November 1st

"The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance." ~Alan Watts

November and I find myself thinking that it's been just over a year since I left my job. It's been just over a year and a half since my mom passed away. Nine months since I've started my own business. Time passes so quickly and we don't even realise that it is doing so. We are caught up in living and I think that maybe that is a good way for time to pass. 

What is time passing? Moments that flow from one to the other. Seconds into minutes into days into months into a year and more. I am different now than I was before. You are a different person than the one you were when you opened up this site and started to read. I think it is interesting how we choose to spend our time. What do we give our attention to? Who do we stay with? What do we want to do most? 

I think there aren't enough people in my country thinking about what to give their attention to. Not enough people thinking about what is important for our country - if we were to still be around twenty years from now, what kind of world will we be living in?

Perhaps there are people, perhaps not. This month I think about me - who I am, what I'm doing, where I want to go. It's important I think.

peace,

Ren

Feeling the feelings

"As our feelings are tapped, they become a resource for further self-understanding and creativity. We gently allow ourselves to awaken to new possibilities." ~ Natalie Rogers

Today makes a year since my mother's passing. I am not quite sure how a year has already gone by. I'm glad that I made the decision to post all through April last year because now I can reflect on how I was then compared to how I am now. This is part of the beauty of putting down words - that they will be there as a reminder of what was happening in our minds and hearts. 

Some months after my mom passed away I read Joan Didion's "A Year of Magical Thinking" - her memoir of the year that followed her husband's passing. I recommend it for anyone who has lost someone for it is so well written and captures, perhaps, all the feelings one may go through as we learn to live without the physical presence of our loved one. Some of what she wrote in that book: 

• "Life changes in an instant. The ordinary instant."
• "Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. We anticipate (we know) that someone close to us could die, but we do not look beyond the few days or weeks that immediately follow such an imagined death."
• "A single person is missing for you, and the whole world is empty."

Three quotes from a book filled with so many that resonated with what I was feeling. My mom's passing shook my world - made me take a look at my life in a way that I hadn't done before because there was always something else to do. I am given to introspection but I had not done so to the level that I could have until after my mom's funeral and the realisation that it was time for me to be doing more with my life. I've made some changes and am heading in a direction that I am happy to be heading for now. 

Today is the 9th day of the 40 day Meditation Retreat observed by members of the Blue Star.  In 2011, I encouraged my mom to post about her thoughts on the 40-days. On the 9th day of the 40-days in 2011 my mom wrote about 'freeing the soul from human limitations'. I take comfort in her words then as well as the words from today's message. This year the messages are based on Self-Mastery - today's message speaks of 'readiness'. How ready are we for the step we want to make or think we should make? How ready am I? What steps do I want to take?

I'm feeling all the feelings and letting them be part of my inner guide. How ready am I to move forward? What does moving forward mean for me? What does it mean for you?

Each day that passes I think of my mom... I know she'll always be with me and, in asking myself these questions and seeking to find the answers, I know that this is what she would have wanted for me. 

Always love to you, my mama.

peace,

Ren

All things change, but nothing dies ~Ovid

My mother passed away last night. I am heartbroken yet joyful. I am yet to let myself fully feel all that I will... for now, we are caught up in the funeral planning and the everyday. I'm taking short moments in between to remember her. It feels as though there is a part of me missing and I must remind myself that it is only the body that has passed... the love and the energy that she embodied is still here.   

At the end of it all it was an easy passing. Both my brother and I suspected that the transition would happen soon and the three of us (my dad, my brother and I) were with her. 

There is one word that describes her passing: "ease". Between one breath and the next. Peaceful. Powerful.  Interestingly enough, some time back I had drawn two cards... for myself, thinking about the mother... I find cards comforting and sometimes an easy way to direct energy, to call attention to what's important. These are the cards I drew:

I thought they were appropriate then... and even more so now. 

A few weeks ago, I was sitting by her bedside and she looked at me and said in a somewhat shocked voice, "You will miss me when I'm gone?!"... Yes, mom, my mama, I will miss you always. 

Love and peace,

Ren