Should be asleep but...

"The great awareness comes slowly, piece by piece. The path of spiritual growth is a path of lifelong learning. The experience of spiritual power is basically a joyful one." ~M. Scott Peck

Sometimes it's hard to shut off your brain. Monkey mind... I have it tonight. Maybe it's a good thing as it's gotten me to come and write on the blog... writing is definitely one of the tools I use to settle. Come into the moment and breathe.

I've been annoyed with work yesterday, today, quite a while now. I feel being at my workplace is harder now that I've decided I want to do something else. I am ready to move on. I need to let go of the negative feelings surrounding my current workplace. How can I move on to something better if I'm carrying this baggage?

I've been missing my mom or rather, I've been missing conversations with my mom. Tomorrow's the Guru's birthday and I know it's something that is exciting for her. I know she'd have things to say about birthdays and life and about what my choices are. There are times when I feel her presence but I'm not quite to the point where I feel that she is always with me as guide and protector. My compass and shield. 

I'm thinking of writing a book... there are sentences and paragraphs and almost-chapters floating through my head. Something related to cancer and my experiences with it. Something that is part self-help, part memoir. Something that has me reading blogs like this one by David Fleming and books like Tuesdays with Morrie: An Old Man, a Young Man, and Life's Greatest Lesson... One day I will make it a reality.   

In the meantime, I should sleep.

Good night world.

peace,

Ren

On the way to figuring out the whole me... (warning: long post ahead)

'Each person comes into this world with a specific destiny--he has something to fulfil, some message has to be delivered, some work has to be completed. You are not here accidentally--you are here meaningfully. There is a purpose behind you. The whole intends to do something through you.' ~ Osho

When I first started blogging and up until the end of last year, I began each post with a quotation - something that in some way summed up my feelings or thoughts about what I was writing. I'm not sure why I stopped but apparently it's time that I started again. It's the first thing I thought of doing when I sat down to write - finding that perfect quote that speaks to what I want to say. 

What do you think of the above quote?

I've been thinking that for one to truly appreciate one's life, one must appreciate all the facets that make up our lives. All of the connections; we are more than the sum of our parts but I think that we need to know all of our parts to appreciate the sum and beyond.

I've been trying to figure out my parts. The different facets that make up my being. Perhaps in figuring this out I will come to realise what my message is - what I'm meant to bring to this world.

My purpose?

I'm going to quit my job and do the 200-hr yoga teacher training. There. I've said it to [some] people and now I've written it on the blog. I'm tired of my job - I don't know what the reason is for being there and it is both soul-sucking and energy-draining. I've been complaining about it since before I started this blog but have done nothing much about it. The main reasons for me staying there and keeping up with the grind no longer exist. Whilst I don't know that yoga teacher training can help me in any way... I do know that I'm excited about it. It's something that a part of me has wanted to do for a long time. 

My dad freaked out a bit when I told him but he's getting used to the idea I think. I know he's worried about me not having a job, about stuff like living expenses and what would happen if something happened to him and what am I doing with my life... I think I need this to figure out what I'm doing with my life. 

I'm looking at it as a jumping point. A beginning of sorts. Maybe I'll open my own studio? Maybe I'll privately teach people? Maybe I'll take the skills that I learn, fuse them with those I've already got and create something new and exciting?

It's a giant 'maybe' but it's a 'maybe' that I feel excited about... positive... happy. I feel that in other areas of my life I follow what makes me happy... and so in this area, the career/work area, I need to do the same. There is a part of me that feels a strong revulsion at the thought of continuing on in an 8 to 4 office job. Each day is more of a struggle to convince myself to get to work. Surely something isn't right here?

I'm figuring it out. Following the excitement and the happy in the hopes that it would lead into finding out my purpose.

Follow your happy (remind me that I'm committed to following mine).

peace,

Ren