Holding on

"Every great work, every big accomplishment, has been brought into manifestation through holding to the vision, and often just before the achievement, comes apparent failure and discouragement." ~Florence Scovel Shinn

I'm still working on figuring out what I should be doing. What there is for me to offer. What I should share. There are moments of strong belief and moments of doubt and through it all I am grateful for those who stand as my guide and my comfort. 

I'm holding on to bits and pieces of ideas that I'd like to bring to fruition. What are you holding on to?

peace,

Ren    

Yoga in the Park tomorrow.

"May I have the courage to show up fully, to be of service to what wants to emerge." ~Kathia Laszlo  

I'm teaching yoga in Palmiste Park tomorrow morning and so I've been spending this evening/night working out my flow. What breathing exercises should I do? What postures will I teach? What will I say exactly?

There is no exactly. I'm not yet very comfortable teaching but it is getting better. So much easier to do my own flow without having to think about how to word it and the sequence of postures. I've never thought it would be easy and I'm right about that but it is getting easier. I think perhaps all I need is more practice. 

Teaching is in its own way a great reward. There's something very fulfilling about getting thoughts and ideas across. Knowing that in some small way one may be helping people to deal with something going on in their lives. Introducing people to a better way to breathe and start their day. 

I've got yoga in Palmiste Park tomorrow morning. I'm looking forward to it as it is such a beautiful space to breathe and move in. Hopefully those who come to class will find their own joy in the experience. Hopefully I can guide them into a joyous experience. 

peace,

Ren

Bewilderment and exhilaration

"Time has been transformed and we have changed; it has advanced and set us in motion; it has unveiled its face, inspiring us with bewilderment and exhilaration." ~Kahlil Gibran 

The photo I've taken for this week's project 52: 

Project 52: 8/52

It's our first lily of the year and it brings with it much joy with just a hint of sorrow. Joy because I love these flowers... the colour of it and how it blooms around this time of year. Sorrow because last year they bloomed in time and in such profusion for my mom's last month with us. This lily reminds me of how much time has passed, of how much changes I've made in my life, of how easy and yet strange it is to move from one phase to another. 

Last week I started teaching public yoga classes in our new studio space. It is exciting and exhilarating and scary and bewildering. It feels like stretching - my body and mind. I'm not yet quite confident with my teaching style... being in front of a group of people looking to me for direction... but, I will get there and in the meantime these experiences help my own practice. Helps me sink deeper and explore more of what I would like my life to be and what I would like to share. 

Yesterday I taught my first private class and it left both my client and I happy. I find it easier to interact and connect with one person than a group. I'm thinking that I need to hold the feelings that come up with private class in memory when I'm teaching public classes. 

On Friday the cute guy and I celebrate the anniversary of our first date. So much has happened since then and I am grateful for who he is and also for who I am when with him. It is very freeing. 

What is time and how do we measure it? Moment to moment, month to month. We move through our lives, changing with each experience, becoming or not becoming as the case may be. I'm in a good space right now. There are moments of uncertainty, as there will be when starting something new, but when I look at the core of it I find that I'm comfortable in my own skin. I am in a good space.

Wishing you find the same.

peace,

Ren

Svadhyaya ~ Self Study

"Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power." ~Lao Tzu

Who am I? This question keeps coming up. It's one that I have thought about over and over... approached from different angles over the years. As a child I didn't think about it much - I was just aware that there was more; more to me, more to life, more to where we are and when we are. I feel that children are truly more connected to themselves - at least until the everyday world starts pulling them in. 

Perhaps it is just that at this point in my life I really need to give attention to this question? Who am I? A woman who was just going along with the motions until something happened to shake it up? No plan, no rhyme or reason until recently. It feels weird to call myself a woman but, at thirty, 'woman' is more appropriate than 'girl' - even though I still consider myself a girl. 

During my yoga teacher training this question came up. I have it written in my notes, 'the inquiry of yoga begins with the question: who am I?'. We give ourselves permission to inquire into the nature and content of our own experiences. By dedicating ourselves to svadhyaya we reflect; look within and see what inspires us, what moves us and ask the question - who am I? I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one asking this question. 

On my return home I found myself in... limbo? Still didn't have a plan, still trying to figure out what I wanted to be doing. The cute guy was looking for a space for his studio and I was helping... I'm not sure at what point I decided to look for a space for myself as well but somewhere along the way the 'search for a space for him' turned into the 'search for a space we could both use'. In the third week of December I attended a Self-Mastery Intensive Workshop at the Blue Star. It wasn't something I had planned to do but was somewhat tricked by my brother into going. Ergh? Sometimes we need to be tricked into doing things that may be good for us.  The very first line of my notes from that workshop reads: 'I am: a soul having a human experience -> what does that mean for me?' What does that mean for me? I'm still working it out. I feel as though I will forever be working it out.

On the second day of the workshop we talked about recognition of who we are; that the journey never ends and that the moment we find ourselves asking this question - Who am I? - we become the Seeker. What am I seeking? Knowledge, understanding, inner peace? I think I'm currently seeking to know why I'm seeking. Would like to just sit back and let life be but apparently some part of me has shifted and I can't get back to being... complacent?

There are variations to the question. What am I? What is the All that I am? Is there more of me to be experienced? Am I experiencing all that I am? What else am I? What is the More that I am? What exists when the form is taken away?

These are the steps I have written:

Observe (witness without being carried away) -> Be non-judgemental (be open, operate without judgement) -> Be curious (explore each dimension) -> Desire the adventure -> Adventure! (trust in the Universe and know that there is better to come)

I'm trying to keep them in mind.

It's almost the end of January and I find myself preparing a space in which I can teach yoga - asana? meditation? breathing? Yoga. My brother says he is not sure I can teach anyone as he does not think I have been practising enough. What should I be practising more of? I find myself examining even more the Who am I. What do I want to offer people? What is my purpose for establishing this space? 

The word that comes to mind the most is space. Sacred space. Sharing sacred space. A space where people can come for a moment of time and just be. Reconnect. Stretch. Breathe.

I think I'm okay with that.

Who am I? A Seeker... one who does not know how far she has to go but is fine with that.

What am I? In this moment, content... and sleepy.

Good night all.

peace,

Ren

New Year, new beginnings...

"Visualize this thing you want. See it, feel it, believe in it. Make your mental blueprint and begin." ~Robert Collier

Happy New Year! 

It's only a few days into 2014 and it already seems to be a busy year. I have a lot of... projects... that are in various stages of development. Opportunities and new beginnings. Transitions. Interactions. 

There's a lot going on with me; mentally, emotionally, physically. I'm figuring out where I want to be. I'm not yet one hundred percent sure where that is and I'm okay with that. At this time it's all about enjoying the process. Connecting with my inner self and finding guidance where I can.

A few days ago my brother and I found some old books that my mom used as journals. It is strange to be reading them and yes, I'm reading them. I think that it is from her that I have this need to write to express myself. I think that part of blogging, where the world can see, is to avoid the strangeness that is finding hidden books after death - revealing words, thoughts and emotions of times and places past. Many times we would talk about how I would write her biography but we never really started compiling notes or memories. Perhaps part of this lesson is to do what needs to be done in the present because there may never be a future time when it can come into being. It is interesting reading her thoughts of the everyday mundane things and of her own quest for Self. Purpose? Whatever it is that we all search for whether we acknowledge it or not. 

Today I started a project 52 - one photo a week for the rest of the year. I'm fairly sure I can stick to it. My photo is of a tea set for one that I had bought for my mom to match with a bag that my brother had bought for her. Sometimes the best way to start the day is with a cup of tea. Sometimes the best way to start a year is to take a moment for quiet introspection in the midst of busy days.

1/52

Wishing you all that you dream of for 2014!

peace,

Ren

Thoughts on marriage, relationships and the sum of its parts...

"The important thing is not to think much, but to love much; and so, do that which best stirs you to love." ~Saint Teresa of Avila

I think that one of the best things about writing in a journal or on a blog is that there is a record of one's thoughts and feelings at various times in one's life. I've been rereading those posts I've done that mention marriage, relationships and thoughts on being single/not single. There are a fair number of them and I'm somewhat pleased that my thoughts on the subject are consistent with and yet a prelude to the thoughts I'm having now. 

A lot of people have been asking me about marriage and talking about that 'phase in life'. These people range from my very own girl people to the Guru to random people that I do not share my life story with. Too many people have brought up the subject and while I may be able to casually dismiss a few... it's been much more than 'a few'. I'm feeling somewhat as though the Universe is ganging up on me. 

What is the big deal with marriage? Why does everyone seem to want me to marry? Grr. I know I have a block of some sort... I'm a bit freaked out by the thought of marriage and I kinda mentioned that in this post. I seem to have spent a lot of time in 2011 thinking about what I'd like in a mate and becoming open to the possibility of marriage. In 2012 I started dating the cute guy (perhaps one day I'll do a post just on the cute guy). It is now 2013 and I find myself happily in a relationship that is empowering and supportive and fun and just lots of good stuff. I feel as though if I start thinking random thoughts on marriage that might mess this up. I'm not quite sure why I think that but... there you go. 

I am in a relationship with a guy that I'm perfectly happy with. I'm happy with the cute guy. I'm happy with the relationship as a whole. I'm not quite sure what the next step is here... so I'm thinking I just enjoy the moments. 

I'm not sure how marriage would make things better. I'm sure there are reasons lots of people are advocates of marriage. I wish I knew, in a deep knowing way and not just in an intellectual way, what those reasons were.

*sigh*

peace,

Ren

p.s. Any thoughts? Advice on marriage? Yay or nay? Yay? Nay? 

Should be asleep but...

"The great awareness comes slowly, piece by piece. The path of spiritual growth is a path of lifelong learning. The experience of spiritual power is basically a joyful one." ~M. Scott Peck

Sometimes it's hard to shut off your brain. Monkey mind... I have it tonight. Maybe it's a good thing as it's gotten me to come and write on the blog... writing is definitely one of the tools I use to settle. Come into the moment and breathe.

I've been annoyed with work yesterday, today, quite a while now. I feel being at my workplace is harder now that I've decided I want to do something else. I am ready to move on. I need to let go of the negative feelings surrounding my current workplace. How can I move on to something better if I'm carrying this baggage?

I've been missing my mom or rather, I've been missing conversations with my mom. Tomorrow's the Guru's birthday and I know it's something that is exciting for her. I know she'd have things to say about birthdays and life and about what my choices are. There are times when I feel her presence but I'm not quite to the point where I feel that she is always with me as guide and protector. My compass and shield. 

I'm thinking of writing a book... there are sentences and paragraphs and almost-chapters floating through my head. Something related to cancer and my experiences with it. Something that is part self-help, part memoir. Something that has me reading blogs like this one by David Fleming and books like Tuesdays with Morrie: An Old Man, a Young Man, and Life's Greatest Lesson... One day I will make it a reality.   

In the meantime, I should sleep.

Good night world.

peace,

Ren

Processing...

I've been very much in my head yesterday and today; thinking, processing, figuring out where I stand on some things, what I believe in, what I want to do and where I want to go. I'm not sure that I'm getting anywhere but sometimes I realise that for me to be happy with myself, I need to take the time to stop and think about stuff. 

Sometimes I think about past choices -  if I had chosen different subjects in secondary school, what would I be doing now? How would life be different? Is it possible to switch to that path?

Sometimes I think about future choices - what do I make of where I am now? Where can my current skills take me?

Sometimes I think about my relationships - why do I feel so responsible for the brother? Why is it so hard to step away from family and let them make their own choices?

Sometimes I think that I'm thinking too much and when that happens I try to let go, sink into a book or listen to the radio or play with the Cat or Dog. 

This evening I found myself listening to the radio. It's been overcast and rainy, perfect weather for snuggling in bed with a book but, I couldn't settle so I turned on the radio instead. 

Jewel is awesome. Her voice can wrap around you and take you to places you may be unable to reach by yourself. She's helped me process today. 

peace,

Ren

Thoughts on death...

I've been having a lot of them recently. I guess that's to be expected. I've read about it and heard about it and formed my own opinions on the subject. The best that I've read though was written by Kahlil Gibran and, that's all I'd like to post today.

On Death

from joshua bermudez on Vimeo.

On Death ~Kahlil Gibran

You would know the secret of death.

But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?

The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.

If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.

For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.

In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;

And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.

Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.

Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.

Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?

Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?

For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun

And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?

Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.

And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.

And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.

peace,

Ren

Back out to work

Getting out of bed and out to work after a four-day weekend is perhaps one of the most difficult things. At least, it is for me. I suppose it would be different for someone who enjoyed their job or loved it or found some measure of satisfaction in it. I don't have that. I've been wanting to leave my job for... years. YEARS. Instead of doing that though, I've done a lot of complaining and made a lot of "I want a new job!" statements both here on the blog and elsewhere. 

I have reasons for not leaving the current job and they are as follows:

1. It is close to home - 8 minutes drive if there's no traffic, 30 minutes and more if there is. Close enough that if something were to happen at home, with the mother or otherwise, I can get there quickly. 
2. The pay is fairly reasonable - it's one of the few workplaces close to home that can offer such compensation without being in the energy industry, I don't think I'd mind working in that industry but... my dad left it for health reasons and I'd be just as concerned about my own health. 
3. There are times when the work is interesting - I sometimes feel as though my job is an extension of my dad's; he was a technical vocational teacher for over 30 years and I'm part of an agency that is responsible for technical vocational education and training (TVET) in my country. I firmly believe that TVET is just as important as academic education and training. Where would a society be without its craftspeople? 
4. They know my business - and by this, I mean that they know that my mom is not well... I can call in and say I'll be running a bit late on a morning and they sorta know why. I've been using my sick days on days when the mother isn't feeling well... or days when I've been up all night with her and need to get some amount of sleep. 
5. I don't know what I want to do otherwise - and that's the kicker isn't it? I do know I don't like having an 8 - 4 desk job. 

I've been asking myself the questions: 

1. What are my skills? My talents? 
2. What do I have to share with the world?
3. What would I do if I had a million dollars?
4. What would I do if I only had one year to live? 

I'm still stuck on the answers. I like reading and writing. I like travelling and exploring. I like food (though I'm vegetarian so I'll never be quite like Andrew Zimmern or Anthony Bourdain). I know how to take care of myself and others. I [sometimes] like talking to people. I would invest... funds and stocks and property then I'd travel. A year to live? Travel. Write. Take photos. Spend time with old friends, make new friends. 

How do I get all that to work for me? I'm trying to figure it out. In the meantime it's back out to work today.

peace,

Ren

Recommitment...

I haven't been on here in forever (a little over a month). There have been days when I've thought of things that I'd have liked to share, or would have liked to get a perspective on but I just didn't make it to the blog. I can't remember what those things are now... thoughts flow like water, whispers on the wind. I've been thinking that I should do something as my birthday nears... 30 years this year and I'm wondering what I've done with my life thus far and what I want to do with the rest of it.

A recommitment then... to the blog and to being present.

There's a lot going on in my life at the moment though I think perhaps it doesn't seem that way to the world outside. I'm not great with sharing thoughts, feelings and perspectives - at least not in person... at least I don't think I am. Will take this month to sort through what's going on with me and mine.

Tomorrow is 30 days to my 30th birthday. Countdown. I'm not sure what I'll write on - perhaps random thoughts, maybe I'll use some NaBloPoMo prompts, I may write on the 40 days, or I may draw a card (I've many decks to choose from) and blog on that. Whatever I choose to do, I plan on blogging every day till the birthday (and perhaps even till the end of April).

Come along with me?

peace,

Ren

Almost tears and tears.

"I want to cry", said the mother to me earlier today. She was sitting on her bed, all fragile-looking and in no way resembling the very vital woman that is the image I have of her. Cancer, and the toll it can take on one's body, sucks. It is hard seeing her not able to do things that she wants to do... or having conversations and having to wait for her to make the connections that were once so easy for her to make. At times like these I wonder how she has managed to stay with us for so long. She was first diagnosed when I was 13... I'm going to be 30 this year. It's been rough on all of us but, of course, on her most of all. I am unsure if I could do the same. 

I gave her a hug and told her she'd be alright and that if she wanted to cry then she should. She didn't. Just pulled herself together and then we had lunch. 

After lunch I had my own mini-meltdown and burst into tears. Frustration, sadness, tiredness... a bit of vexation due to my dad and brother. There was a time when I wouldn't cry for anything... at all. I'm not sure what changed... it seems that as I get older my emotions run deeper. 

Or something. 

I've realized that it's far easier to cry and release the emotions than it is to let it build and stress me out. 

Do you need to cry today?

peace,

Ren

Sick to my stomach...

Figuratively speaking that is.

I'm feeling a range of emotions: horror, rage, despair but also love, hope and a bit of gratitude. These emotions have been building a while and I've found that I don't quite have the words to describe the mix of feelings. I can however, provide links so that you can read and understand what brought them up.

• Rape has a purpose
• Our own rape culture
• Three India Rape Suspects Will Plead Not Guilty; Their Lawyer Says ‘Respected Ladies’ Don’t Get Raped

It is beyond my comprehension how people could commit such atrocities against other people. I don’t understand how people can support persons that commit rape or sexual violence of any kind. It is heart-breaking in so many ways.

So.

Sending love out to anyone who has been in such a situation… to victims and their friends and families, to people that are trying to change the world for the better.

There is hope in that it’s a topic that is being talked about, that more people are fighting against and reporting on.

There is gratitude in me that I have not had any horrible personal experiences and that my family and the cute guy are persons that I would trust myself with.

What are your thoughts?

Peace,

Ren

2013!

First day of the year!

I met a lot of people...

I'm thinking about moving this blog and building a website of some sort that provides... something. 

I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I think that says a lot about the job I'm currently in. 

I realize I feel guilty about leaving the parents home and doing my own thing... I realize that they encourage the guilty feelings. I'm not sure how to get out of that. 

I think I need to be more firm with the brother. More physical world responsibility needed.

I love the cute guy... there has yet to be a moment that is not in some way fun, or thought-provoking, or peaceful.

Hello 2013.

peace,

Ren

The last day - MMXII

It's a weird day where I feel claustrophobic but don't want to move out of my space... or see people... or get dressed... or whatever. It's actually been a weird month in that respect. Almost back out to work for me... end of the year is also equal to end of vacation. End of vacation is equal to end of lazing around time with family and with the cute guy though I find that I haven't really done much of either... perhaps they find so as well. 

It's been an interesting year... ups and downs - the highest up being the cute guy, the lowest down being the health of my mom. The in-between mix of friendship and career and life purpose. In 2013 I shall be 30... I'm not sure I've accomplished what I want to accomplish by the time I'm 30 but then I've never really known what I want to accomplish. Perhaps I need to figure out that vision instead of waiting for things to fall into place - things will happen as they may, events will unfold as they will... I think I may have inklings of the direction I'd like them to follow. 

What do you wish for in 2013? What do you let go of from 2012? What do you want to remain? What have you learnt? 

It's a period of questioning for me. 

Some things that I've looked at recently that have made me thoughtful, made me laugh and filled me with...wonder:

• The 15 most popular Letters of Note of 2012
• The Best New and Short Webcomics of 2012
• A history of the universe in 127 seconds
• The Best of Open Culture 2012

Enjoy the rest of 2012! All the best for 2013!

peace,

Ren 

Thoughts about (having) children...

"Children are the world's most valuable resource and its best hope for the future." ~John Fitzgerald Kennedy

My coworker gave birth on Monday to a girl - 8 lbs some ounces. A healthy baby girl with long fingers (maybe she'll grow up to be a piano player?)... 

I've been thinking about writing a post on children for the past two weeks... it's just that I haven't quite figured out what I want to say.

My cousin visited with his not-quite-2-year-old son... A very active little boy who kept testing us - could he go here? Climb up there? Touch this? Lots of fun and very cute and he seemed to like me. Young children seem to like me. I've been told it's because I'm closer to their size... :-/

A little girl waved to me as I was leaving a food court last week. I'd met up with the cute guy, as I was without lunch and he was in the area, and there was a family of four sitting at the table next to ours. Little girl liked us... he says they are fascinated by him (maybe because of his size?)... but she waved to me when we were leaving.

I kinda blame him for these thoughts I'm having. The whole wondering about maybe I'd like to have a child... someday. When I was much younger I said I'd never have any (my mother was horrified... and said I shouldn't say that out loud... and I shouldn't call stuff on myself in the event that I did eventually want). As I've gotten older I've become more open to the idea... but I haven't really found anyone that I thought I'd like to have children with. Also, I'm not sure I'm in a financial position to be having children. Then there's the fact that little children scare me a bit... cuz they're so *small* and completely dependent on others... I can barely manage with the Cat!

There've been times though when I look at the cute guy and the thought occurs to me that it might be very awesome to have a child. Ergh. Is this biological? Is the whole ticking-clock thing real?

Ergh. It's way too soon in this relationship to be thinking such things.

*sigh*

There are things I'd like to share with/teach/show a child though... and I think it would be a wondrous thing to be able to see a person develop from birth to whenever and to know that I have a hand in their development. I think I've learnt a lot from my parents but I've also had a lot of outside learning as well... I value their discussions and time spent with them shapes who I am. I think I'd like to have that same impact.

There's also the practical bit... my dad has said (in a manner which I can't tell is joking or not) that the reason he has had children is so he'll be taken care of in his old age. I've been annoyed by that statement before but now that I am getting older and I've had to do some of that taking care (though more with mom than with dad) I have found myself wondering - who will be around to take care of me when I'm older?  

Do other people go through all this thinking? Ergh.

Children. I think I'd be happy to have them (I seem to be thinking in the plural... ergh?!).

peace,
Ren

My life, as it were...

"How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and strong because someday in your life you will have been all of these." ~George Washington Carver

I think my life is interesting... or perhaps it is that life is interesting and people don't take the time to appreciate it? There's always something happening... something to learn or see or do. Every moment brings a lesson if we're in tune enough to realise it... I know I'm not always tuned in... I don't always pay attention. Ah well.

I've been thinking about my parents and about growing older. My mom's birthday was last Sunday. I think she's been through a lot in her life... I am older now than she was when she got married and also when she had me. I'm wondering what lies ahead. New experiences and new relationships... Hmm. I think that people my age don't have enough awareness about what their parents have been and continue to go through. I may be wrong. I've spent this past week thinking about the fact that my parents were my age once... I've been hearing stories about what life once was and about stuff that they have done. I've been thinking about how they are now... and realising that there are things I'd like to have in place for them and for myself as we get older.

I've been thinking a lot. I'm much more of a 'thinker' than a 'doer'.

I've been grumpy with my country... or rather the people in my country that are supposed to be doing stuff/organising stuff/making the country [world] a better place. Should I really feel this way given that I don't know how I'd change any of it? Hmm.

I went to Mango Festival 2012 - it's the 4th one that's been held apparently. It was interesting, filled with mangoes and mango products. I could see that some persons were very earnest about getting information out about growing mangoes and sustainability and the benefits that may be obtained by investing in our agri sector. Overall a very good event to have. I wasn't quite satisfied with the execution of the event... Could have been more polished... could have taken much more advantage of the opportunities present. Did come away with photos of mangoes though...

I'd written much more to this post but ... I posted and it didn't show the rest... I guess it should be ended here.


peace,
Ren

Thoughts on a Tuesday...

"Learning is movement from moment to moment." ~Krishnamurti

It's raining outside and I'm finding it very hard to focus on work today. Disruption of schedule, moods caused by the weather, lack of interest in work - it's all adding up to a somewhat unproductive workday.

Had to carry my car to the car-electrician-person today... it is overcharging (?)... reading of 15.2 instead of 13.8... my dad said it was the alternator. I had a mini-lesson in alternators (bearings, brushes, resistor, regulator)... I've found that my dad and I can bond over technical stuff - because though I'm not particularly interested in such stuff, he is... and I can listen if it is something I should know of or really just because he wants to talk about it. I think sometimes that it must be difficult for my dad living with us just because he has a different way of... being... operating? seeing the world. How we are with people and how we are with family can be completely different. Sometimes I think that we don't take as much care as we should with the people that are closest to us.

I've learnt today that my dad tells other people that he's proud of us. I'm proud of him too. I guess it's not that easy to say to each other.

Car-electrician-guy says that the regulator in the alternator is going bad. Too many car part words end in -or. I'm hoping that it's not going to be too expensive to replace.

Got to work just before 11 and perhaps it is that disruption to my regular workday (start at 8) that has me unfocused. It doesn't feel like a day for working.

I'm reading fanfiction. Have I mentioned before that I can get sucked into fanfiction? Stories upon stories and there are some really great writers out there. Found myself reading 'The Paladin Protocol' and thinking of 'Unforgiven' today.

I'm in a mood of sorts. Slightly headachy. Wishing that I had the skill to swirl the thoughts in my head into some sort of physical form. Sometimes words cannot capture it all.

Happy Tuesday world.

peace.

Ren

Can you change who you are?

"You can’t be suspicious of a tree, or accuse a bird or a squirrel of subversion or challenge the ideology of a violet." ~Hal Borland 

It's December. Where did the year go? I'm busy with multiple projects in work (just call me Super Woman) and with Christmas (shopping, friends, family!). I love this time of year though - December is my second favourite month of the year. It just seems that everyone is more happy. Or it could be that I'm more happy around December what with all the music and the food and the shopping and the liming. December is awesome. 

What's not-so-awesome? Family squabbles. I guess they happen in every family/household when things need doing and aren't getting done (or aren't being done properly). People respond differently to emotional drama. Emotions can hijack us and leave us a weepy mess... or they can cause us to withdraw into our very best impression of a stone statue. Emotions are tricky things and we all deal with them differently. This is something I must remember. It's not just my way or the highway. 

Can you change who you are?

There are things about ourselves that we can change. On Friday I went rock wall climbing. It was scary (I'm afraid of heights - there's a reason I'm short and that is because I'm supposed to be close to the ground)... and yet it was also exhilarating. Scary because well... whoa - I was up very high. Exhilarating because my fear is not the boss of me, I am the boss of my fear. This is something I've been telling myself often - it seems to be working because a few years back there was no way anyone was going to get me up that wall. 

There are things about ourselves that we cannot change. We cannot change how something may affect us - there will always be situations that will tug at our heartstrings or punch us in the gut or overwhelm us with some emotion or other. What we can change is how we react, how we respond and I think part of that is realising how others may react/respond.

My parents (in my mind at least) have always been opposites - heart-oriented vs head-oriented... the emotional vs the logical. As I've gotten older I've seen them become more balanced but still stay true to their .. orientation. It's something I can't change in them and something I'm working on in myself. Finding the balance. I don't want to be more of one than the other but there lies the question... can I change who I am? If one is inherently more of one than the other ... will it always be so?

I'm thoughtful tonight... If you have thoughts or ideas feel free to share...

peace,

Ren

Low energy...

"Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not. For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes." ~Yoda 

Just been feeling a bit low energy this weekend. Tired. Not feeling the force at all. Think it may be a result of a rough work week and a somewhat emotional family week. Am thinking about work and career and money. Am thinking about growing older and my family growing older. Am thinking about the state of the world. Am thinking that I think too much. 

Going to bed now.

peace,

Ren