Thursday, April 18, 2013

Moving on...

Today, one of my oldest girl friends called to tell me that she'd dreamt my mom. We've been friends since we were seven, were told that we looked alike, have a lot of similar likes and dislikes and went to three different schools together. Since leaving school though, we haven't been in each other's company as often. Life has a way of carrying you along its own paths. We're still close though and no matter how many days or months or years pass between our meetings we always pick up just as we left off.

The morning after my mom passed I messaged her - she came over to my house with bagel, eggs and coffee (blessed coffee!) and stayed for a good portion of the day helping me figure out funeral stuff and the basics of what one does when a member of one's family passes away. She was there behind-the-scenes for the wake and the funeral and is still checking up on me. I am grateful for her being there.

She told me today that she'd dreamt my mom last night ... that in her dream my mom was happy and smiling and told her to tell me that she would always be with me. My brain was too fuzzed by that to ask for further details of her dream. I wish I remembered my dreams... after many times of complaining to my brother that I don't dream he told me that I did - I just didn't remember them. I don't think I've dreamt my mom though.

I do know that I think about her all the time.

Today was the final rites... after today, my brother will be doing offerings/prayer every day for a year, then we'll do a major one-year prayers and then that would cover all the requirements of Hindu funeral rites - as far as I know. After the rites today, it is believed that the soul begins its journey onwards... it is believed that from the time of death till today's rites the soul would have hung around on this earthly plane but that after today's rites it would journey onward. 

I know that whatever space she's in, she's free - of whatever trappings exist in our world. I can be happy about this... but, I still miss her presence. 

It's time though to start thinking of how to live without her physical presence... how to be connected to the essence of her. How to carry her with me throughout my life... to figure out what I want to do with my life. 

Time to start the process of moving on. 

I'm not sure yet that I want to.

peace,
Ren

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