Saturday, January 19, 2013

All of the negative...

This week I've been: 
- Tired. My mom really wasn't feeling so well last Sunday and so I was up most of the night with her. Awake so much so that I took the day off on Monday because I *really needed sleep*. It's been a rough week for her health-wise... and so, it's also been a rough week for us. I think illness of any kind affects not just the person who has it but the family unit or whoever is in their immediate circle. 

-Sad. There have been times over the past seventeen years or so when I thought that maybe, perhaps, it might have been my mom's time to pass. There have been scary moments and sad moments and the like but I think that this time is the first time that I truly feel her time might be near. I don't know that I'm ready to face the death of a parent. 
My other parent is officially, as of yesterday, retired. This is a good thing I'm sure... but it's also a reminder of how time is passing and a part of me wishes it would just freeze.

-Irritable. Perhaps because of lack of sleep this week. I haven't been nearly as patient with people as I can be. Small things have been bugging me at home and at work and with ... just about everybody. There are crazy drivers, for example. I'm usually fairly tolerant but this week I've been irritated enough to want to come on the blog and list in detail all the stupid things that goes on the roads of Trinidad. Obviously I haven't... I complained about them to my work people instead.
The workplace has been annoying me - I'm not sure how some people got to be where they are when they can't do what they're supposed to do. Actually, I do know... nepotism screws things up. All positions should be earned by merit... or people should at least show competency of some kind before being selected to a post. My entire country is being mismanaged at all levels and truly one of the main reasons is nepotism by past and present governments. 
I think the family thinks that I'm always grumpy at them - the thing is that to get things done around my home (that I can't do for myself) people need to be continuously reminded... or something? It annoys me that people won't do stuff if they see/know that it needs to be done. I also know that I'm a bit of a procrastinator so can I really be mad at my people for that?

-Feeling like a nag. Everything is all related... This week I feel as though I've been nagging the family people, the cute guy, the work people. Ugh. I don't like it. I don't like having to constantly mention the same thing over and over... and yet if I don't I feel as though a) nothing will get done, b) there will be missed opportunities and c) the world will come to an end. I know the world is not ending... but really? Oy. People need to do what they should be doing. 

-Crazy, insanely jealous. I still kinda continue to be. Ergh. This is something I need to talk about with the girl people but since my Whatsapp no longer works it's kinda hard to reach out and get all their views. Bleh. A note to the cheaters out there. All you persons that cannot or will not stay true to your partners - You Mess Up Everything. 
Cheating is something I can't comprehend. There can be no good reason for it - it's either you're happy and satisfied with your partner... or you're not. I have major trust issues that start with the fact that my dad has cheated on my mom and continue with the fact that I've been cheated on as well. 
I don't think the cute guy is one that would cheat but there is a part of me that doubts. That part of me that has seen and experienced cheating - that has been through the whole 'am I not enough?' experience. He has close female friends he's known for years upon years... years of history and experiences I don't know about... I've known him for just about one year. I feel small and petty and horrible for thinking such thoughts... and yet when he mentions spending time with close friends I want to snarl. 

*sigh*

Woke up in tears this morning and thought I'd try to figure out why. This is a very gloomy post. There have been positive moments and happy moments but ... I guess I needed to get out all of the dark before feeling alright. 

peace,

Ren

1 comment:

Herschey's Kisses said...

ren, i cant even begin to understand how u nust feel. it can only be heart wrenching to see ur mom condition worsening...i know she is a fighter and has pulled through in the past and i pray that god continues to stand by her and bring her through it again..

it is not a normal thing, to wake up each day and face our mortality..i have dealt with my own mortality twice already in my life and since then it is something that i think of often so i know it must be hard to face that possibility that u may lose your mom..there are no words that can be spoken to ease that feeling..all i can say is not to give up, there is always hope.

your mood in this time is expected as u are very emotional...just take a few mins each day for yourself, ALONE...no company.

as far as the jealousy thing goes, it is present in every relationship to some degree. dont beat yourself up over it. from what i have seen your bf is totally into you and i dont think he would do that to you. he is NOT your father. and yes he is a man but there are the good guys out there and i believe you have one.

also, i hope you get your new phone soon we miss you in the group chat....where is my Ren??

my hugs and kisses to your mom,
talk to u soon

lots of love,
herschel