When opportunity knocks...

"Every door is another passage, another boundary we have to go beyond." ~Rumi

This week I'll be attending a four-day Mediation Skills Training Workshop. I'm not yet sure why. I'm sure at some point in the future I'll figure it out. For now, I have the opportunity to do it and why waste an opportunity?

I am excited - because I like learning new things. Nervous - because I do not like being in front of people. Optimistic - because surely this can only lead to positive things. Anxious - because I will not be home for four days; hopefully the brother, parent and Cat Chile get along well. Aggravated - because I had to find four outfits of a business-suit nature and after just over a year of not wearing such it's a bit frustrating. 

What are you up to this week?

peace,

Ren

November 1st

"The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance." ~Alan Watts

November and I find myself thinking that it's been just over a year since I left my job. It's been just over a year and a half since my mom passed away. Nine months since I've started my own business. Time passes so quickly and we don't even realise that it is doing so. We are caught up in living and I think that maybe that is a good way for time to pass. 

What is time passing? Moments that flow from one to the other. Seconds into minutes into days into months into a year and more. I am different now than I was before. You are a different person than the one you were when you opened up this site and started to read. I think it is interesting how we choose to spend our time. What do we give our attention to? Who do we stay with? What do we want to do most? 

I think there aren't enough people in my country thinking about what to give their attention to. Not enough people thinking about what is important for our country - if we were to still be around twenty years from now, what kind of world will we be living in?

Perhaps there are people, perhaps not. This month I think about me - who I am, what I'm doing, where I want to go. It's important I think.

peace,

Ren

Witnessing and being easy with self

"The moment you start watching the thinker, a higher level of consciousness becomes activated. You then begin to realize that there is a vast realm of intelligence beyond thought, that thought is only a tiny aspect of that intelligence. You also realise that all the things that truly matter - beauty, love, creativity, joy, inner peace - arise from beyond the mind. You begin to awaken." ~Eckhart Tolle 

Today is the last day of the second week of yoga teacher training. We've been talking and learning about focusing, witness consciousness, meditation and the various asanas - physical poses and how we can assist with them. Apart from the actual physical practice it is all stuff that I have heard before. I have been introduced to these ideas and thoughts from an early age and as long as I've been involved with the Blue Star, awareness of such has been a part of me.  

This week I have been sad and gloomy, thinking about my mom and just overall missing her... Then we had a conscious listening class in which I said what I was feeling and cried and then later I talked about it with the roommates and cried some more. I think sometimes for us to acknowledge stuff we need to speak it... let the words come into form and be released into the world for us to hear what's going on in our own heads.

I was sick the next day... flu-like symptoms. Perhaps it was a release of sorts because after that I felt so much better. I am missing my mom and that's ok. Her spirit is forever with me and instead of thinking of her absence, I  shall think of her presence and share with her as I have always done. 

The participants of the teacher training programme are amazing. We each come to this space with our own stories and ideas and learn from each other. As is normal with me it has taken some time for me to warm up to people... or open up... loosen up? I have three roommates who are wonderful and a few others who I feel a true connection with. Perhaps it is to be expected that for something like this there will be people who are searching in their own deeper way?

I've always thought that there's a reason we find ourselves in certain times and spaces with certain people. I have wanted to come to Costa Rica for this programme since 2010... I am now here. It is the perfect moment for whatever I need right now.

I was frustrated with myself last night... there was a group sharing session and although I strongly feel that there is much I could share in terms of thoughts and experiences I have not yet been able to bring myself to speak in front of such a large group. Am sitting with that feeling. When the time is right I shall say what I feel like saying and if the time does not come then that's alright. 

I'm being easy with myself. It is very freeing. 

Sending love to you all, and the wish that you go easy with your self as well. We all need care and the best person to provide that care is ourself. 

peace,

Ren

Now the Inquiry...

"We make our work significant by the courage of our questions and by the depth of our answers". ~Carl Sagan

I've been in Costa Rica at the Nosara Yoga Institute for a little over a week. It's slowly sinking in that I'm not home, that I'm not in my comfort space, that I'm not surrounded by people I care about. It's an experience.

Costa Rica is beautiful, there is jungle and beach and friendly people who speak Spanish (whilst I do not). The yoga teacher training is filled with people from around the world. I'm learning a lot about yoga, about myself, about who I want to be and maybe even a little bit about what I want to do. 

I am missing my mom. Grief is still something that I am working through. There is a mother-daughter pair in our yoga classes and I am somewhat envious of the time and the togetherness that they get to spend with each other. 

I am talking every day with my dad... our relationship has deepened since my mom's passing as we try to fill in the spaces. I am talking every day with the cute guy who is still as adorable as I first found him. Luckily travelling with him was a wonderful experience.

I am asking questions and seeking answers in the work I'm doing and in the space I'm in. We shall see what I shall find.

peace,

Ren

November.

"It is better to travel well than to arrive." ~Buddha

November already and I posted not one post for October. I have drafts that I started and then decided against. Bits of thoughts and phrases floating in my head that maybe could be shared... it just didn't seem like the time for it. Then the end of October came and I thought about posting on the 29th - Taurus Full Moon whilst the Sun is in Scorpio - it's an interesting time for me. Then the day passed and I thought about posting on the 30th - between the Full Moon and Samhain - a transition of sorts. Then that day passed and I thought about posting on the 31st - but I got caught up at work and I went out with the cute guy and we talked plot lines and food and had an overall fabulous time... and now it's November.

October was interesting... I went to the Dragon Boat Regatta this year. It's something I've wanted to go to in previous years but  just haven't managed it. Pretty impressive and I'm somewhat jealous of the arm muscles of those that actually take part. I saw a lot of photo ppl... since I've been photo-walking and hanging out with photo ppl it seems that everywhere I go there's someone I know taking photos. 

I went on a photo walk :) to Tobago - as part of the World Wide Photo Walk that happens every year. Weekend in Tobago with fun people, photos and good food. Very awesome :)  

I went to Ramleela festivities in Palmiste, saw both Hotel Transylvania and Frankenweenie and signed up for NaNoWriMo (it's started... I have *no idea* what to write!). I got sick (I'm still sick... it feels as though I've been sick all year), I got mad about the Budget, I worked (worked, worked... work has been crazy) and I prayed for Hurricane Sandy to not do too much damage.

October has been interesting... and now we're on to November.

Hope you're all okay...

peace,

Ren

My 'plus one'...

"... this strange state of affairs also presents an opportunity: as the economy evolves, it's time to embrace new ideas about romance and family - and to acknowledge the end of 'traditional' marriage as society's highest ideal." ~Kate Bolick

It's that time of year when there are dinners or lunches or some sort of event held to celebrate something (whether it be Christmas or something else that's being celebrated). Our office is having a 'Christmas Luncheon' and as is customary for these events we can bring along a guest. This is great for married people... or for people with significant others. Apparently it's not great for single people? I'm not exactly sure? I'm perfectly happy going to places/events by myself and, if I really wanted to go with someone, then I can call on my brother or any of my cousins (male or female) or even my girl people (that group of girls closest to my heart) - all of whom would be happy to go along with me if only to keep me company... all of whom would keep me entertained.  

Shoeaholic asked who'd be my 'plus one'. I said noone... then I said if I had to bring someone (which I don't) I'd ask my brother. She thought that was sad. I was thoroughly confused. I'm single after all. Am I supposed to hunt up someone to carry? And why?

I read this excellent article recently: 'All the Single Ladies'. It discusses the changing concept of marriage, changing family structures, gender parity, a 'crisis in gender', 'dating gaps', and a lot of theories and ideas about the male-female relationship and how that's changing. It's very thought-provoking... and resonates a lot with what I think about relationships and how they can be.  

I'm lucky I think in that I have strong relationships with both family and friends. I don't see the need at this time to hook up with some random guy... and I haven't really met any guy in recent times that I'd like to hook up with or partner with, or have a long-term relationship with. Maybe it's that I'm not allowing myself to or that I'm just not out and about meeting guys - whatever it is... I think I'm good at the moment. What will be will be. In the meantime I have any of a number of persons to choose from to act as a 'plus one' and if I didn't... I'm comfortable in my own company.

peace,

Ren

Circle of Life

"Everything is affected by and is part of everything else, changing constantly from one state to another. The rain becomes the river; the river surrenders to the sea and the cycle begins over again. Nothing is ever lost. The melody changes – the dance goes on." ~Connie Harrison 

Two statements I made to my mom today: 

1. "If I don't have children... who will do my funeral rites?!" 
2. "So... one day, 30 years from now, I will turn to people I'm with and say: 'I looking just like mih mother!'"

It's been an exhausting day... in the emotional sense and not the physical sense. Yesterday, my mom learnt that a friend of hers had passed away. This friend was in the hospital as she'd had a heart-attack the weekend before and I think cancer of some kind before that. Still, it was somewhat unexpected. The woman was my mom's age. They went to secondary school together, went to university together, started working together and today I went with my mom to her funeral. Death is not something I am unfamiliar with... we've known a lot of people that have passed on... it just shakes me up a bit knowing that persons that are as old as my parents are passing away. 

It was a good funeral. My family is not one that appreciates hysterics... or wild outpourings of grief. This funeral was done according to Hindu rites... it was very calm, very prayerful... the Pundit spoke well (not all persons officiating at funerals do). He spoke of how the soul appreciates respect shown to the body for its service in this lifetime and how it is presently a good period to die (a good time of month I think... or a good month :s). My mom met a lot of persons that she knew -  ALL of whom stated that they should meet up more often and not just see each other at funerals. 

*sigh*

Came home and had lively discussions with my family. I'd like to die in October please. I have no clue really whether that's a good month or not though perhaps in some religion or other it is. I just think it would be a good time. I'm not sure if when one's soul leaves one's body it hangs around to note whether respect is being shown. I had a moment where I asked the first question above but then - I've got cousins (lots of them) and I'm sure they'll have children. I'd like to plan my own funeral. My mom would like to plan hers as well. My dad says it matters not to him. My brother says he'll do our last rites. Let's all assume that he's outliving the rest of us. Both my mom and I are concerned about what we'd be dressed in - my brother said that we were nuts. Ah well. 

It's just being prepared really.    

The four of us went out to dinner tonight in celebration of my parents' wedding anniversary and the fact that I now have an MBA. Maybe one day I'll write about why it's very awkward thinking about/celebrating my parents' anniversary but that day is not today. It just is very awkward and it was made more so (for me anyway) by our waitress telling my parents to drop us by our grandparents and have themselves a good night. Ick. Just... ick. And also, both sets of grandparents are no longer alive. The food was excellent though. The music was as well. The only downside, apart from the awkwardness that maybe I alone feel, was that my mom was in pain and such... long day = aches and pains everywhere. Sadness because I know she wants to be out and celebrating and that she feels guilty when we're all concerned about her. C'est la vie. At one point she saw herself in the mirror and commented on how much she looks like her mom... yes, this prompted my second statement above. I think she thinks of her mom often and misses her. I think that I will think of her often and miss her equally when she's gone. We do strongly resemble each other. 

It's been a long day and I'm a bit sad, a bit grumpy, a bit grateful, a bit happy. 

Happy weekend to you.

peace,

Ren

...and I'm back.

"The sense of community is indispensable… to full self-realization." ~Herbert J. Muller 

Again. I'm here to stay for a bit. 

New moon in Sagittarius with a Solar Eclipse. Time for focusing on what I want to bring into being. This of course makes me wonder exactly what I want to bring into being. I'm a bit fuzzy on that. I've been a bit raw. Emotionally frazzled. Physically tired. Mentally stressed. I want a healthier me... calm, cool, collected. Bending without breaking. I want ... peace and happiness. It's the season for it isn't it? 

I've been up to a lot lately... it's part of why I've been missing. The crazy? Work, work, work and some crazy people... some of whom I work with and some of whom need to find themselves a life... or just grow up really. 

The fun? UpMarket. I was invited by Cupcake Wench (everyone's favourite purveyor of mouthwatering cupcakes) and her hubby (I stole her description from his site) and was most happy that I attended. Am thinking perhaps I should say that my belly was very happy that I attended since that's a bit more accurate. If you're ever in Trinidad and Tobago and decide to visit UpMarket (apparently it's going to be held regularly) here's some advice: don't go when you're hungry. Seriously. I found myself paying way more attention to the yummy foodstuff than the pretty clothing/jewellery/miscellaneous stuff. In fact, I came home with cupcakes (of course), tomato chutney, Chuck Norris pepper sauce (bought from Zaaki), olive bites, cheesecake-stuffed-strawberries and a jar of hummus. *sigh* The only non-edible items were 4 scented candles (I think vanilla and lavender)... a steelpan music CD  (Caribbean Christmas by Robert Tobitt)... and a coaster for my dad made of pink poui wood. I was very impressed by the variety of stalls and the quality of merchandise/foodstuff. I'll probably be attending again at some point. 

Something else I went to because a friend asked - Hott 93's Polar Plunge (I think it was an anniversary party). It's not something I'd usually go to. I'm not a big fan of crowds. Wasn't really in the mood. It was all about support... because it was the first time my girl Shazelle was performing in Trinidad and Tobago. The event was... *meh* but her performance was awesome. Yes, I did take photos (which are still on my camera along with photos from Divali and other various activities :s). Am hopeful that there are many more songs/videos/performances to come. 

The interesting? I attended the "National Consultation on Securing and Expanding the GATE Programme". It was for work and so can possibly be included under 'the crazy' as the lead up to it was stressful and just plain crazy with people changing their minds at the last minute and such. It's a good thing I have patience. The GATE Programme has three main objectives:

• To make tertiary education affordable to all so that no citizen of Trinidad and Tobago would be denied tertiary education because of inability to pay;
• To widen access to tertiary education that would support economic development and promote social equity; and
• To build and strengthen a national quality tertiary education sector through both public and private tertiary level institutions

I found the actual Consultation to be interesting - it was the first such to be held with regards to the GATE programme which I find to be very sad, considering that the programme has been in operation since 2004, and also very heartening in that the various stakeholders involved are being asked to provide their thoughts, grievances and recommendations. Lots of relevant points made, some new things proposed... am waiting to see what will come of it. It's a step in the right direction but if it doesn't go all the way then there's not much of a point to it.  

See how much I've been up to? So much happening and so much still to happen.  It's the fun and the interesting and the crazy that makes up my days and I'm just grateful that the fun and interesting outweigh the crazy.  What's going on in your corner of the world? I'm curious ...and I hope that the good outweighs the bad. 

peace,

Ren

11/11/11

“... on 11-11-11, we get a very rare opportunity to see the grey areas that lie between. That space that is so vast that it often separates us from others dissipates on this one day, drawing us closer to others and allowing us to connect in ways we normally just can’t.” ~Hans Decoz

There's still a full moon in Taurus - go out and do some moon-gazing if you're so inclined. Thanks to NIHERST, my brother and I were able to view last night's full moon through a telescope... also saw Jupiter and three of its moons. It's a bit awe-inspiring? A bit of grace? I don't know/can't say what's the emotion really - it's different looking up at the sky through a telescope - makes you more aware of just how tiny we are in comparison to what else is here. Then again, this may all just be a figment of our imagination. 

It's the eleventh of November 2011 - 11/11/11 - lots of talk about it... master numbers, beginnings, wishes, hope, prayer. 

What does it mean for me? According to Tarot.com, 

"All in all, you should be able to pause for a quick breath this month. But come 11/11/11, your level of tact with others is somewhere down at the bottom of the well -- which isn't great for matters of the heart. 11/11 is more likely to deliver a break up than a meeting of hearts, so if you are single or in a relatively new relationship, you may want to be careful what you say and how you say it. You are also more susceptible to illness on this date, and would do well to refrain from alcohol or anything else that weakens your system.

Though it's been a shaky month in a very hectic year for you so far, things should start to level off in the coming weeks."

Hmm. What does it mean for me? 

News story tonight about a woman celebrating her 100th birthday today... That's another level of amazing. 

Beginning again. That's what I'm doing. I go through phases, as I suppose we all do. Ups and downs and starting and stopping. I've been feeling stagnant and it's time to start moving again. 

Shift in consciousness? Awareness. Faith. Belief. 

I'm thinking about contributing something to the 11ElevenProject. I'm just grateful that there are such projects - that people are willing to share and contribute towards a better whatever-we-have-here. 

Blessings to you all tonight. 

peace,

Ren

I fell off the planet.

"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin-real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life." ~Alfred D’Souza 

Seriously. 

I've been in this weird space of exhaustion caused by crazy work, crazy people, crazy times - it takes a while to get back up again. It's not all been bad.. just tiring. I've not written much.. no NaNoWriMo.. no 750words... I've just been avoiding being on the computer a lot. There's a lot that has happened since I last wrote though and so... 

Remember my last post? She won... as in Trinidad and Tobago's own Anya Ayoung-Chee won Project Runway... *insert excited shrieking here* or just watch this video: 

Apart from that, there's been a skills expo, T&T may be on 'the brink of a watershed moment in the history of our local media' (something that's desperately needed), I found out 5 ways in which my brain may be messing with my head, we're no longer under curfew (it's been lifted), and an asteroid passed us by. 

And that's just *some* of the stuff that's been happening. I'm sure there's so much more. 

There's a full moon in Taurus tomorrow night. End of a period. Something coming to fullness but I don't know what it is. 

I'll be writing soon. 

peace,

Ren