advised against it, it takes a lot of belly (I think this may be a Trini phrase... it takes a lot of... courage? guts? both would work here...) to decide that something isn't working for me and even more belly to do something about it. Whatever happens in the future there is the knowledge that, in this moment when I know that there needs to be a change, I am capable of making it.

All will be well.

peace,

Ren

To the guy who saw me crying on the bus...

"A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles". ~Christopher Reeve

At least I wasn't sobbing? I suppose it must be a bit awkward to turn around and see someone with tears flowing but... ah well. 

The contents of my handbag today:

- wallet

- keys

- 1 lipstick

- 4 pens

- a notepad

- a mini umbrella

- my telephone bill (which I really must remember to pay tomorrow)

- my Kindle

No tissues whatsoever. No napkins. No handkerchiefs. I usually have but I'm not sure what happened today. It's always when you need stuff that stuff disappears. 

I didn't have my car today and it was the first time in quite some time that I had to use public transportation. Yay for air-conditioned buses! Yay also for cute guys who think Kindles make awesome birthday presents because, yes, they do. Having a Kindle means that I can have any amount of reading material with me at any given time... it is fabulous. 

Going up on the bus today, I finished reading the The Stories: Five Years of Original Fiction - I've been reading this collection of short stories over the past few weeks and now I'm done. Whilst waiting on persons for my meeting I started reading Losing Mom: a family's journey of transition, hope & perseverance... it's one of a few books on dealing with cancer and grief and self development that I had started reading before being sidetracked by scifi and fantasy short stories. It's an incredibly beautiful read; a story in which five siblings explore illness, loss, grief and acceptance of their mother's death. I think that each and every page reflected some emotion or thought that I have had myself. It's written from the perspective of the youngest sibling who, from the ages of eight through  twenty-one, had interviews with her siblings which let them learn to talk to each other about their grief and to discover their thoughts on how their mother's death affected life choices and shaped whatever decisions they made. It created a space for them to be supported and comforted.

My brother was eight when my mom was first diagnosed; I was thirteen. Many people have remarked on the fact that we are very close - I read this book today (yes, I finished it on the bus ride back to my office) and thought that our closeness is partly due to my mom's illness. To my stepping in where needed. To shared experiences of hospital visits and crazy treatments and the eventual knowledge that she had to move on. We haven't really talked about her life or her passing in any great detail... it's a conversation I think I'd like to have at some point. I'm not ready yet and before I get there I'll probably pass on this book... it's a really great read for anyone who has lost a parent.

Grief comes in waves... it simmers below the surface and then rises up when something triggers it - a car commercial or a book about siblings who have lost their own mother. In my heart I know she's with me but I miss having her physical presence around.

To the guy who saw me crying on the bus... it couldn't be helped.

peace,

Ren

The Unknown

"Face new challenges, seize new opportunities, test your resources against the unknown and in the process, discover your own unique potential." ~John Amatt

Something that's been coming up a lot in conversations and thoughts I've been having recently: how people face the unknown. What is the unknown? It's anything that is beyond our range of experiences, our knowledge and understanding. 

How do you face it? Where does this apply to you?

I've bought my tickets and will be going to Florida in October and Costa Rica in November. I'm having moments of 'what am I doing?! where am I going?! what will happen after?!' It's a leap of faith... believing that all will be well, that I'll be guided, that what will be - will be for the good. It's excitement and anxiety and butterflies. It's letting go of what no longer works for me and creating the space for something better.

Earlier I was thinking of what I wanted to write about and then I decided to look at television instead. Diners, Drive-ins and Dives was on and Guy was checking out Irazu - a place in Chicago that serves Costa Rican food. I think that when you step into the unknown with a positive attitude you are graced with little moments of serendipity. 

Some of my girl friends are having relationship issues. There are so many relationship issues one can have and I think that females (yes, I include myself here) over think each and every thing. I'm sure guys have their own ways of working through stuff but women over think. Head over heart because sometimes if you just go with the heart you can really get messed up. It's about finding a balance I think and really just figuring out what works and doesn't work, what makes one happy and what doesn't. 

I think facing the unknown is something that can be scary but that can allow us to evolve into a better version of ourselves. What do you think world?

peace,

Ren

p.s. all this thinking about the Unknown and my mind keeps circling around to the Unown... 

Thoughts on marriage, relationships and the sum of its parts...

"The important thing is not to think much, but to love much; and so, do that which best stirs you to love." ~Saint Teresa of Avila

I think that one of the best things about writing in a journal or on a blog is that there is a record of one's thoughts and feelings at various times in one's life. I've been rereading those posts I've done that mention marriage, relationships and thoughts on being single/not single. There are a fair number of them and I'm somewhat pleased that my thoughts on the subject are consistent with and yet a prelude to the thoughts I'm having now. 

A lot of people have been asking me about marriage and talking about that 'phase in life'. These people range from my very own girl people to the Guru to random people that I do not share my life story with. Too many people have brought up the subject and while I may be able to casually dismiss a few... it's been much more than 'a few'. I'm feeling somewhat as though the Universe is ganging up on me. 

What is the big deal with marriage? Why does everyone seem to want me to marry? Grr. I know I have a block of some sort... I'm a bit freaked out by the thought of marriage and I kinda mentioned that in this post. I seem to have spent a lot of time in 2011 thinking about what I'd like in a mate and becoming open to the possibility of marriage. In 2012 I started dating the cute guy (perhaps one day I'll do a post just on the cute guy). It is now 2013 and I find myself happily in a relationship that is empowering and supportive and fun and just lots of good stuff. I feel as though if I start thinking random thoughts on marriage that might mess this up. I'm not quite sure why I think that but... there you go. 

I am in a relationship with a guy that I'm perfectly happy with. I'm happy with the cute guy. I'm happy with the relationship as a whole. I'm not quite sure what the next step is here... so I'm thinking I just enjoy the moments. 

I'm not sure how marriage would make things better. I'm sure there are reasons lots of people are advocates of marriage. I wish I knew, in a deep knowing way and not just in an intellectual way, what those reasons were.

*sigh*

peace,

Ren

p.s. Any thoughts? Advice on marriage? Yay or nay? Yay? Nay? 

Resignation.

"Resignation, not mystic, not detached, but resignation open-eyed, conscious, and informed by love is the only one of our feelings for which it is impossible to become a sham." ~Joseph Conrad

Anxiety and doubt and the looming question of 'what on earth am I doing?!'...

Deep breaths.

A letter of facts and feelings.

A smile and then... 

Release. Freedom. A burst of overwhelming joy and the sun coming out from behind the clouds.

I've handed in my one month's notice... it's the first time I've ever had to. It feels like a big step but one that I know, now that I've taken it, was definitely meant to be taken.

Exciting times ahead.

peace,

Ren

Sick.

"Everything that happens to you is stored and reflected in your body. Your body knows; your body tells. The relationship of yourself to your body is indivisible, inescapable, unavoidable." ~Gabrielle Roth

I have been recovering from the flu... cold... virus? I'm never quite sure what it is - it started off with a sore throat early last week, turned into body aches, sneezing and a slightly scary temperature and is ending up with tired eyes and an overall feeling of almost-but-not-quite-better.

I took today off from work because my eyes would not allow me to leave home. I've mentioned this before on the blog (I think)... my eyes become super-light-sensitive when I'm ill. So much so that the barest hint of sunlight produces streams of tears. I've been in darkness most of this weekend. It may be because of my eyes that I find darkness to be soothing.

The cute guy seems to be in the beginning stages of whatever illness I'm recovering from. Is this part of being in a relationship? Is there a 50-50 rule? If I have an illness, there's a 50-50 possibility that he may or may not get it from me? Healing vibes to him because I know I've been miserable these past few days.

I've been thinking of my grandparents and my parents. As a little girl, whenever I got sick I'd be sent to my grandparents during the day... my sick days form the majority of the memories I have of my grandparents. Been thinking of my mom and how she handled her illness... and of my dad and how he's been handling mine.

I've been dreaming... it hardly ever happens or I rarely remember when I do. When I'm unwell it happens often. Day time dreams and night time dreams; vivid dreams that melt into wisps of dreams when my eyes open. 

It's time for more dreams for me.

Good night world, I've missed talking to you.

peace,

Ren

Should be asleep but...

"The great awareness comes slowly, piece by piece. The path of spiritual growth is a path of lifelong learning. The experience of spiritual power is basically a joyful one." ~M. Scott Peck

Sometimes it's hard to shut off your brain. Monkey mind... I have it tonight. Maybe it's a good thing as it's gotten me to come and write on the blog... writing is definitely one of the tools I use to settle. Come into the moment and breathe.

I've been annoyed with work yesterday, today, quite a while now. I feel being at my workplace is harder now that I've decided I want to do something else. I am ready to move on. I need to let go of the negative feelings surrounding my current workplace. How can I move on to something better if I'm carrying this baggage?

I've been missing my mom or rather, I've been missing conversations with my mom. Tomorrow's the Guru's birthday and I know it's something that is exciting for her. I know she'd have things to say about birthdays and life and about what my choices are. There are times when I feel her presence but I'm not quite to the point where I feel that she is always with me as guide and protector. My compass and shield. 

I'm thinking of writing a book... there are sentences and paragraphs and almost-chapters floating through my head. Something related to cancer and my experiences with it. Something that is part self-help, part memoir. Something that has me reading blogs like this one by David Fleming and books like Tuesdays with Morrie: An Old Man, a Young Man, and Life's Greatest Lesson... One day I will make it a reality.   

In the meantime, I should sleep.

Good night world.

peace,

Ren

On the way to figuring out the whole me... (warning: long post ahead)

'Each person comes into this world with a specific destiny--he has something to fulfil, some message has to be delivered, some work has to be completed. You are not here accidentally--you are here meaningfully. There is a purpose behind you. The whole intends to do something through you.' ~ Osho

When I first started blogging and up until the end of last year, I began each post with a quotation - something that in some way summed up my feelings or thoughts about what I was writing. I'm not sure why I stopped but apparently it's time that I started again. It's the first thing I thought of doing when I sat down to write - finding that perfect quote that speaks to what I want to say. 

What do you think of the above quote?

I've been thinking that for one to truly appreciate one's life, one must appreciate all the facets that make up our lives. All of the connections; we are more than the sum of our parts but I think that we need to know all of our parts to appreciate the sum and beyond.

I've been trying to figure out my parts. The different facets that make up my being. Perhaps in figuring this out I will come to realise what my message is - what I'm meant to bring to this world.

My purpose?

I'm going to quit my job and do the 200-hr yoga teacher training. There. I've said it to [some] people and now I've written it on the blog. I'm tired of my job - I don't know what the reason is for being there and it is both soul-sucking and energy-draining. I've been complaining about it since before I started this blog but have done nothing much about it. The main reasons for me staying there and keeping up with the grind no longer exist. Whilst I don't know that yoga teacher training can help me in any way... I do know that I'm excited about it. It's something that a part of me has wanted to do for a long time. 

My dad freaked out a bit when I told him but he's getting used to the idea I think. I know he's worried about me not having a job, about stuff like living expenses and what would happen if something happened to him and what am I doing with my life... I think I need this to figure out what I'm doing with my life. 

I'm looking at it as a jumping point. A beginning of sorts. Maybe I'll open my own studio? Maybe I'll privately teach people? Maybe I'll take the skills that I learn, fuse them with those I've already got and create something new and exciting?

It's a giant 'maybe' but it's a 'maybe' that I feel excited about... positive... happy. I feel that in other areas of my life I follow what makes me happy... and so in this area, the career/work area, I need to do the same. There is a part of me that feels a strong revulsion at the thought of continuing on in an 8 to 4 office job. Each day is more of a struggle to convince myself to get to work. Surely something isn't right here?

I'm figuring it out. Following the excitement and the happy in the hopes that it would lead into finding out my purpose.

Follow your happy (remind me that I'm committed to following mine).

peace,

Ren

Day before the holiday.

There's been a lot to think about and talk about... I'll get to that in the new month.

I've been processing. Reflecting. Trying to figure out what I want to do and how to go about getting what I want. I've been updating a list. 

What have you been up to?

peace,

Ren

Things I find when cleaning my room... (warning: long post ahead... with pics!)

I've not been at work for two weeks now and am heading into the third (and final) week away. I'm not quite sure what I've been doing these two weeks but my days have been full and though I'm tired, I'm not *tired* in the way that I am when at work. One of my co-workers messaged me - said to make sure to do 'something fun' before going back into work. I don't know what would apply. 

We're heading into a new moon in Cancer - a time for nurturing whatever we have going on in our lives. I've got some thoughts, a list that I may put up here, of things that I'd like to come to fruition. In the meantime, I woke up yesterday morning and decided to try cleaning out some of my room. 

Total Room Domination will be mine!

It takes *forever* though... partly because I get distracted by stuff that I find. It's even worse now that I'm on twitter because I feel compelled to share with people. This post is in fact inspired by that sharing - +Tracey Chan, in response to one of my tweets, requested that I do a post about my finds. This then is: things I find when cleaning my room! 

Flower girl dress

I incorrectly tweeted that this was my first bridesmaid's dress. It wasn't - I was a flower girl. Forgive me +Tracey Chan, I was little... 3? 4? 5? Young. I do remember that I had a headband with flowers. I think I'd like to get another. Flower headbands are cool.

Brochure & Postcard

Found this as I was going through a box of stuff collected during my travels in 2009. I have a weakness for dolls... especially fashionably dressed ones (though I won't know what fashion they're dressed in). If I collected stuff, I think I'd collect different dolls. In 2009, Ventfort Hall hosted an exhibition called: 'Les Petites Dames de Mode' (The little ladies of fashion). It was most beautiful, well crafted and, I believe, is still running if anyone wants to go see it. 

Vial of bubble liquid and one fake eyelash

This photo was the one that inspired this post. I was going through my purses and handbags and found in this one purple purse: a vial of bubble liquid and a fake eyelash. They've been there since 2011 - this is the purse I used for my cousin's wedding. It was also the first time I wore fake eyelashes. I'm not a fan of them at all. Apparently I'm also not great at emptying my bags. Oops?

Mystery watch

I found this watch on my dressing table. I have no idea where it came from. Once upon a time I had one like it but it was pink and pretty and I was much younger, another time I had a slim female version of this and another time I had a Citizen watch that my parents bought. My latest watch has not been worn in... maybe more than a year or two? I have a phone that tells the time. I don't know where this watch came from.

Randoms

I opened a box that has my collection of bindhis and found these. They're random stuff collected in 2010 I think. The dragon buttons were bought cuz they reminded me of both my brother (he's a Dragon and collects dragon stuff) and Puff the Magic Dragon. The corset charm cuz I think it's awesome. I'm not sure where I got the Scratchy coin thing but I kept it because... poor Scratchy. 

Dust :(

A lot of dust. Layers of dust. Dust, dust, dust. I'm still sneezing. Ergh. 

Heart, heart, heart...

A heart collection. Hmm? I did not quite realise that I had so many heart shaped things. The one with my name on it was given to me by my mom - she made a bunch of them for her friends for Christmas in 1997. 

A card from my family that's been wishing me rainbows since my 8th birthday. 

 

This. I don't even know what to call it so I'm just going to refer to it as 'Oink Oink'. It was given to me by a relative who had come home to visit (person lives in foreign). I can't remember what age I was when I got it but I was old enough to wonder why this was the gift. It's the thought that counts? The piglets move when you open it - as though they're nursing. My brother got one that was called 'Pocket Soccer' - it opened up to reveal guys on a soccer (football) field playing soccer (football). 

A troll, not one of those updated Trollz, just a troll: 

Troll in a barrel. 

What things can you find in your space? Stuff that you've forgotten you had? Stuff that have random memories attached to them? I'd love to know.

peace,

Ren