All of the negative...

This week I've been: 

- Tired. My mom really wasn't feeling so well last Sunday and so I was up most of the night with her. Awake so much so that I took the day off on Monday because I *really needed sleep*. It's been a rough week for her health-wise... and so, it's also been a rough week for us. I think illness of any kind affects not just the person who has it but the family unit or whoever is in their immediate circle. 

-Sad. There have been times over the past seventeen years or so when I thought that maybe, perhaps, it might have been my mom's time to pass. There have been scary moments and sad moments and the like but I think that this time is the first time that I truly feel her time might be near. I don't know that I'm ready to face the death of a parent. 

My other parent is officially, as of yesterday, retired. This is a good thing I'm sure... but it's also a reminder of how time is passing and a part of me wishes it would just freeze.

-Irritable. Perhaps because of lack of sleep this week. I haven't been nearly as patient with people as I can be. Small things have been bugging me at home and at work and with ... just about everybody. There are crazy drivers, for example. I'm usually fairly tolerant but this week I've been irritated enough to want to come on the blog and list in detail all the stupid things that goes on the roads of Trinidad. Obviously I haven't... I complained about them to my work people instead.

The workplace has been annoying me - I'm not sure how some people got to be where they are when they can't do what they're supposed to do. Actually, I do know... nepotism screws things up. All positions should be earned by merit... or people should at least show competency of some kind before being selected to a post. My entire country is being mismanaged at all levels and truly one of the main reasons is nepotism by past and present governments. 

I think the family thinks that I'm always grumpy at them - the thing is that to get things done around my home (that I can't do for myself) people need to be continuously reminded... or something? It annoys me that people won't do stuff if they see/know that it needs to be done. I also know that I'm a bit of a procrastinator so can I really be mad at my people for that?

-Feeling like a nag. Everything is all related... This week I feel as though I've been nagging the family people, the cute guy, the work people. Ugh. I don't like it. I don't like having to constantly mention the same thing over and over... and yet if I don't I feel as though a) nothing will get done, b) there will be missed opportunities and c) the world will come to an end. I know the world is not ending... but really? Oy. People need to do what they should be doing. 

-Crazy, insanely jealous. I still kinda continue to be. Ergh. This is something I need to talk about with the girl people but since my Whatsapp no longer works it's kinda hard to reach out and get all their views. Bleh. A note to the cheaters out there. All you persons that cannot or will not stay true to your partners - You Mess Up Everything. 

Cheating is something I can't comprehend. There can be no good reason for it - it's either you're happy and satisfied with your partner... or you're not. I have major trust issues that start with the fact that my dad has cheated on my mom and continue with the fact that I've been cheated on as well. 

I don't think the cute guy is one that would cheat but there is a part of me that doubts. That part of me that has seen and experienced cheating - that has been through the whole 'am I not enough?' experience. He has close female friends he's known for years upon years... years of history and experiences I don't know about... I've known him for just about one year. I feel small and petty and horrible for thinking such thoughts... and yet when he mentions spending time with close friends I want to snarl. 

*sigh*

Woke up in tears this morning and thought I'd try to figure out why. This is a very gloomy post. There have been positive moments and happy moments but ... I guess I needed to get out all of the dark before feeling alright. 

peace,

Ren

Can you change who you are?

"You can’t be suspicious of a tree, or accuse a bird or a squirrel of subversion or challenge the ideology of a violet." ~Hal Borland 

It's December. Where did the year go? I'm busy with multiple projects in work (just call me Super Woman) and with Christmas (shopping, friends, family!). I love this time of year though - December is my second favourite month of the year. It just seems that everyone is more happy. Or it could be that I'm more happy around December what with all the music and the food and the shopping and the liming. December is awesome. 

What's not-so-awesome? Family squabbles. I guess they happen in every family/household when things need doing and aren't getting done (or aren't being done properly). People respond differently to emotional drama. Emotions can hijack us and leave us a weepy mess... or they can cause us to withdraw into our very best impression of a stone statue. Emotions are tricky things and we all deal with them differently. This is something I must remember. It's not just my way or the highway. 

Can you change who you are?

There are things about ourselves that we can change. On Friday I went rock wall climbing. It was scary (I'm afraid of heights - there's a reason I'm short and that is because I'm supposed to be close to the ground)... and yet it was also exhilarating. Scary because well... whoa - I was up very high. Exhilarating because my fear is not the boss of me, I am the boss of my fear. This is something I've been telling myself often - it seems to be working because a few years back there was no way anyone was going to get me up that wall. 

There are things about ourselves that we cannot change. We cannot change how something may affect us - there will always be situations that will tug at our heartstrings or punch us in the gut or overwhelm us with some emotion or other. What we can change is how we react, how we respond and I think part of that is realising how others may react/respond.

My parents (in my mind at least) have always been opposites - heart-oriented vs head-oriented... the emotional vs the logical. As I've gotten older I've seen them become more balanced but still stay true to their .. orientation. It's something I can't change in them and something I'm working on in myself. Finding the balance. I don't want to be more of one than the other but there lies the question... can I change who I am? If one is inherently more of one than the other ... will it always be so?

I'm thoughtful tonight... If you have thoughts or ideas feel free to share...

peace,

Ren

Of anger and love.

"Love, also known as compassion, stems from a sense of universal being and the experiential understanding that all suffering is connected." ~Deepak Chopra

There are times when something that someone says resonates with you... when you think 'ah yes, that's exactly it'. I've had that experience many times and today one of them is relevant. I've mentioned before that Shoeaholic and I look at Oprah reruns during our lunch hour at work. Today's episode was 'The Color Purple Reunion' and one of the guest stars was Whoopi Goldberg... what struck me was that during part of the interview she was asked about how she stormed off the set of The View because of something guest star Bill O'Reilly said and her response was:

"[In my head,] I heard myself say something that would have cost me a great deal of money from the FCC," Whoopi says. "[I] knew that if I didn't get off the stage what was coming. I know Bill. I like Bill. I think he just got caught up in that moment and didn't realize that what he had said was too volatile."

I completely identify. Completely.

I don't get angry very often. I'm very even-tempered but there are times when incidents can cause me to lose my cool. Shoeaholic says that I remind her of her dad... direct quote (tweet): "you remind me of dad...cool for yrs but when time to erupt is like whoop aaa!" ... I always try to remove myself from the scene before the 'whoop aaa' comes out... and I try not to be around the people/circumstance that causes the eruption till I have time to settle down.

Anger is a very tiring emotion and is composed of many different (sub?)emotions. It is annoyances and discomfort caused by persons in charge being reactive, it is disbelief and  disappointment in people/events where they should really know better, it's disappointment in myself for expecting more from people than they can apparently give or are willing to give.

It's a mystery to me that people are content to just accept a negative situation and then try to convince others affected that they are not affected... 

You may not know what I'm talking about... but it's a work-related issue that has had me pissed-off-mad-as-hell all week... and that's why this post is so vague. Am mostly over it though. People will be people... not everyone is ready to be mature... the vast majority of the population is concerned with their own selves. Accept, shrug, move on... it makes no sense getting mad when they don't even realise what's there to be mad about.

Went out tonight with my closest girlfriends. It's a release of sorts.. a relaxing of all that is tense when you are in the company of persons that you'd trust with your.. everything. It's freeing to be able to tell persons every thought in your head and have them both respect and encourage your thinking. It is a sharing of sorrows and joys such that sorrows are spread out so that they don't weigh as much and joys are magnified exponentially. It is laughter and tears and love of a sort that is different from family blood bonds but that is necessary for the maintaining of a person's sanity.

Or at least my own sanity.

Cuz otherwise there'd be a build up of 'whoop aaa' ... and I'm not sure the world can handle the eruption from that. 

peace,

Ren