Svadhyaya ~ Self Study

"Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power." ~Lao Tzu

Who am I? This question keeps coming up. It's one that I have thought about over and over... approached from different angles over the years. As a child I didn't think about it much - I was just aware that there was more; more to me, more to life, more to where we are and when we are. I feel that children are truly more connected to themselves - at least until the everyday world starts pulling them in. 

Perhaps it is just that at this point in my life I really need to give attention to this question? Who am I? A woman who was just going along with the motions until something happened to shake it up? No plan, no rhyme or reason until recently. It feels weird to call myself a woman but, at thirty, 'woman' is more appropriate than 'girl' - even though I still consider myself a girl. 

During my yoga teacher training this question came up. I have it written in my notes, 'the inquiry of yoga begins with the question: who am I?'. We give ourselves permission to inquire into the nature and content of our own experiences. By dedicating ourselves to svadhyaya we reflect; look within and see what inspires us, what moves us and ask the question - who am I? I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one asking this question. 

On my return home I found myself in... limbo? Still didn't have a plan, still trying to figure out what I wanted to be doing. The cute guy was looking for a space for his studio and I was helping... I'm not sure at what point I decided to look for a space for myself as well but somewhere along the way the 'search for a space for him' turned into the 'search for a space we could both use'. In the third week of December I attended a Self-Mastery Intensive Workshop at the Blue Star. It wasn't something I had planned to do but was somewhat tricked by my brother into going. Ergh? Sometimes we need to be tricked into doing things that may be good for us.  The very first line of my notes from that workshop reads: 'I am: a soul having a human experience -> what does that mean for me?' What does that mean for me? I'm still working it out. I feel as though I will forever be working it out.

On the second day of the workshop we talked about recognition of who we are; that the journey never ends and that the moment we find ourselves asking this question - Who am I? - we become the Seeker. What am I seeking? Knowledge, understanding, inner peace? I think I'm currently seeking to know why I'm seeking. Would like to just sit back and let life be but apparently some part of me has shifted and I can't get back to being... complacent?

There are variations to the question. What am I? What is the All that I am? Is there more of me to be experienced? Am I experiencing all that I am? What else am I? What is the More that I am? What exists when the form is taken away?

These are the steps I have written:

Observe (witness without being carried away) -> Be non-judgemental (be open, operate without judgement) -> Be curious (explore each dimension) -> Desire the adventure -> Adventure! (trust in the Universe and know that there is better to come)

I'm trying to keep them in mind.

It's almost the end of January and I find myself preparing a space in which I can teach yoga - asana? meditation? breathing? Yoga. My brother says he is not sure I can teach anyone as he does not think I have been practising enough. What should I be practising more of? I find myself examining even more the Who am I. What do I want to offer people? What is my purpose for establishing this space? 

The word that comes to mind the most is space. Sacred space. Sharing sacred space. A space where people can come for a moment of time and just be. Reconnect. Stretch. Breathe.

I think I'm okay with that.

Who am I? A Seeker... one who does not know how far she has to go but is fine with that.

What am I? In this moment, content... and sleepy.

Good night all.

peace,

Ren

30th Birthday. (warning: long post...)

It's my birthday today... and Google knows: 

That's just a little bit of awesome right there. 

Did not have to reschedule plans due to rain last night. Yay? Yay! Was taken out by the Cupcake Wench to try a new experience (is always good to have friends who can bake/cook...too bad this experience wasn't about baking/cooking). It was... interesting. Fun... but also traumatising. That's all I can say about it publicly. Yay to new experiences though - am making it a policy to at least try stuff before deciding whether I like it or not. Went out to dinner with Cupcake Wench, her hubby, Carib Boy (who makes awesome mosaic stuff) and the cute guy. Managed to reach home before midnight - I have this issue where I want to be at home when it becomes birthday. 

Cute guy was here to wish me Happy Birthday... he is awesome.

I sent him home because I wanted to go to bed so that I'd get up early and perhaps make it to Guru Gita at the Ashram. For years I'd been going with my mom for my birthday... but then last year, I'm not sure how, both of us overslept. This year... I realise that it's not easy getting up to leave home at 5 a.m. if I go to bed after midnight. Is part of getting older? Need more rest? Woke up at 4 a.m., thought about it... convinced self that I could stay in bed a bit longer... it started to rain. I don't know who can leave their bed at that hour when it's raining. If you can do that - you are awesome. I decided to give thanks for Livestream - put it on to look at... and fell asleep. Ah well. 

I dreamt my mom. I wish I could tell you what I dreamt exactly but the times that I can do that are few and far between. I've mentioned before that I hardly ever remember dreams. I woke up happy though - light-hearted... determined that it would be a good day. 

The Cat was clingy and wanted to sleep on me. I had to get up though... my dad and brother were talking about breakfast. Buffet breakfast discussions ended up with us going to Woodford Café... where my brother and I ate a lot and my dad took photos of us eating a lot. 

The cute guy took me out for dim sum. It's a bit tough being a vegetarian - there are usually only so many options available wherever one goes to dine. We'd been talking about dim sum for some time but... it's usually very meaty - which is fine for the cute guy, not so fine for me. Luckily, I saw this post by TriniChow. Delightful dim sum at Tiki Village? Yes, please... and yes, it was. The Tiki Village people gave me a slice of chocolate cake because it's my birthday... I like that restaurants give free desserts if there's a birthday. 

We went to the Trinidad and Tobago Garden Club's Flower Festival. I have photos... will try to post them some time. I'd been anxious about how the rainy weather might affect the festival but it went on as planned. Apart from being fond of flowers, it was a bit of remembrance - if my mom were here she'd have gone with me. We've been to flower shows by the Orchid Society and the Horticultural Society. We've been to gardens in New Jersey and Massachusetts. We've bonded over pretty flowers... and the knowledge that plants are safer in other people's hands than our own. I am... extraordinarily pleased... that the cute guy carried me and showed interest and took photos with me. 

I had a really good day. Perhaps some may not have found it interesting but, I had fun, spent time with people that I love and did stuff that I love. What more could one ask for in a birthday?

I've a lot of birthday messages to respond to - will get to them in time.

Thanks to all for the love, the positive vibes, the birthday wishes. 

Love,

Ren

A bit of self-care

A very close friend of my family has arranged for us to get some wellness treatments today at the Blue Star's Healing and Wellness Centre. Massages for my dad and myself, a reflexology treatment for my brother. It is needed. We are grateful... and will probably be more so by the end of the day.

I mentioned previously that I need to remember that I must take care of myself. I think this period of time is showing me just how much attention I need to pay. I feel tired. I've been saying that awhile. My brother has said that I have more stamina than he does since I've been able to miss sleep a lot of nights while taking care of the mother and then going to work and functioning in a fairly normal fashion. That's all catching up to me though. 

My body is definitely feeling... run down. This is not how I want to be feeling as I approach my birthday. I'd much prefer to be lively. Must devise a plan that allows me to give attention to my spiritual, mental and physical health. It's all related. 

Starting today with a massage and maybe a bit of meditation. 

How do you take care? I could use some advice even if it turns out to be reminders of stuff that I've heard/learnt before. 

peace,

Ren 

My brother is blogging...

"The word 'enlightenment' conjures up the idea of some superhuman accomplishment, and the ego likes to keep it that way, but it is simply your natural state of felt oneness with Being." ~Eckhart Tolle

It's my blog's birthday today... two years... wow. I haven't been writing much - been hiding from my computer when I'm not at work. Today is a day for writing though... if only because it's my blog's birthday!

This was the first post... and this, the one-year post. I find it interesting to read about what I've been doing and what space I was in at those points. I know that I've grown, changed, matured. I feel differently. My thoughts and emotions are more... settled? I guess I'm entering into a new stage of being... Age + experience + who knows what else.

My brother has started his own blog... you can find it here. It's... far more serious than anything I write as it's based on his perspectives and analysis of the Blue Star's forty day observances. I think he's more serious about transformation and enlightenment and such than I am. I'm content to move through my days experiencing what there is to experience.

I think that two years after the start of this blog I'm almost where I want to be with regards to living in the moment. Being present. Appreciating and celebrating the little things. There are moments of frazzled craziness... and sadness... and gloom... but... even within these moments I think in my core that I am centred.

Something that needs to be remembered. I'm feeling very awesome these days...

Happy Monday all!

peace,

Ren

A pill a day...

"To keep the body in good health is a duty – otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear." ~Buddha

I have a headache - I've had it since Sunday so today is Day 5 of me-with-a-headache. Constant  pounding pain in my head though today it's down to a dull roar. I fear it still makes me think that I'm dying. I don't do well with headaches... I'd rather any other body part ache but really? my head? OW. ow. ow. ow. I'm also somewhat nauseous... and I admit that the world tilts sometimes when I stand up. By Tuesday (day 3 of me-with-a-headache) I started wondering if something was seriously wrong with me. Pain-nauseau-dizziness sorta indicates non-healthiness.

By yesterday though (day 4!) I figured out what it was. In fact I had an epiphany... what was wrong with me? I came off the pill. Ta da! I'm having withdrawal symptoms I guess. I must say they suck extremely... and it's kinda unfair that it was easy to go on (no side-effects [that I'm aware of] apart from clearer skin - which admittedly is a great side-effect) and now that I've decided to give my body a break and let it get back to regulating itself I'm having issues. Aargh.

I was put on the pill by my doctor... and I'm going to lay the blame for this bit of drama squarely at the feet of this MBA (I'm still not convinced it's worth it). Apparently I was so stressed (and you can probably read about that stress in earlier posts) that my hormones and therefore my cycle went out of whack. What was needed? Pills. Or just one pill a day really. I started in October and now that it's the beginning of April I thought I'd stop... or take a break... or something so. Because the truth of it is that I hate pills / tablets  / syrups / medication. I'm near completion with the MBA... I'm not having sex... it's my birth month... all good reasons in my mind for coming off the birth control pill - cuz that's what this pill is. Yes, there are benefits to the pill... I'm just not sure that the side-effects (listed [by the pill's maker] and non-listed [has there been enough study on the effects of the pill? each woman has a different reaction from what I've heard]) are worth the benefits. Especially not now that my head feels as though it's splitting open. Am going to try to figure out how to manage my hormones, my body, myself without the aid of pills.. patches.. shots.. any other thing that the medical community may come up with. It's not that I don't think medications and the like aren't useful (lord knows right now I can use some painkillers)... just that in this case - this area of taking care of my own health - I'd like to go as natural as possible.

It's World Health Day today - this year's theme focuses on 'Combat Drug Resistance…..No Action Today, No Cure Tomorrow’. So much is happening in the world ... I think that if we focus first on our health then we can focus on the health of our families and communities. I need to remind myself of this at times. This year's theme for the Blue Star's Forty Days is 'Secrets to True Well-Being - Tap into the Transforming Power of Consciousness'. It's something I'm following and speaks to the development of ourselves through development of our consciousness - our spiritual self - of healing from within. Thinking a lot about my health today.  

peace,

Ren

It's my blog's birthday!

"As one gets older one sees many more paths that could be taken. Artists sense within their own work that kind of swelling of possibilities, which may seem a freedom or a confusion." ~Jasper Johns 

Happy birthday to my blog! Am somewhat amazed... somewhat thrilled that I've made a year - yes there have been periods of inactivity but I believe it's been balanced out... my blog is a year old today. 

I'm not sure what I've learned. Am I more patient? Kind? Knowledgeable? Skilled in some special way? More sane? Less muddled? I'd say yes.. and no.. to all those questions... I'm still in the process of growing into myself. Still trying to figure out my place in the world (anyone with hints/suggestions/ideas - please leave a comment or contact me forthwith). 

It's almost my birthday (be warned - if you read this blog regularly this line will be showing up often). It's also the beginning (the first day) of a forty day period observed by an organisation I belong too (actually I'm not sure whether or not 'belong' is the right word ... but... I do have karma with the Blue Star). I've always thought it interesting that this period ends on May 5th - the day the doctor said I'd be born... If you would like to follow it or just see what it's about you can check out the two links above or Chanmadhavi's blog. The theme for this year's period is 'Secrets to True Well-Being - Tap into the Transforming Power of Consciousness' - sounds interesting yes? I'm gonna try to follow some sort of discipline (or at least read/listen to the messages).

It's been a crazy week - am looking forward to a transformational month and another year of blogging.

night all...

peace,

Ren

Birthday Bliss :)

"Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting; The soul that rises with us, our life's star, Hath had elsewhere its setting, And cometh from afar; Not in entire forgetfulness, And not in utter nakedness, But trailing clouds of glory do we come from God, who is our home." ~William Wordsworth

A warning: this is going to be a long post... Just cuz... birthday = much stuff to talk about...

What do you do on your birthday? I've always wondered how people feel about their special day... Is it special? Scary? Do you look forward to it? Wish it would never come around? I've wondered...

I look forward to mine. I don't know why really just that there's a general sense of excitement... an energy rising. Perhaps my body, my soul remembers those moments of preparing for birth? From the beginning of April I start to feel... prickly... it's a different sensory experience. April has always been my favourite month - ultimately things go right for me in April... even if it's rainy (April showers bring May flowers :P) or if it's school-filled... or work-stressed... April is the best month for me. And as I've said... I look forward to my birthday so it's a month filled with that bit of excitement - my birthday's coming up!

This year I took two days off from work. Who wants to go to work on their birthday? Not I. Not at all. It's a little bit of deliciousness in itself - not having to go to work.. lol. And so.. on with this posting: what I did for my birthday... and d day after as well. I think next year I'll extend it to a week.. lol.

I got up at 4.00 am. Approximately. What's that you say? Why did I get up so early especially as I had the whole day to myself? Early morning blessings - that's why. Enough to last the day - enough to last the year... some positive vibes for my birthday. My mom and I went to the Blue Star. It's an ashram that we belong to. They're almost to the end of a forty day period of observance... My birthday is Day 34 ... we went to do (listen/sing) the Guru Gita and to listen to the talk... and to generally get birthday blessings... Did I get Happy Birthday sung to me before 8 am.. yup. Did I meet someone who was also celebrating her birthday? Yup... Happy Birthday to Petra (?) I should've found out more about you but...

I was starving. I'm not one of those people that can skip breakfast. According to my mom... as soon as mih eye open I must get food. This is not true but also not too far off. I *must* have breakfast... food... sustenance. Otherwise I'll be generally grumpy and headachy and not happy. So... off we went for breakfast. Yay!

I like spending time with my family. We're all interesting people and though we drive each other crazy at times... and quarrel at times... and can be generally cranky with each other at times... overall we're good. Spending time with my parents on my birthday might sound weird to you... to me it's... comforting on a certain level.

Spending time with my mom - I get to hear the same stories... every year... lol... we laugh about it and talk about it and generally hang out. Did you know for instance that my birth date was supposed to be a week later on May 5th? You didn't... but I'm telling you now. Why was I born a week early? My aunt took my mom for a haircut... in her Suzuki Jimny... the roads in T&T are not the smoothest now and am quite sure they weren't then either. The very next day I was born... hmm. I love you mom - at least you had great hair in d hospital.

When we got home my dad and I had a falling out... vexness all d way. We have some serious karma to work out. It seems to me that every year around my birthday my dad gets all gloomy and grumpy. It's a cycle that hopefully this year has been broken. Fingers crossed... don't want any negative birthday drama next year. My mom says it's cuz we're so similar. I don't know what it is... sometimes you're so into a situation that you can't see what others can. Anyway... this year I think was better... drama didn't last long and in fact we ended up trying to fix d microwave together. Yes, I know we shouldn't even be using a microwave - but we have one and it's a timesaver when it's working.. A fuse blew (if you're wondering what was wrong with it)... and my dad being d skilled electrical-type guy he is has of course replacement fuses ready to be installed... Then we realised... the button to close the door was broken. Can't use microwave if door can't open/close... It's a sign from the Universe it is.

My mom and I went shopping... No mention shall be made of all the horrible traffic... or the heat in the car (mih a/c not working properly)... We bought dresses ... and they're pretty fabulous ones too :)  No pics of those here... look for them in May as they're going to be worn at my brother's graduation (my brother's *graduating*!).

The three of us went out to dinner... Missed you brother mine - good thing you call mih - when I getting mih present? *Ahem* we went out for dinner... my dad chose the place... that should have been a warning. A warning? Yes. My dad doesn't like eating out generally... Though he will if we want to go out to restaurants and such... We have found out however that he likes Indian food... as in real Indian food not the Trini version of Indian food... I don't... not really... can barely manage. He carried us to Palki's - an authentic Indian restaurant. *sigh* Sometimes I wonder if my dad just doesn't pay attention. Long story short... his plate was clean in under 10 minutes... I was wishing we'd ordered some naan to hide all my food under. The upside? He'd told them it was my birthday... after our dishes were cleared away and whilst I was talking to my bro on mih phone... Happy Birthday starts to play on the soundsystem... Loudly. I got a slice of chocolate cake layered with chocolate something... with a sparkler and a candle... Excitement + Cake + Sparkler shooting sparks higher than me! I stuffed myself with cake... who needs dinner anyway?

That night I answered FB birthday greetings... so many... I love you all... it's great to be remembered and thought of and sent good wishes and I went to bed .. earlyish... It was a foreign feeling... Early nights aren't that common when you're working/studying.

Day two of my birthday celebrating... hmm. It was a learning day. What did I learn? Stuff to feed my soul... and make me feel goddess-like... cuz ... well why not?

My mom and I had a private dance class at home... with Sabita from Symbolic Dance Academy of T&T... what type of dance? Belly dance... lol ... Fun? Yes. Fabulous? Yes. Goddess-Inspiring? Definitely... There is something to be said about snake arms and shimmies. Sabita was a pretty great teacher too in that way that persons who love what they're doing and know what they're doing can be. Perhaps I'll be doing more belly dancing in the future.

What did I learn next? That I'm an adult and can successfully deal with tyre rim repair people. Who knew cars were so much trouble? (my dad tells me I does hardly get trouble - ha! i say)... Anyway... it's strange going to car places... getting to be more normal but still for the while strange... The thought I keep in my head? "Fake it till you make it" - Of course I know what's wrong with my tyre rim AND I know what you have to do with it tyre rim repairman! *sigh* 

The last thing I learnt for the day... how to do my own makeup. I'm a girl... I wear makeup sometimes... I go through phases where I like and don't like lipstick/lipgloss/eyeshadow/eyeliner/mascara/foundation/powder... But... I'm 27 now... I should at least know how the professionals (makeup artistes... just so we're clear) do it. And so I signed up for a class at Sacha's Image Centre in Chaguanas.  Oy. If I had to do that whole process every day I'd go nutters. At least now I know which brush does what... and that cream-to-powder is the best type of foundation stuff for my skin. It was ... a learning experience and at the end I looked made up... lol. And so to end this post cuz I think it's going on a bit... here are pics...well.. more pics really... i think this is the post with the most pics to date...

Once upon a time...

Present day: 

I should've maybe done something with my hair before taking pics... oh well... 

Here I am at 27. Feels strange... I look almost the same as I did 5 years ago? 10 years? Physically I haven't changed significantly... It is the experiences... the day-to-day happenings, thoughts, feelings, ideas that have changed. A dear friend has told me that my writings remind her of this quote from Rilke: 

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions”

It resonates. Sun in Taurus and Moon in Scorpio. Am a spiritual being having a human experience. Another year has passed.  

peace,

Rtr

Manipura - Fire, Ego identity, oriented to self-definition...

"The point of power is always in the present moment." ~ Louise Hay

I really must remember that at the very heart of it - I'm a powerful being. Don't worry reader... You are too... You just may not know it yet. 

In my second post on this blog I said that I was tired... and needed to manifest vitality. On Easter Monday I went to a Youth workshop at the Blue Star - topic of the workshop: Working with the Manipura Chakra. Hmm. 

For those who aren't much in the know about the Chakra System - the chakras are energy centres linking the physical and subtle bodies... more info can be found here: Sacred Centers - The Chakra Portal ... There are seven major ones and the third is the Manipura Chakra which is known as the power chakra and is located at the solar plexus. It relates to a person's vitality, effectiveness, spontaneity and overall power.  

Ask and you shall receive... it's a principle I must remember. Shall be working with this chakra for some time... Increased vitality shall be mine!

peace,

Rtr