Thursday, September 26, 2013

To the guy who saw me crying on the bus...

"A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles". ~Christopher Reeve

At least I wasn't sobbing? I suppose it must be a bit awkward to turn around and see someone with tears flowing but... ah well. 

The contents of my handbag today:
- wallet
- keys
- 1 lipstick
- 4 pens
- a notepad
- a mini umbrella
- my telephone bill (which I really must remember to pay tomorrow)
- my Kindle

No tissues whatsoever. No napkins. No handkerchiefs. I usually have but I'm not sure what happened today. It's always when you need stuff that stuff disappears. 

I didn't have my car today and it was the first time in quite some time that I had to use public transportation. Yay for air-conditioned buses! Yay also for cute guys who think Kindles make awesome birthday presents because, yes, they do. Having a Kindle means that I can have any amount of reading material with me at any given time... it is fabulous. 

Going up on the bus today, I finished reading the The Stories: Five Years of Original Fiction - I've been reading this collection of short stories over the past few weeks and now I'm done. Whilst waiting on persons for my meeting I started reading Losing Mom: a family's journey of transition, hope & perseverance... it's one of a few books on dealing with cancer and grief and self development that I had started reading before being sidetracked by scifi and fantasy short stories. It's an incredibly beautiful read; a story in which five siblings explore illness, loss, grief and acceptance of their mother's death. I think that each and every page reflected some emotion or thought that I have had myself. It's written from the perspective of the youngest sibling who, from the ages of eight through  twenty-one, had interviews with her siblings which let them learn to talk to each other about their grief and to discover their thoughts on how their mother's death affected life choices and shaped whatever decisions they made. It created a space for them to be supported and comforted.

My brother was eight when my mom was first diagnosed; I was thirteen. Many people have remarked on the fact that we are very close - I read this book today (yes, I finished it on the bus ride back to my office) and thought that our closeness is partly due to my mom's illness. To my stepping in where needed. To shared experiences of hospital visits and crazy treatments and the eventual knowledge that she had to move on. We haven't really talked about her life or her passing in any great detail... it's a conversation I think I'd like to have at some point. I'm not ready yet and before I get there I'll probably pass on this book... it's a really great read for anyone who has lost a parent.

Grief comes in waves... it simmers below the surface and then rises up when something triggers it - a car commercial or a book about siblings who have lost their own mother. In my heart I know she's with me but I miss having her physical presence around.

To the guy who saw me crying on the bus... it couldn't be helped.

peace,
Ren

Monday, September 23, 2013

The Unknown

"Face new challenges, seize new opportunities, test your resources against the unknown and in the process, discover your own unique potential." ~John Amatt

Something that's been coming up a lot in conversations and thoughts I've been having recently: how people face the unknown. What is the unknown? It's anything that is beyond our range of experiences, our knowledge and understanding. 

How do you face it? Where does this apply to you?

I've bought my tickets and will be going to Florida in October and Costa Rica in November. I'm having moments of 'what am I doing?! where am I going?! what will happen after?!' It's a leap of faith... believing that all will be well, that I'll be guided, that what will be - will be for the good. It's excitement and anxiety and butterflies. It's letting go of what no longer works for me and creating the space for something better.

Earlier I was thinking of what I wanted to write about and then I decided to look at television instead. Diners, Drive-ins and Dives was on and Guy was checking out Irazu - a place in Chicago that serves Costa Rican food. I think that when you step into the unknown with a positive attitude you are graced with little moments of serendipity. 

Some of my girl friends are having relationship issues. There are so many relationship issues one can have and I think that females (yes, I include myself here) over think each and every thing. I'm sure guys have their own ways of working through stuff but women over think. Head over heart because sometimes if you just go with the heart you can really get messed up. It's about finding a balance I think and really just figuring out what works and doesn't work, what makes one happy and what doesn't. 

I think facing the unknown is something that can be scary but that can allow us to evolve into a better version of ourselves. What do you think world?

peace,
Ren

p.s. all this thinking about the Unknown and my mind keeps circling around to the Unown... 

Monday, September 16, 2013

Thoughts on marriage, relationships and the sum of its parts...

"The important thing is not to think much, but to love much; and so, do that which best stirs you to love." ~Saint Teresa of Avila

I think that one of the best things about writing in a journal or on a blog is that there is a record of one's thoughts and feelings at various times in one's life. I've been rereading those posts I've done that mention marriage, relationships and thoughts on being single/not single. There are a fair number of them and I'm somewhat pleased that my thoughts on the subject are consistent with and yet a prelude to the thoughts I'm having now. 

A lot of people have been asking me about marriage and talking about that 'phase in life'. These people range from my very own girl people to the Guru to random people that I do not share my life story with. Too many people have brought up the subject and while I may be able to casually dismiss a few... it's been much more than 'a few'. I'm feeling somewhat as though the Universe is ganging up on me. 

What is the big deal with marriage? Why does everyone seem to want me to marry? Grr. I know I have a block of some sort... I'm a bit freaked out by the thought of marriage and I kinda mentioned that in this post. I seem to have spent a lot of time in 2011 thinking about what I'd like in a mate and becoming open to the possibility of marriage. In 2012 I started dating the cute guy (perhaps one day I'll do a post just on the cute guy). It is now 2013 and I find myself happily in a relationship that is empowering and supportive and fun and just lots of good stuff. I feel as though if I start thinking random thoughts on marriage that might mess this up. I'm not quite sure why I think that but... there you go. 

I am in a relationship with a guy that I'm perfectly happy with. I'm happy with the cute guy. I'm happy with the relationship as a whole. I'm not quite sure what the next step is here... so I'm thinking I just enjoy the moments. 

I'm not sure how marriage would make things better. I'm sure there are reasons lots of people are advocates of marriage. I wish I knew, in a deep knowing way and not just in an intellectual way, what those reasons were.

*sigh*

peace,
Ren

p.s. Any thoughts? Advice on marriage? Yay or nay? Yay? Nay? 

Monday, September 9, 2013

Resignation.

"Resignation, not mystic, not detached, but resignation open-eyed, conscious, and informed by love is the only one of our feelings for which it is impossible to become a sham." ~Joseph Conrad

Anxiety and doubt and the looming question of 'what on earth am I doing?!'...

Deep breaths.

A letter of facts and feelings.

A smile and then... 

Release. Freedom. A burst of overwhelming joy and the sun coming out from behind the clouds.

I've handed in my one month's notice... it's the first time I've ever had to. It feels like a big step but one that I know, now that I've taken it, was definitely meant to be taken.

Exciting times ahead.

peace,
Ren


Monday, September 2, 2013

Sick.

"Everything that happens to you is stored and reflected in your body. Your body knows; your body tells. The relationship of yourself to your body is indivisible, inescapable, unavoidable." ~Gabrielle Roth

I have been recovering from the flu... cold... virus? I'm never quite sure what it is - it started off with a sore throat early last week, turned into body aches, sneezing and a slightly scary temperature and is ending up with tired eyes and an overall feeling of almost-but-not-quite-better.

I took today off from work because my eyes would not allow me to leave home. I've mentioned this before on the blog (I think)... my eyes become super-light-sensitive when I'm ill. So much so that the barest hint of sunlight produces streams of tears. I've been in darkness most of this weekend. It may be because of my eyes that I find darkness to be soothing.

The cute guy seems to be in the beginning stages of whatever illness I'm recovering from. Is this part of being in a relationship? Is there a 50-50 rule? If I have an illness, there's a 50-50 possibility that he may or may not get it from me? Healing vibes to him because I know I've been miserable these past few days.

I've been thinking of my grandparents and my parents. As a little girl, whenever I got sick I'd be sent to my grandparents during the day... my sick days form the majority of the memories I have of my grandparents. Been thinking of my mom and how she handled her illness... and of my dad and how he's been handling mine.

I've been dreaming... it hardly ever happens or I rarely remember when I do. When I'm unwell it happens often. Day time dreams and night time dreams; vivid dreams that melt into wisps of dreams when my eyes open. 

It's time for more dreams for me.

Good night world, I've missed talking to you.

peace,
Ren