Svadhyaya ~ Self Study

"Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power." ~Lao Tzu

Who am I? This question keeps coming up. It's one that I have thought about over and over... approached from different angles over the years. As a child I didn't think about it much - I was just aware that there was more; more to me, more to life, more to where we are and when we are. I feel that children are truly more connected to themselves - at least until the everyday world starts pulling them in. 

Perhaps it is just that at this point in my life I really need to give attention to this question? Who am I? A woman who was just going along with the motions until something happened to shake it up? No plan, no rhyme or reason until recently. It feels weird to call myself a woman but, at thirty, 'woman' is more appropriate than 'girl' - even though I still consider myself a girl. 

During my yoga teacher training this question came up. I have it written in my notes, 'the inquiry of yoga begins with the question: who am I?'. We give ourselves permission to inquire into the nature and content of our own experiences. By dedicating ourselves to svadhyaya we reflect; look within and see what inspires us, what moves us and ask the question - who am I? I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one asking this question. 

On my return home I found myself in... limbo? Still didn't have a plan, still trying to figure out what I wanted to be doing. The cute guy was looking for a space for his studio and I was helping... I'm not sure at what point I decided to look for a space for myself as well but somewhere along the way the 'search for a space for him' turned into the 'search for a space we could both use'. In the third week of December I attended a Self-Mastery Intensive Workshop at the Blue Star. It wasn't something I had planned to do but was somewhat tricked by my brother into going. Ergh? Sometimes we need to be tricked into doing things that may be good for us.  The very first line of my notes from that workshop reads: 'I am: a soul having a human experience -> what does that mean for me?' What does that mean for me? I'm still working it out. I feel as though I will forever be working it out.

On the second day of the workshop we talked about recognition of who we are; that the journey never ends and that the moment we find ourselves asking this question - Who am I? - we become the Seeker. What am I seeking? Knowledge, understanding, inner peace? I think I'm currently seeking to know why I'm seeking. Would like to just sit back and let life be but apparently some part of me has shifted and I can't get back to being... complacent?

There are variations to the question. What am I? What is the All that I am? Is there more of me to be experienced? Am I experiencing all that I am? What else am I? What is the More that I am? What exists when the form is taken away?

These are the steps I have written:

Observe (witness without being carried away) -> Be non-judgemental (be open, operate without judgement) -> Be curious (explore each dimension) -> Desire the adventure -> Adventure! (trust in the Universe and know that there is better to come)

I'm trying to keep them in mind.

It's almost the end of January and I find myself preparing a space in which I can teach yoga - asana? meditation? breathing? Yoga. My brother says he is not sure I can teach anyone as he does not think I have been practising enough. What should I be practising more of? I find myself examining even more the Who am I. What do I want to offer people? What is my purpose for establishing this space? 

The word that comes to mind the most is space. Sacred space. Sharing sacred space. A space where people can come for a moment of time and just be. Reconnect. Stretch. Breathe.

I think I'm okay with that.

Who am I? A Seeker... one who does not know how far she has to go but is fine with that.

What am I? In this moment, content... and sleepy.

Good night all.

peace,

Ren

Looking.

"Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle." ~Steve Jobs

Tomorrow the cute guy and I are going to be signing a rental agreement - we've been looking for a space in which he can have his photography studio and, I'm not quite sure how I got involved but, I'll also be using the space as a yoga studio. We're sharing. It starts tomorrow. It's exciting and scary and... awesome. 

On Friday I had dinner with two women who I worked with at my old job - one moved on to other adventures some time back and one is still there. The conversation was interesting - catching up on where we were and what we're doing. How have we gotten to where we are now? It's something I've been thinking about a lot. When I was 13 we had to choose subjects - I ended up in the Business stream only because of the fact that I wanted to do Information Technology as one of my subjects; it was only offered in the Business stream or the Sciences stream and I definitely was not interested in pursuing strictly Science subjects. One decision that led to a BA in Business Administration, a job in an office and then an MBA because... progression? It served its purpose - I needed a job and I had one and now I'm moving on to find out what I really would love to do. My dad is unhappy because he thinks I'm going about it the wrong way - that I should have stayed at my old job or find a new job (which provides steady income) and pursue this - whatever this is right now - in my spare time. 

Pfft. I need to do this my way. Need to figure out, to find, to look for what will satisfy me.

Is it teaching yoga? I'm not sure - but I'm open to the possibility that it might be or, that this will eventually lead me to somewhere I want to be. Is it writing? Perhaps - this is something that's always in my mind and so I'm sure the time will come when I pursue it further. Is it taking one day at a time and enjoying each experience? Yes. 

What will be, will be. I'm looking forward to it.

peace,

Ren

New Year, new beginnings...

"Visualize this thing you want. See it, feel it, believe in it. Make your mental blueprint and begin." ~Robert Collier

Happy New Year! 

It's only a few days into 2014 and it already seems to be a busy year. I have a lot of... projects... that are in various stages of development. Opportunities and new beginnings. Transitions. Interactions. 

There's a lot going on with me; mentally, emotionally, physically. I'm figuring out where I want to be. I'm not yet one hundred percent sure where that is and I'm okay with that. At this time it's all about enjoying the process. Connecting with my inner self and finding guidance where I can.

A few days ago my brother and I found some old books that my mom used as journals. It is strange to be reading them and yes, I'm reading them. I think that it is from her that I have this need to write to express myself. I think that part of blogging, where the world can see, is to avoid the strangeness that is finding hidden books after death - revealing words, thoughts and emotions of times and places past. Many times we would talk about how I would write her biography but we never really started compiling notes or memories. Perhaps part of this lesson is to do what needs to be done in the present because there may never be a future time when it can come into being. It is interesting reading her thoughts of the everyday mundane things and of her own quest for Self. Purpose? Whatever it is that we all search for whether we acknowledge it or not. 

Today I started a project 52 - one photo a week for the rest of the year. I'm fairly sure I can stick to it. My photo is of a tea set for one that I had bought for my mom to match with a bag that my brother had bought for her. Sometimes the best way to start the day is with a cup of tea. Sometimes the best way to start a year is to take a moment for quiet introspection in the midst of busy days.

1/52

Wishing you all that you dream of for 2014!

peace,

Ren

All of the negative...

This week I've been: 

- Tired. My mom really wasn't feeling so well last Sunday and so I was up most of the night with her. Awake so much so that I took the day off on Monday because I *really needed sleep*. It's been a rough week for her health-wise... and so, it's also been a rough week for us. I think illness of any kind affects not just the person who has it but the family unit or whoever is in their immediate circle. 

-Sad. There have been times over the past seventeen years or so when I thought that maybe, perhaps, it might have been my mom's time to pass. There have been scary moments and sad moments and the like but I think that this time is the first time that I truly feel her time might be near. I don't know that I'm ready to face the death of a parent. 

My other parent is officially, as of yesterday, retired. This is a good thing I'm sure... but it's also a reminder of how time is passing and a part of me wishes it would just freeze.

-Irritable. Perhaps because of lack of sleep this week. I haven't been nearly as patient with people as I can be. Small things have been bugging me at home and at work and with ... just about everybody. There are crazy drivers, for example. I'm usually fairly tolerant but this week I've been irritated enough to want to come on the blog and list in detail all the stupid things that goes on the roads of Trinidad. Obviously I haven't... I complained about them to my work people instead.

The workplace has been annoying me - I'm not sure how some people got to be where they are when they can't do what they're supposed to do. Actually, I do know... nepotism screws things up. All positions should be earned by merit... or people should at least show competency of some kind before being selected to a post. My entire country is being mismanaged at all levels and truly one of the main reasons is nepotism by past and present governments. 

I think the family thinks that I'm always grumpy at them - the thing is that to get things done around my home (that I can't do for myself) people need to be continuously reminded... or something? It annoys me that people won't do stuff if they see/know that it needs to be done. I also know that I'm a bit of a procrastinator so can I really be mad at my people for that?

-Feeling like a nag. Everything is all related... This week I feel as though I've been nagging the family people, the cute guy, the work people. Ugh. I don't like it. I don't like having to constantly mention the same thing over and over... and yet if I don't I feel as though a) nothing will get done, b) there will be missed opportunities and c) the world will come to an end. I know the world is not ending... but really? Oy. People need to do what they should be doing. 

-Crazy, insanely jealous. I still kinda continue to be. Ergh. This is something I need to talk about with the girl people but since my Whatsapp no longer works it's kinda hard to reach out and get all their views. Bleh. A note to the cheaters out there. All you persons that cannot or will not stay true to your partners - You Mess Up Everything. 

Cheating is something I can't comprehend. There can be no good reason for it - it's either you're happy and satisfied with your partner... or you're not. I have major trust issues that start with the fact that my dad has cheated on my mom and continue with the fact that I've been cheated on as well. 

I don't think the cute guy is one that would cheat but there is a part of me that doubts. That part of me that has seen and experienced cheating - that has been through the whole 'am I not enough?' experience. He has close female friends he's known for years upon years... years of history and experiences I don't know about... I've known him for just about one year. I feel small and petty and horrible for thinking such thoughts... and yet when he mentions spending time with close friends I want to snarl. 

*sigh*

Woke up in tears this morning and thought I'd try to figure out why. This is a very gloomy post. There have been positive moments and happy moments but ... I guess I needed to get out all of the dark before feeling alright. 

peace,

Ren

Almost tears and tears.

"I want to cry", said the mother to me earlier today. She was sitting on her bed, all fragile-looking and in no way resembling the very vital woman that is the image I have of her. Cancer, and the toll it can take on one's body, sucks. It is hard seeing her not able to do things that she wants to do... or having conversations and having to wait for her to make the connections that were once so easy for her to make. At times like these I wonder how she has managed to stay with us for so long. She was first diagnosed when I was 13... I'm going to be 30 this year. It's been rough on all of us but, of course, on her most of all. I am unsure if I could do the same. 

I gave her a hug and told her she'd be alright and that if she wanted to cry then she should. She didn't. Just pulled herself together and then we had lunch. 

After lunch I had my own mini-meltdown and burst into tears. Frustration, sadness, tiredness... a bit of vexation due to my dad and brother. There was a time when I wouldn't cry for anything... at all. I'm not sure what changed... it seems that as I get older my emotions run deeper. 

Or something. 

I've realized that it's far easier to cry and release the emotions than it is to let it build and stress me out. 

Do you need to cry today?

peace,

Ren

Gearing up for a girl night...

Lime with the girl people tonight and it is much needed. I feel tired and somewhat low on energy. It's been a long week with rather tedious work that I realise is in no way fulfilling. There have been moments where I've realised that both parents are older... less vital in a way that they have never been before. I think both work and family life need a boost of positive energy at the moment.

Sometimes the perfect thing to recharge one's batteries is a night spent with people that you've known for ages doing silly stuff and eating comfort food (cheesecake - I've heard that there will be cheesecake!).

Happy Friday all.

peace,

Ren

Keep Calm and Love Cats...

Perhaps I should have been blogging...

But instead my Cat and I were watching and pinning cat photos onto my Cat board.

I've decided I love Pinterest almost as much as I love cats.

peace,

Ren 

Sick to my stomach...

Figuratively speaking that is.

I'm feeling a range of emotions: horror, rage, despair but also love, hope and a bit of gratitude. These emotions have been building a while and I've found that I don't quite have the words to describe the mix of feelings. I can however, provide links so that you can read and understand what brought them up.

• Rape has a purpose
• Our own rape culture
• Three India Rape Suspects Will Plead Not Guilty; Their Lawyer Says ‘Respected Ladies’ Don’t Get Raped

It is beyond my comprehension how people could commit such atrocities against other people. I don’t understand how people can support persons that commit rape or sexual violence of any kind. It is heart-breaking in so many ways.

So.

Sending love out to anyone who has been in such a situation… to victims and their friends and families, to people that are trying to change the world for the better.

There is hope in that it’s a topic that is being talked about, that more people are fighting against and reporting on.

There is gratitude in me that I have not had any horrible personal experiences and that my family and the cute guy are persons that I would trust myself with.

What are your thoughts?

Peace,

Ren

Something random.

In any day there are a number of things I could possibly talk/blog about. Today I thought about blogging on issues about race - there's an election happening soon in my country... it seems that race is a topic that comes up around such times. I find it particularly ridiculous since I'm not sure that the majority of persons in my country (Trinidad and Tobago) can claim to be of any one race. It's a question of identity and self that people seem to have.

I thought about talking about management and mismanagement... it's one of the greatest ills I think - and I believe it affects all levels of our society. I see it everyday at home and at work and in all the drama happening in the country.

I considered blogging on shopping for food... grumpiness over  spending money aside, it's something I really enjoy. Stopped at the local market stall on my way home - fresh fruits and vegetables and kittens underfoot. 

I can't seem to focus on any one thing in particular though so I'll just post something random. Those dimples that some people have on their lower back? They're called the "Dimples of Venus". Now you know. 

Be enlightened...

peace,

Ren

Project 52?

At the beginning of last year I thought about doing a 365 Project... maybe something photo-related. Then I thought perhaps a Project 52 would be better (was even encouraged by Photo Walk TT to do Don Giannatti's Project 52). I also thought maybe I could do something artistic and creative and fabulous! 

I didn't do any of it. It was always on my mind but... I just didn't get around to doing any of it. 

This year I think I will. Something along the lines of a Project 52. A mix of stuff maybe? Photos, finger paint, doodles! I'm not sure exactly what yet. I'm starting today though. It's the last day of the first week of 2013. It's also the first Monday of the year... feels like a good day to start this.

Perhaps it will be ribbon-themed? I like ribbons of all sorts. The beginning then: 

I have a bunch of these pink ribbon messenger doves ... I've given some away as gifts to special friends, each with its own message of blessings of some sort. This one is mine for the year and carries with it my hopes and wishes for 2013. 

Wish me luck! I'm gonna try to stick to it :)

peace,

Ren

Van Heusen 15 1/2

I ironed 15 shirts for my dad today cuz he returns to work on Monday. I envy those that got these first few days of the year off. Ah well. 

Van Heusen 15 1/2... once upon a time he wore 14 1/2... as I was ironing today it occurred to me that it would be the last time I'd have to do any major bulk ironing for him as he's retiring this month. He won't really need that many shirts available at any particular time. My brother joked that he'd be able to borrow shirts regularly... I could borrow shirts too! There was a time when I used to wear my dad's older shirts - there are few things as comfortable as a somewhat worn Van Heusen shirt. 

My dad is retiring this month. How has time passed so quickly? How did we get to be the age we are? What will he do now? My dad has the potential to drive us crazy if he is home for long periods of time. He has never quite 'fit' with my mom and brother and I. I'm not sure if it's because he just moves to his own beat or because he hasn't spent as much time with us as my mom has. 

I love my dad. I've been told that I'm very like him... I do not see whatever it is that other people see that make them think so. It's a somewhat complicated relationship where I admire and am entertained by him... and where I'm very frustrated and annoyed and vexed by him. 

He's tried his best to teach us how to be adults. Responsible adults. The sad thing is that whenever he's around I feel like a pre-teen. How is it that I can be mature and handle all sorts of drama and responsibilities yet when my dad's around I turn into an 11 year old? Meh. 

I'm somewhat anxious about him retiring. We're all entering different phases of life. It's strange for all of us I think... I think perhaps that because we (my brother and I) haven't left home/moved out our parents still think of us as children - whilst we are their children... we're also adults. We're still figuring out how to deal with each other. 

It's just a weird space right now. Any advice world?

peace,

Ren

Disconnected.

I admit to having a bit of a mini-meltdown earlier brought on by the fact that Whatsapp no longer runs on my iPhone 3G.

How will I talk to people? What will I do? *wail* *sob* *weep*

I am not pleased that my (almost) perfectly maintained phone can no longer run the apps that I want it to run. I bought the phone in early 2010 - I'm not one to switch phones for the newest, most fabulous phone that's out there - I was fully expecting to be able to use my phone till it started falling apart. 

Alas, now I have to get a new one because otherwise... what will I do? 

I can't remember what I did before I had a phone that could connect me instantly to people and the Internet... Perhaps I was more rested? Perhaps I talked to persons more in person? Perhaps I did other things besides constantly scroll through my Twitter timeline?

Perhaps this may turn out to be a good thing?

I'm going to get a new phone (and most likely not an iPhone)... I'm not sure when exactly (sometime when there's a sale most likely) but, I'm not gonna stress too much about it.

peace,

Ren

Of funds and finances...

Something I need to get back to: saving money. Actually, I think I need to be planning and budgeting and figuring out how best the money that I make should be allocated. I say 'get back to' because once upon a time, when I was in my teens and into the years when I had just started working, I was very much into saving. 

I made money in my teens by working with my dad... and not spending much of it - easy to do when you live at home with your parents. I think the most money I spent then (and now) is on books. When I started working I'd put away a bit every month because ... I thought I'd need it someday. 

I'm not sure where along the line my thoughts on savings changed. Somewhere along the line, among insurance companies being bastards about medical policies, my dad trying to teach us to be responsible and me trying to find my purpose in life, I just decided to let things go. 

Now that I have bills to pay and now that I see just how quickly things can crop up (and how much they can cost) I realise that I do need to better manage my money... and while it's not something I think I'm good at, I'm somewhat thankful for basic accounting classes I've done and the easy access to information about budgeting and saving and whatnot. 

I think it's interesting that I'm thinking about budgeting and the cute guy starts telling me about YNAB. Something to check out... perhaps for January that's what I'll be looking at. Spending and savings and needs and wants.

I want more than I can currently afford. I have various fiscal responsibilities that limit my spending. I need to have some sort of savings.

Oy.

peace,

Ren

Little interactions...

Little interactions can make or break your day.. or your mood.. or just a moment you may be having. I'm trying to remember the positive, happy moments and let the grumpy moments fade away. 

Somewhat haunted by the following words from the somewhat haunting book House of Leaves:

"Out of the blue, beyond any cause you can trace, you'll suddenly realize things are not how you perceived them to be at all. For some reason, you will no longer be the person you believed you once were. You'll detect slow and subtle shifts going on all around you, more importantly shifts in you. Worse, you'll always realize it's been shifting, like a shimmer of sorts, a vast shimmer, only dark like a room. But you won't understand why or how. You'll have forgotten what granted you this awareness in the first place."

Words floating around my head as I go about my day. What words are in yours? 

peace,

Ren

2013!

First day of the year!

I met a lot of people...

I'm thinking about moving this blog and building a website of some sort that provides... something. 

I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I think that says a lot about the job I'm currently in. 

I realize I feel guilty about leaving the parents home and doing my own thing... I realize that they encourage the guilty feelings. I'm not sure how to get out of that. 

I think I need to be more firm with the brother. More physical world responsibility needed.

I love the cute guy... there has yet to be a moment that is not in some way fun, or thought-provoking, or peaceful.

Hello 2013.

peace,

Ren

One book.

"A book is the only place in which you can examine a fragile thought without breaking it, or explore an explosive idea without fear it will go off in your face. It is one of the few havens remaining where a man's mind can get both provocation and privacy". ~Edward P. Morgan

Three parts. Thirty chapters. Three hundred and forty-two pages. 

This is the reason why I didn't get around to writing the blog post that I had planned to write tonight. I got caught up in a book - I tend to not be able to put down a book once it has caught my interest. I bought it this afternoon... started reading after 7 pm... didn't stop... and am now finished with it at 11:30 pm... It's now my bedtime. 

This is the book: 

It was a good read... I'll probably end up buying the series. 

And now I really must go to bed. 

Night all.

peace,

Ren

Sometimes...

"If women ruled the world and we all got massages, there would be no war." ~Carrie Snow 

Sometimes I think that Carrie Snow is on to something. The world would be better if ruled by women... and if we all got massages (I'm currently in desperate need of a good massage *sigh*).

Spent the weekend with some fabulous women... my girl group on Saturday - there was a beach house birthday lime at Manzanilla... total driving time (there and back with stops for people, food, snacks and gas) = a little bit more than 5 hours. Car discussions included: makeup, guys, directions, sleep attire, breasts, food, work, music and relationships. We played on the beach... there was a lot of laughing and running around and wild, crazy beach hair. Sometimes I forget that I need to be around them to balance myself - am always reminded when we spend time together. 

Spent Sunday evening with my mom and her girl group (I think we're both lucky that we have such awesome girl groups!). It was far less giggly and far more introspective. Older, wiser women. Perhaps this is what we'll be like as we get older. 

Sometimes I wonder at the relationships that guys have... do they have the same level of comfort with their friends? Can they share as we do? Talk it out, work it out, hug it out, bitch it out. Do guys do that? And... if they don't... what do they do? How do they manage with all the drama that can be a regular life? 

Sometimes I get very bogged down with the world - today there was a meeting where things were hinted at but not said... I wish people would just grow up ... today someone took offence because I couldn't pull up a smile and bother with conversation (mostly because it was such a grump-inducing day). 

Days like today I'm very grateful for the females I know... and I definitely think that Carrie Snow is right  - there'd be no war if the world was ruled by women... and everyone got massages... and also, I think, if everyone got their favourite dessert...

give thanks for your nearest and dearest...

peace,

Ren

Rest

"Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under trees on a summer’s day, listening to the murmur of the water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time." ~Sir John Lubbock 

I keep falling asleep today... my thoughts are swirling around. I think I'm in need of a time and space to be by myself a bit. Bits of sounds and images and none of it making that much sense at the moment. Bedtime for me definitely.

Hope you had a good day world... 

peace,

Ren

Interesting Vid: Amy Krouse Rosenthal's Thought Bubble: Kindness

"Life is short and we have never too much time for gladdening the hearts of those who are traveling the dark journey with us. Oh be swift to live, make haste to be kind." ~Henri-Frederic Amiel 

I meant to post this very good video/animation yesterday... but I got carried away talking about peanut butter. Just one more strike against peanut butter is what I'm thinking.

This vid is amazingly good:

peace,

Ren

Down with peanut butter!

"Each of us literally chooses, by his way of attending to things, what sort of universe he shall appear to himself to inhabit." ~William James 

Yes, you read that right: down with peanut butter!

I've been following @DPixel on twitter... she's doing a project 365 (though I guess it would end up being 366... hmm) that I've been following for reasons such as:

• I'd like to do one sometime...
• It's easy to follow her because she posts on twitter everyday and therefore I see it everyday.
• She writes little back-stories to accompany her photos... they tend to make me smile.

Maybe you're wondering what that has to do with peanut butter. She started it... though at this time she's unaware that because she's been hunting up random themes for her photos (e.g. National Handwriting Day and Beer Can Appreciation Day) I've become more aware of random days people celebrate... because I like celebrating random days as much as the next person. 

Still not sure what this has to do with peanut butter?

Today in the USA it's National Peanut Butter Day! I saw it trending on twitter... and then a friend mentioned it to me. Ick. Ick, I say. It's a good thing I'm not in the US because I'd have had a hard time celebrating this one. 

Peanut butter is evil. 

Although... it makes for the most delicious drink (peanut punch) but... that's all really. It makes your mouth stick together. It tastes nowhere near as fabulous as cashew butter... or even almond butter. 

Maybe it's not evil. 

But still... ick. 

Down with peanut butter!

peace,

Ren