Thoughts on marriage, relationships and the sum of its parts...

"The important thing is not to think much, but to love much; and so, do that which best stirs you to love." ~Saint Teresa of Avila

I think that one of the best things about writing in a journal or on a blog is that there is a record of one's thoughts and feelings at various times in one's life. I've been rereading those posts I've done that mention marriage, relationships and thoughts on being single/not single. There are a fair number of them and I'm somewhat pleased that my thoughts on the subject are consistent with and yet a prelude to the thoughts I'm having now. 

A lot of people have been asking me about marriage and talking about that 'phase in life'. These people range from my very own girl people to the Guru to random people that I do not share my life story with. Too many people have brought up the subject and while I may be able to casually dismiss a few... it's been much more than 'a few'. I'm feeling somewhat as though the Universe is ganging up on me. 

What is the big deal with marriage? Why does everyone seem to want me to marry? Grr. I know I have a block of some sort... I'm a bit freaked out by the thought of marriage and I kinda mentioned that in this post. I seem to have spent a lot of time in 2011 thinking about what I'd like in a mate and becoming open to the possibility of marriage. In 2012 I started dating the cute guy (perhaps one day I'll do a post just on the cute guy). It is now 2013 and I find myself happily in a relationship that is empowering and supportive and fun and just lots of good stuff. I feel as though if I start thinking random thoughts on marriage that might mess this up. I'm not quite sure why I think that but... there you go. 

I am in a relationship with a guy that I'm perfectly happy with. I'm happy with the cute guy. I'm happy with the relationship as a whole. I'm not quite sure what the next step is here... so I'm thinking I just enjoy the moments. 

I'm not sure how marriage would make things better. I'm sure there are reasons lots of people are advocates of marriage. I wish I knew, in a deep knowing way and not just in an intellectual way, what those reasons were.

*sigh*

peace,

Ren

p.s. Any thoughts? Advice on marriage? Yay or nay? Yay? Nay? 

Sick.

"Everything that happens to you is stored and reflected in your body. Your body knows; your body tells. The relationship of yourself to your body is indivisible, inescapable, unavoidable." ~Gabrielle Roth

I have been recovering from the flu... cold... virus? I'm never quite sure what it is - it started off with a sore throat early last week, turned into body aches, sneezing and a slightly scary temperature and is ending up with tired eyes and an overall feeling of almost-but-not-quite-better.

I took today off from work because my eyes would not allow me to leave home. I've mentioned this before on the blog (I think)... my eyes become super-light-sensitive when I'm ill. So much so that the barest hint of sunlight produces streams of tears. I've been in darkness most of this weekend. It may be because of my eyes that I find darkness to be soothing.

The cute guy seems to be in the beginning stages of whatever illness I'm recovering from. Is this part of being in a relationship? Is there a 50-50 rule? If I have an illness, there's a 50-50 possibility that he may or may not get it from me? Healing vibes to him because I know I've been miserable these past few days.

I've been thinking of my grandparents and my parents. As a little girl, whenever I got sick I'd be sent to my grandparents during the day... my sick days form the majority of the memories I have of my grandparents. Been thinking of my mom and how she handled her illness... and of my dad and how he's been handling mine.

I've been dreaming... it hardly ever happens or I rarely remember when I do. When I'm unwell it happens often. Day time dreams and night time dreams; vivid dreams that melt into wisps of dreams when my eyes open. 

It's time for more dreams for me.

Good night world, I've missed talking to you.

peace,

Ren

My 'plus one'...

"... this strange state of affairs also presents an opportunity: as the economy evolves, it's time to embrace new ideas about romance and family - and to acknowledge the end of 'traditional' marriage as society's highest ideal." ~Kate Bolick

It's that time of year when there are dinners or lunches or some sort of event held to celebrate something (whether it be Christmas or something else that's being celebrated). Our office is having a 'Christmas Luncheon' and as is customary for these events we can bring along a guest. This is great for married people... or for people with significant others. Apparently it's not great for single people? I'm not exactly sure? I'm perfectly happy going to places/events by myself and, if I really wanted to go with someone, then I can call on my brother or any of my cousins (male or female) or even my girl people (that group of girls closest to my heart) - all of whom would be happy to go along with me if only to keep me company... all of whom would keep me entertained.  

Shoeaholic asked who'd be my 'plus one'. I said noone... then I said if I had to bring someone (which I don't) I'd ask my brother. She thought that was sad. I was thoroughly confused. I'm single after all. Am I supposed to hunt up someone to carry? And why?

I read this excellent article recently: 'All the Single Ladies'. It discusses the changing concept of marriage, changing family structures, gender parity, a 'crisis in gender', 'dating gaps', and a lot of theories and ideas about the male-female relationship and how that's changing. It's very thought-provoking... and resonates a lot with what I think about relationships and how they can be.  

I'm lucky I think in that I have strong relationships with both family and friends. I don't see the need at this time to hook up with some random guy... and I haven't really met any guy in recent times that I'd like to hook up with or partner with, or have a long-term relationship with. Maybe it's that I'm not allowing myself to or that I'm just not out and about meeting guys - whatever it is... I think I'm good at the moment. What will be will be. In the meantime I have any of a number of persons to choose from to act as a 'plus one' and if I didn't... I'm comfortable in my own company.

peace,

Ren

Girlfriends...

"Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with." ~ Candace Bushnell

On Monday, after waiting around forever to get my driver's permit, I had lunch and sawine at the house of one of my close girlfriends. Talked about life and career and of course, men. 

On Tuesday, Shoeaholic and I escaped our workplace and had lunch elsewhere. Usually, if we don't have lunch, we buy whatever/wherever and then return to our workplace to have lunch in the lunch-room. Yesterday was not a day for that. It was a day to escape the craziness that is our workplace... a day where we could eat lunch and discuss whatever we wanted to which of course meant men, work and career and life in general... (see a trend here?).

Today, I met up with another close girlfriend after work to have dessert... and talk about men, and how we're growing older... it was mostly about men and relationships... and that perhaps lesbianism is the answer.

My girlfriends.. I love them, apparently I'm well-fed because of them, and I use them to work out stuff happening in my life.. as they do with me. 

I am blessed :)

night,

Ren

About Disney, romance novel men and the search for a mate...

" A soul-mate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise. Our soul-mate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we’re two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we’ve found the right person. Our soul-mate is the one who makes life come to life." ~Richard Bach 

The Royal Wedding has come and gone... Catherine Middleton (am not sure she can be referred to as 'Kate' any more...) has found her prince and they shall now continue their journey together as a married couple. I confess to not getting up at 4 am to watch the wedding... I did look at the news coverage throughout the day though. It was a beautiful wedding - pomp and circumstance and throughout it all the newly-wedded couple did look ... in love - happy to be together... I wish them joy, patience and a lack of paparazzi.

As I mentioned in this post, I find myself thinking that I won't mind getting married. To do this however, I require a man.... unfortunately, there seems to be a shortage in Trinidad and Tobago of males my age that are single, employed and willing to be in a relationship. I guess I need to broaden my scope... persons older? younger? foreigners? *sigh*

Whilst I didn't think much about marriage and love and relationships while growing up... I thought (assumed) that it would be a fairly simple process. This assumption of course was based on Disney movies and on what I read in romance novels. It really did seem like the princess/heroine/female lead was able to find someone that suited her with a minimum of fuss... in fact sometimes there were two someones fighting for her attention. Of course there'd be drama - poverty or evil stepmothers or lack of adventure or parent having to go off to war... inevitably though the female lead would somehow meet the male lead and they would fall in love. The love of her life would know that she was the love of his life. He would listen to her / save her / battle dragons for her / be committed to her. Whilst there might be some struggle in their realisation of love ultimately once that love was found things went smoothly from there. Two became one and they'd work together for a happy ending. 

I guess it's the happy ending concept that's messed me up. I'm not sure I believe in it but there aren't that many Disney movies / romance novels that show real life. Romance novels tend to follow the same Disney trend... sometimes the women leads are amazingly powerful in their own right (they don't need saving thank you very much)... but in all books there's the crisis which is overcome either before or after they fall in love and then either they work to overcome the crisis (and in the process fall in love) or overcome the crisis (and realise how awesome they are so they fall in love). 

Real life is not like that at all. It's very messy... takes forever... and has a lot of drama. I've yet to meet a man that would really listen to me/ battle dragons for me/ be committed to me. In fact, a lot of the men I meet are somewhat shallow or caught up in themselves or just don't know what they want... where are the Disney men? where can I find these persons? Ok... I don't really want a Disney man... I understand that they are too perfect... too unreal... but... where are the men that would listen, respect and cherish me? Is that asking for much?

I wonder if it's that I'm not ready for any sort of committed relationship and that is why I'm not meeting someone... but then those persons I do meet are completely destroying my faith in men. So. What happens when I'm ready? I'm ready for some type of something Universe... really, I am. Yes, I've got baggage... trust issues and the like but .. doesn't everyone? I want someone. A male someone. Not necessarily for marriage (still don't know if I really want that...) but definitely some type of companionship that is more than friendly. One of the birthday blessings I received was the hope that I would receive everything I desire in the perfect way. I really hope that the perfect way doesn't take forever.

peace,

Ren

An After-Valentine's-Day post...

"Love doesn't make the world go round, love is what makes the ride worthwhile." ~Elizabeth Browning

It's the day after Valentine's day. How was yours? Everything you thought it would be? Everything you wanted to avoid? I think a lot of people tend to focus on valentine's as a romantic occasion - a between-me-and-my-lover type of occasion... and in fact, I have found myself focusing on that aspect (or rather the total lack of that aspect).

When I reflect on it today though I wish that aspect wasn't the only one that is [forced] into our consciousness... I had a good day yesterday... I had ole-talk and laughs with my family, cake [and cheesecake - what? it was *Valentine's Day*] with a girlfriend, and ended it all by going to see Black Swan (a most excellent yet somewhat creepy movie) with a couple of my long-time girl-ppl [and one new one]... I got chocolates from a work-colleague... a rose from my girl-ppl... and makeup from my brother's girlfriend [my brother says I should be offended in a 'what exactly are you trying to hint at by giving me makeup Zar?' type of way - doesn't he realise I'm just happy to get gifts? pfft].

It was overall a really good day and so... that's all I'm saying. I didn't know what to write really about V-day... there is a lot of stuff out there already...  and so here's what I've found:

♥ Two great personal Trini blog posts (one by a girlfriend of mine, one by a blogger I've recently started following):

• Ahhhh Valentines again!
• Too Much Of Anything Is Too Much: Relationships

♥ Tips for making peace with Valentine's Day

♥ The Single Girl's Valentine's Day - Ideas (from Cosmpolitan!)

♥ Dr. Eva Selhub's "The Love Response" page - In 2009, I attended her workshop at Kripalu - it was all about using love to heal yourself and others and is, in my opinion, an interesting concept.

Hope you all had a good day and if you didn't then I hope you have a new view on V-day...

much love to u,

Ren