Saturday, January 19, 2013

All of the negative...

This week I've been: 
- Tired. My mom really wasn't feeling so well last Sunday and so I was up most of the night with her. Awake so much so that I took the day off on Monday because I *really needed sleep*. It's been a rough week for her health-wise... and so, it's also been a rough week for us. I think illness of any kind affects not just the person who has it but the family unit or whoever is in their immediate circle. 

-Sad. There have been times over the past seventeen years or so when I thought that maybe, perhaps, it might have been my mom's time to pass. There have been scary moments and sad moments and the like but I think that this time is the first time that I truly feel her time might be near. I don't know that I'm ready to face the death of a parent. 
My other parent is officially, as of yesterday, retired. This is a good thing I'm sure... but it's also a reminder of how time is passing and a part of me wishes it would just freeze.

-Irritable. Perhaps because of lack of sleep this week. I haven't been nearly as patient with people as I can be. Small things have been bugging me at home and at work and with ... just about everybody. There are crazy drivers, for example. I'm usually fairly tolerant but this week I've been irritated enough to want to come on the blog and list in detail all the stupid things that goes on the roads of Trinidad. Obviously I haven't... I complained about them to my work people instead.
The workplace has been annoying me - I'm not sure how some people got to be where they are when they can't do what they're supposed to do. Actually, I do know... nepotism screws things up. All positions should be earned by merit... or people should at least show competency of some kind before being selected to a post. My entire country is being mismanaged at all levels and truly one of the main reasons is nepotism by past and present governments. 
I think the family thinks that I'm always grumpy at them - the thing is that to get things done around my home (that I can't do for myself) people need to be continuously reminded... or something? It annoys me that people won't do stuff if they see/know that it needs to be done. I also know that I'm a bit of a procrastinator so can I really be mad at my people for that?

-Feeling like a nag. Everything is all related... This week I feel as though I've been nagging the family people, the cute guy, the work people. Ugh. I don't like it. I don't like having to constantly mention the same thing over and over... and yet if I don't I feel as though a) nothing will get done, b) there will be missed opportunities and c) the world will come to an end. I know the world is not ending... but really? Oy. People need to do what they should be doing. 

-Crazy, insanely jealous. I still kinda continue to be. Ergh. This is something I need to talk about with the girl people but since my Whatsapp no longer works it's kinda hard to reach out and get all their views. Bleh. A note to the cheaters out there. All you persons that cannot or will not stay true to your partners - You Mess Up Everything. 
Cheating is something I can't comprehend. There can be no good reason for it - it's either you're happy and satisfied with your partner... or you're not. I have major trust issues that start with the fact that my dad has cheated on my mom and continue with the fact that I've been cheated on as well. 
I don't think the cute guy is one that would cheat but there is a part of me that doubts. That part of me that has seen and experienced cheating - that has been through the whole 'am I not enough?' experience. He has close female friends he's known for years upon years... years of history and experiences I don't know about... I've known him for just about one year. I feel small and petty and horrible for thinking such thoughts... and yet when he mentions spending time with close friends I want to snarl. 

*sigh*

Woke up in tears this morning and thought I'd try to figure out why. This is a very gloomy post. There have been positive moments and happy moments but ... I guess I needed to get out all of the dark before feeling alright. 

peace,

Ren

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Almost tears and tears.

"I want to cry", said the mother to me earlier today. She was sitting on her bed, all fragile-looking and in no way resembling the very vital woman that is the image I have of her. Cancer, and the toll it can take on one's body, sucks. It is hard seeing her not able to do things that she wants to do... or having conversations and having to wait for her to make the connections that were once so easy for her to make. At times like these I wonder how she has managed to stay with us for so long. She was first diagnosed when I was 13... I'm going to be 30 this year. It's been rough on all of us but, of course, on her most of all. I am unsure if I could do the same. 

I gave her a hug and told her she'd be alright and that if she wanted to cry then she should. She didn't. Just pulled herself together and then we had lunch. 

After lunch I had my own mini-meltdown and burst into tears. Frustration, sadness, tiredness... a bit of vexation due to my dad and brother. There was a time when I wouldn't cry for anything... at all. I'm not sure what changed... it seems that as I get older my emotions run deeper. 

Or something. 

I've realized that it's far easier to cry and release the emotions than it is to let it build and stress me out. 

Do you need to cry today?

peace,
Ren

Friday, January 11, 2013

Gearing up for a girl night...

Lime with the girl people tonight and it is much needed. I feel tired and somewhat low on energy. It's been a long week with rather tedious work that I realise is in no way fulfilling. There have been moments where I've realised that both parents are older... less vital in a way that they have never been before. I think both work and family life need a boost of positive energy at the moment.

Sometimes the perfect thing to recharge one's batteries is a night spent with people that you've known for ages doing silly stuff and eating comfort food (cheesecake - I've heard that there will be cheesecake!).

Happy Friday all.

peace,
Ren

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Keep Calm and Love Cats...

Perhaps I should have been blogging...

But instead my Cat and I were watching and pinning cat photos onto my Cat board.

I've decided I love Pinterest almost as much as I love cats.

peace,
Ren 


Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Sick to my stomach...

Figuratively speaking that is.

I'm feeling a range of emotions: horror, rage, despair but also love, hope and a bit of gratitude. These emotions have been building a while and I've found that I don't quite have the words to describe the mix of feelings. I can however, provide links so that you can read and understand what brought them up.
It is beyond my comprehension how people could commit such atrocities against other people. I don’t understand how people can support persons that commit rape or sexual violence of any kind. It is heart-breaking in so many ways.
So.
Sending love out to anyone who has been in such a situation… to victims and their friends and families, to people that are trying to change the world for the better.

There is hope in that it’s a topic that is being talked about, that more people are fighting against and reporting on.

There is gratitude in me that I have not had any horrible personal experiences and that my family and the cute guy are persons that I would trust myself with.

What are your thoughts?

Peace,
Ren

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Something random.

In any day there are a number of things I could possibly talk/blog about. Today I thought about blogging on issues about race - there's an election happening soon in my country... it seems that race is a topic that comes up around such times. I find it particularly ridiculous since I'm not sure that the majority of persons in my country (Trinidad and Tobago) can claim to be of any one race. It's a question of identity and self that people seem to have.

I thought about talking about management and mismanagement... it's one of the greatest ills I think - and I believe it affects all levels of our society. I see it everyday at home and at work and in all the drama happening in the country.

I considered blogging on shopping for food... grumpiness over  spending money aside, it's something I really enjoy. Stopped at the local market stall on my way home - fresh fruits and vegetables and kittens underfoot. 

I can't seem to focus on any one thing in particular though so I'll just post something random. Those dimples that some people have on their lower back? They're called the "Dimples of Venus". Now you know. 

Be enlightened...


peace,
Ren

Monday, January 7, 2013

Project 52?

At the beginning of last year I thought about doing a 365 Project... maybe something photo-related. Then I thought perhaps a Project 52 would be better (was even encouraged by Photo Walk TT to do Don Giannatti's Project 52). I also thought maybe I could do something artistic and creative and fabulous! 

I didn't do any of it. It was always on my mind but... I just didn't get around to doing any of it. 

This year I think I will. Something along the lines of a Project 52. A mix of stuff maybe? Photos, finger paint, doodles! I'm not sure exactly what yet. I'm starting today though. It's the last day of the first week of 2013. It's also the first Monday of the year... feels like a good day to start this.

Perhaps it will be ribbon-themed? I like ribbons of all sorts. The beginning then: 


I have a bunch of these pink ribbon messenger doves ... I've given some away as gifts to special friends, each with its own message of blessings of some sort. This one is mine for the year and carries with it my hopes and wishes for 2013. 

Wish me luck! I'm gonna try to stick to it :)

peace,
Ren

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Van Heusen 15 1/2

I ironed 15 shirts for my dad today cuz he returns to work on Monday. I envy those that got these first few days of the year off. Ah well. 

Van Heusen 15 1/2... once upon a time he wore 14 1/2... as I was ironing today it occurred to me that it would be the last time I'd have to do any major bulk ironing for him as he's retiring this month. He won't really need that many shirts available at any particular time. My brother joked that he'd be able to borrow shirts regularly... I could borrow shirts too! There was a time when I used to wear my dad's older shirts - there are few things as comfortable as a somewhat worn Van Heusen shirt. 

My dad is retiring this month. How has time passed so quickly? How did we get to be the age we are? What will he do now? My dad has the potential to drive us crazy if he is home for long periods of time. He has never quite 'fit' with my mom and brother and I. I'm not sure if it's because he just moves to his own beat or because he hasn't spent as much time with us as my mom has. 

I love my dad. I've been told that I'm very like him... I do not see whatever it is that other people see that make them think so. It's a somewhat complicated relationship where I admire and am entertained by him... and where I'm very frustrated and annoyed and vexed by him. 

He's tried his best to teach us how to be adults. Responsible adults. The sad thing is that whenever he's around I feel like a pre-teen. How is it that I can be mature and handle all sorts of drama and responsibilities yet when my dad's around I turn into an 11 year old? Meh. 

I'm somewhat anxious about him retiring. We're all entering different phases of life. It's strange for all of us I think... I think perhaps that because we (my brother and I) haven't left home/moved out our parents still think of us as children - whilst we are their children... we're also adults. We're still figuring out how to deal with each other. 

It's just a weird space right now. Any advice world?

peace,
Ren

Friday, January 4, 2013

Disconnected.

I admit to having a bit of a mini-meltdown earlier brought on by the fact that Whatsapp no longer runs on my iPhone 3G.

How will I talk to people? What will I do? *wail* *sob* *weep*

I am not pleased that my (almost) perfectly maintained phone can no longer run the apps that I want it to run. I bought the phone in early 2010 - I'm not one to switch phones for the newest, most fabulous phone that's out there - I was fully expecting to be able to use my phone till it started falling apart. 

Alas, now I have to get a new one because otherwise... what will I do? 

I can't remember what I did before I had a phone that could connect me instantly to people and the Internet... Perhaps I was more rested? Perhaps I talked to persons more in person? Perhaps I did other things besides constantly scroll through my Twitter timeline?

Perhaps this may turn out to be a good thing?

I'm going to get a new phone (and most likely not an iPhone)... I'm not sure when exactly (sometime when there's a sale most likely) but, I'm not gonna stress too much about it.

peace,
Ren

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Of funds and finances...

Something I need to get back to: saving money. Actually, I think I need to be planning and budgeting and figuring out how best the money that I make should be allocated. I say 'get back to' because once upon a time, when I was in my teens and into the years when I had just started working, I was very much into saving. 

I made money in my teens by working with my dad... and not spending much of it - easy to do when you live at home with your parents. I think the most money I spent then (and now) is on books. When I started working I'd put away a bit every month because ... I thought I'd need it someday. 

I'm not sure where along the line my thoughts on savings changed. Somewhere along the line, among insurance companies being bastards about medical policies, my dad trying to teach us to be responsible and me trying to find my purpose in life, I just decided to let things go. 

Now that I have bills to pay and now that I see just how quickly things can crop up (and how much they can cost) I realise that I do need to better manage my money... and while it's not something I think I'm good at, I'm somewhat thankful for basic accounting classes I've done and the easy access to information about budgeting and saving and whatnot. 

I think it's interesting that I'm thinking about budgeting and the cute guy starts telling me about YNAB. Something to check out... perhaps for January that's what I'll be looking at. Spending and savings and needs and wants.

I want more than I can currently afford. I have various fiscal responsibilities that limit my spending. I need to have some sort of savings.

Oy.

peace,
Ren

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Little interactions...

Little interactions can make or break your day.. or your mood.. or just a moment you may be having. I'm trying to remember the positive, happy moments and let the grumpy moments fade away. 

Somewhat haunted by the following words from the somewhat haunting book House of Leaves:
"Out of the blue, beyond any cause you can trace, you'll suddenly realize things are not how you perceived them to be at all. For some reason, you will no longer be the person you believed you once were. You'll detect slow and subtle shifts going on all around you, more importantly shifts in you. Worse, you'll always realize it's been shifting, like a shimmer of sorts, a vast shimmer, only dark like a room. But you won't understand why or how. You'll have forgotten what granted you this awareness in the first place."
Words floating around my head as I go about my day. What words are in yours? 

peace,
Ren

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

2013!

First day of the year!

I met a lot of people...

I'm thinking about moving this blog and building a website of some sort that provides... something. 

I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I think that says a lot about the job I'm currently in. 

I realize I feel guilty about leaving the parents home and doing my own thing... I realize that they encourage the guilty feelings. I'm not sure how to get out of that. 

I think I need to be more firm with the brother. More physical world responsibility needed.

I love the cute guy... there has yet to be a moment that is not in some way fun, or thought-provoking, or peaceful.

Hello 2013.

peace,
Ren