Goodbye 2014!

"Year's end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instil in us." ~Hal Borland

It's the end of the year and I haven't been on here as much as I would have liked. I've been busy with yoga business. I tell people right now it's a lot more work doing the business side than the yoga - everyone seems to be, 'oh it must be tiring doing all that yoga!'. It's the business side of it that is most tiring, that requires a lot of mental power. Perhaps one day I shall write about the yoga of business. 

It's been a happy year - a year of figuring out what I can do, how I can improve, what I can contribute to the world at large. It's been a stressful year - figuring out finances and trying to manifest abundance. It's been a really good year with the cute guy. It's been an up and down year with the parent. It's been about the same with my brother. 

Lots to look forward to in 2015. I've got lots of plans - just need to figure out how to bring them into being. 

Wish you all the best for 2015! May it be a year of growth and abundance, of love and family. 

peace,

Ren

Almost a new year...

"Sit, be still and listen, because you're drunk and we're at the edge of the roof." ~Rumi

Today is the last day of 2013 and I couldn't let it go without returning here. I have sat down to write many times over the last two weeks but could not quite figure out what I wanted to say. Those posts will have to be written in the new year - reflections of past moments. Today I reflect on this year and years that have gone before. I am quietly contemplative; I suspect that all of us feel this way to some extent. 

This has been a year of change. As I look back, I can somewhat neatly block it off into thirds. During the first three months my mom was on a decline - my time was split between taking care of her and work and life as it is. I think we all knew that it would be her time soon and then she passed away on April 3rd. I blogged every day of that month and I feel that it helped clear my mind and ease my heart. At the end of April I had my 30th birthday. This is still a wonder to me... how have I gotten to be 30 years old? Where has the time gone? 

The second third of the year (May - August) was a time of processing. Raw feelings and figuring out the pieces of my life. At the beginning of August I made a decision - perhaps it was a decision that should have been made many months or years ago but everything has its time and I'm glad that the time came for it. The last third of the year was spent putting plans into motion and setting off on adventures. I quit my job, went travelling with the cute guy and got certified as a Nosara Yoga teacher. 

This last month has been a time of contemplation, questioning, inquiry. Where do I want to go? What do I want to do? Who am I? The cute guy and I are making business plans - I wonder how these would affect our current relationship. For the first time in... ever, I have been thinking about long term career/business goals. I'm planning and thinking that a new moon at the beginning of a New Year is an awesome thing. 

We're coming down to the last half hour of 2013 (here in Trinidad and Tobago). I'm off to meditate... There's been a lot of me-time this year and it's something that I hope to carry into the new year.

Some links that I've loved lately:

• The Best of Brain Pickings 2013 by Maria Popova
• A Revolution in Resolutions: Six steps to calling your deepest desires into life by Marylee Fairbanks
• 2014 New Years' blessings from religious leaders 

And this, because I find it appropriate: 

Wishing you all that you dream of and more...

peace,

Ren

I like going to different places.

"Take me to the places on the earth that teach you how to dance, the places where you can risk letting the world break your heart, and I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet and the stars overhead make my heart whole again and again." ~Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Today I saw an article on CNN.com: 11 places to go in 2014. Number 7 on that list is Costa Rica; specifically Playas de Nosara on the Nicoya Peninsula because of the area's 'officially approved beaches'. I just got back home from there and can tell you that yes, the area is beautiful - just be sure to carry your bug repellent (and umbrella if you're visiting during the rainy season). 

I love travelling whether it is going to new places or revisiting places I've been. I love city spaces and country spaces. I love beaches and mountains (though am afraid of heights... but they're so pretty). I love travelling. Finding myself in a new space and becoming acquainted with the pulse of it; the people and their movements. 

I spent two weeks in Florida with the cute guy. It was a bit of an adventure. I'd never travelled with anyone other than family before and am really happy that we got along so well. I guess it helps that we like each other? Mark Twain once said, 'I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them'. Perhaps the stress of travelling brings out stuff in people? We had fun. He's been to Florida before and so was showing me around. For me it was a  complete tourist experience because... I like being a tourist. Went to Epcot for their Food and Wine Festival - Epcot is amazing. Went to Magic Kingdom - we both love Disney. We stayed by some of his friends and went to Butterfly World and shopping malls. We had fun the entire time... right up until the end, the almost last day, when I got annoyed with him while shopping - but then, I don't think men and women are really made to shop together. 

After the two weeks in Florida he left to come home and I went on to Costa Rica for my Yoga Teacher Training at Nosara Yoga Institute. Have I mentioned that I love travelling? Costa Rica is beautiful. It felt very similar to home yet completely different. There was jungle and beaches and lots of biting insects. There was a lot of rain as it was almost-but-not-quite the end of the rainy season. I didn't do that much adventuring... mostly stayed in the area as I wanted to focus on the YTT and my reasons for being there. Perhaps I will go back sometime to explore the different areas. Perhaps I shall take the cute guy with me. Perhaps I will never go back but will always carry with me memories of rain in the jungle, sunsets on the beach, the sound of howler monkeys and the feel of dusty roadways. Perhaps I will just have a sense of community - one cannot share a space with a group of people for a month without having some shared sense of belonging. 

I have many memories to treasure. I have many photos to sort through.This is what I gather when travelling. What do you gather? Where do you want to go? Travelling need not be very far but can be as close as adventuring in your own neighbourhood or as far as the other side of... the world.

Go places. Adventure!

Playa Guiones, Nosara, Costa Rica - Photo taken almost at sunset...

peace,

Ren

Not enough time...

"Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They came through you but not from you and though they are with you yet they belong not to you." ~Khalil Gibran 

I missed posting yesterday because I was so caught up in activities that I couldn't sit long enough to write the thoughts in my head. I'm somewhat happy that it happened that way though as yesterday's thoughts tie in with those of today. Yesterday I attended the Blue Star Preschool's Christmas programme. My brother has become greatly involved with the preschool; he's been assisting with the classes, teaching the kids yoga and just generally helping out where he can. It's interesting seeing him interact with these kids as I don't recall him being so good at it and now he likes kids and they like him. For this Christmas programme he helped with the organisation and planning, with teaching the kids their parts in the Christmas skit and songs that would be performed. He sewed costumes. It is amazing.

The kids were also amazing. They are very adorable. Attentive and clever and lovable. Cute. In the same way that I am amazed at how well my brother has been interacting with these youngsters; I'm amazed at how much fun I find them to be. I guess some people like children and with others it just takes some time.

Last night I went to a company's Christmas function with the cute guy. It ended at a very late hour and I couldn't help but wonder about the families of those who stayed till the end. Did some of them have children? Were they single? Newly coupled? I've been thinking that parenting is something that becomes an integral part of one's life. If one becomes a parent then even when the children are old enough to take care of themselves the parent is still concerned about their well-being (or at least that is how I think it should be). That is how it has been with my parents and if I ever decide to become a parent this is how I will be. 

Today I went to a wedding with the cute guy and picked up a young friend. She gave me flowers which I put in my hair. She and her little sister kept coming around me and talked to me a few times. Anyone can be an example to a child I think... it's something we must be conscious of - that at any moment whether we know it or recognise it or not, someone's child may be looking at us and forming his/her own ideas of the world. 

Perhaps that will be enough for me? Setting examples of how to be in this space without having my own? I've mentioned before that when I was little I used to say that I would never want kids and that that statement made my mom most unhappy. That statement has gradually changed as I become easier with being around children. It is a possibility. It makes me think of time though as, of course, women have to be conscious of our internal clock. I don't know that there is enough time to figure out myself and to also start raising someone. I'm thirty now... it's not that late in the whole scheme of things but there is still the awareness of time passing. 

What do you think? There is the saying that 'it takes a village to raise a child'... perhaps it would be okay to have a child later on in life if there is the support to take care of it. I feel that I have that support with my brother and younger cousins and even those friends I have at the Blue Star. So. It's all a possibility.

I'm just noticing that recently I've been more aware of kids. How they interact with the world, how they relate to people. It's just something I'm paying attention to in this time where my friends are wondering whether they should have or not have kids. What're your thoughts?

peace,

Ren

Memory-making and photo-taking.

"All photographs are memento mori. To take a photograph is to participate in another person's (or thing's) mortality, vulnerability, mutability. Precisely by slicing out this moment and freezing it, all photographs testify to time's relentless melt." ~Susan Sontag

Today the cute guy came over to help me paint walls. It's Christmas time and painting is something that a lot of Trinis do to prepare for the season. My family doesn't do it that often - there are some families who paint their homes every year, the inside and outside or maybe a wall or two... we do it when we can, or when I decide I want to as I'm mostly the one that pushes to get painting done. 

I'm making new memories. There once was a green wall in my living room - an accent wall - which my mom and I did when my dad and brother were out of the country. Prior to this green wall the only room with any major colour was mine, a sheer lilac, because my dad likes clean white (or some shade of white) at least that's the reason that I know. That Christmas when we were both home alone we decided to make one wall an accent wall and so we went to the paint store and bought a deep forest green. I painted the wall. Then, I stamped white spirals on it. It was amazing (and made my brother and my dad speechless when they saw it - my dad's been trying to get me to paint it white ever since). 

I say 'once was' because I've painted over it. It's time for new memories. Every day is a day in which I think of my mom,  of things that we've done together and things that she's said and taught me. They are cherished thoughts and memories but I know that she wouldn't want me to always be in the past. Part of going to Costa Rica was to help figure out my future... what I want to be in it, what I'd like to do. Painting over a wall is also part of the process; part of moving on and making new memories. 

After painting we looked at photos - I have had a digital camera since (at least) 2008 - I have so many photos that I've taken from 2008 to present. These photos capture moments that I'd like to remember; people, events, places - the essence of where I've been, what I've been up to and who I've shared these experiences with. When he left I started downloading all the photos I took on our trip together and on my trip to Costa Rica (I now have over 2500+ photos to sort through [help?!]). I'll continue to take photos - perhaps my new accent wall will feature in some of them as my green wall once did. 

How do you capture your memories? Do you take photos? Journal or draw? Record an audio clip or a video clip? It's important, I think, to have some way to capture them so that we can then access them when we need more than our own thoughts and memories. 

peace,

Ren

Once more... writing.

"What things there are to write, if one could only write them! My mind is full of gleaming thoughts; gay moods and mysterious, moth-like meditations hover in my imagination, fanning their painted wings. But always the rarest, those streaked with azure and the deepest crimson, flutter away beyond my reach." ~Logan Pearsall Smith

It is almost a month since I've written in this space. It's almost two weeks since I graduated Yoga Teacher Training. There are a lot of thoughts in my head, a lot of things I want to write, a lot of possibilities swirling around. I have been making excuses... I was busy - asana practice and designing my own flow and teaching my first class, I was travelling, my dad was travelling, my house has not been cleaned in what seems like forever, my Cat child needs me! I have not been writing even though there are things that I do want to write to sort out stuff. I have not sent out emails that I've already halfway composed in my head. 

Why is that? I'm not sure. Then, I read this article: 'Move, Meditate, Write: The Yoga of Writing' and found it to be the push that I needed.  

A commitment then... every day for at least a week I shall write something here - I shall write about travelling with the cute guy and travelling by myself, of adventures in new places, of making new friends and discovering or rediscovering parts of myself. I shall write about the ordinary and the extraordinary. I will also send out at least one email (per day) that I've been meaning to send out. 

Hello World, I've missed you.

peace,

Ren 

The last day - MMXII

It's a weird day where I feel claustrophobic but don't want to move out of my space... or see people... or get dressed... or whatever. It's actually been a weird month in that respect. Almost back out to work for me... end of the year is also equal to end of vacation. End of vacation is equal to end of lazing around time with family and with the cute guy though I find that I haven't really done much of either... perhaps they find so as well. 

It's been an interesting year... ups and downs - the highest up being the cute guy, the lowest down being the health of my mom. The in-between mix of friendship and career and life purpose. In 2013 I shall be 30... I'm not sure I've accomplished what I want to accomplish by the time I'm 30 but then I've never really known what I want to accomplish. Perhaps I need to figure out that vision instead of waiting for things to fall into place - things will happen as they may, events will unfold as they will... I think I may have inklings of the direction I'd like them to follow. 

What do you wish for in 2013? What do you let go of from 2012? What do you want to remain? What have you learnt? 

It's a period of questioning for me. 

Some things that I've looked at recently that have made me thoughtful, made me laugh and filled me with...wonder:

• The 15 most popular Letters of Note of 2012
• The Best New and Short Webcomics of 2012
• A history of the universe in 127 seconds
• The Best of Open Culture 2012

Enjoy the rest of 2012! All the best for 2013!

peace,

Ren 

Vacation.... Days 3 & 4...

Work, work, work... 

Oh wait... I'm on vacation. 

*sigh* It seems as though I took vacation to stay at home, clean house and take care of people. Of course it only seems that way. I'm just grumpy cuz my back aches and I'm feeling creaky. 

In reality I took vacation to spend time with the mother... the family... the cute guy... and that's what I've been doing. 

It is both harder and at the same time easier than expected.

peace,

Ren

Vacation...Day 2.

Vacation Day 2... I think I'll be doing free writing for the rest of this vacation. Five minutes of writing each day. It's something I can do.

Sometimes though it's just easier to do things without planning... that's what today has taught me. Things don't always go according to plan, perhaps sometimes it's just better not to have a plan. It's unfortunate that I like planning (lack of career planning aside) what I want to do. Day by day I think it's best to know what one is going to do for the day. 

That hasn't really been working out for me though. I really need to just let go and go with the flow. What will be, will be.

The mother isn't feeling so fabulous... so, instead of a day of pampering, today turned into a day of cleaning. I guess it's a different kind of pampering? We do not have pretty nails but my mom now has a squeaky clean bedside table and dresser. 

I've learnt that whatever hoarding vibes I have came from my mother. Weird reversal of roles today. I have memories of her cleaning my room and me complaining about her throwing out stuff... today I was cleaning her room and she was complaining about me throwing out stuff :s Ergh?

Tonight the cute guy and I are invited to a Christmas... thing? Shoeaholic's mom's workplace is having an event and invited us. Then we're going to a tweetup at a sushi place. Yay. 

Plans... some change, some stay the same (hopefully). 

peace,

Ren

Vacation... Day 1.

Stream of consciousness writing for five minutes. That's what I'm doing at this moment and in this post. I'm on vacation! This doesn't mean that I have left home... that I'm travelling far and wide - though I'd like that. It just means that I had ten vacation days left for the year and when combined with casual and compensatory days the result is that I do not go back out to work till January 2nd.

January 2nd!

Three weeks of no work! I want to figure out what I want to do work-wise. At some point I'd like to be able to figure that out. I have no plan. No major career goal. There is nothing that I can particularly see myself doing. 

Is this how it is for everyone?

I've been snappish with the family. I'm out of sorts. The parents are getting older daily it seems. Suddenly, I look at them and they are old. I look in the mirror and I look the same but then older. Age is a funny thing. I think I read somewhere that it is only humans that measure time and thus only humans that live with the dread of the end. The End. 

The cute guy is adorably cute. Behind all cute that I have imagined guys can be. There are no words yet to describe what I think of all of this. Am content to just be in this space with him. 

I can write a lot in five minutes. 

It's Christmas time... mistletoe and wine... I've always wondered what it would be like if there were mistletoe in my country. If it were one of our customs. I do not like wine.... except for when it is used in cooking. 

Vacation Day 2 tomorrow.

Hope all is well with you world.... if it isn't or even if it is... all my love to you.

peace,

Ren

It's the eve of the New Year... I wish for you:

'twas the night before Christmas...

"Realize that true happiness lies within you. Waste no time and effort searching for peace and contentment and joy in the world outside. Remember that there is no happiness in having or in getting, but only in giving. Reach out. Share. Smile. Hug. Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself." ~Og Mandino

Christmas Eve and I've finally made it to the blog. It's not that I haven't had anything to write about or that I've not had the time in which to write - it's just that I'm finding it hard to be on my computer often. Ah well. Here I am now...

It's been a busy month - crazy in the so-much-to-do type of way. Most of my country celebrates Christmas... there are those that don't but the majority does. It's a lot of organizing and paying-of-bills and shopping to get the perfect presents. It's the end-of-the-year final rush to get work projects wrapped up as best as they can be. It's luncheons and dinners and parties and limes. It's traffic and crazy drivers. Winter solstice though there is no winter here. December. Christmas. 

I found the perfect presents for my family ahead of time this year (go me!) and they've already been opened and exclaimed over. We do the gift-exchanging on Christmas Eve because we're up early to go to the Blue Star at 5 am on Christmas morning. Gifts for everyone else? Christmas cards... I love you all :) My family is huge (aunts, uncles, cousins) and I've got friends (work friends, school friends, girl friends) - if I were to shop for everyone I'd be severely lacking cash for most of next year. So, Christmas cards. 

I've already given out those to my work friends - school/girl friends will receive at some point (hopefully this year). Work has been crazy. People have been going off on vacation. I've had five vacation days which I split up so that I ended up with three long weekends for December - somewhat relaxing and I was fairly smug about it. Projects have been shifted and paused. I've been thinking more and more of what I'd like to be doing instead of what I'm doing now. No real answers yet apart from that it's not what I'm doing now. My workplace is crazy.

My work friends are awesome though. I've been using the word 'awesome' a lot. It's been absorbed into my vocabulary. My work friends are awesome - been spending more time than I've ever done with the members of my department - there's been a lot of shared moments and conversations. It's been interesting this year. 

What's also been interesting? Photo walks... I love taking photos. I don't have the patience or the interest in processing them but I do love taking them. Went to the last walk of the year to the Wild Fowl Trust on the 17th December. Met new people (some of whom know of the blog!), got to hold a macajuel, took lots of photos:

Nature is fabulously beautiful. 

Am giving thanks for what I have and reflecting on what I want... it's just that time of year. Solstice is a part of it but only a small part. 

How are you celebrating your holidays? What moves you? Who do  you spend it with? Who do you want to spend it with? 

I've been thinking that there are so many choices a person can make. I'm content with mine at the moment. Feeling a bit stagnant - knowing there needs to be a shaking-up of sorts soon. I'm concentrating on being happy in the here-and-now. 

Merry Christmas to you... or Season's greetings... or if you don't celebrate anything - all my love.

peace,

Ren 

Can you change who you are?

"You can’t be suspicious of a tree, or accuse a bird or a squirrel of subversion or challenge the ideology of a violet." ~Hal Borland 

It's December. Where did the year go? I'm busy with multiple projects in work (just call me Super Woman) and with Christmas (shopping, friends, family!). I love this time of year though - December is my second favourite month of the year. It just seems that everyone is more happy. Or it could be that I'm more happy around December what with all the music and the food and the shopping and the liming. December is awesome. 

What's not-so-awesome? Family squabbles. I guess they happen in every family/household when things need doing and aren't getting done (or aren't being done properly). People respond differently to emotional drama. Emotions can hijack us and leave us a weepy mess... or they can cause us to withdraw into our very best impression of a stone statue. Emotions are tricky things and we all deal with them differently. This is something I must remember. It's not just my way or the highway. 

Can you change who you are?

There are things about ourselves that we can change. On Friday I went rock wall climbing. It was scary (I'm afraid of heights - there's a reason I'm short and that is because I'm supposed to be close to the ground)... and yet it was also exhilarating. Scary because well... whoa - I was up very high. Exhilarating because my fear is not the boss of me, I am the boss of my fear. This is something I've been telling myself often - it seems to be working because a few years back there was no way anyone was going to get me up that wall. 

There are things about ourselves that we cannot change. We cannot change how something may affect us - there will always be situations that will tug at our heartstrings or punch us in the gut or overwhelm us with some emotion or other. What we can change is how we react, how we respond and I think part of that is realising how others may react/respond.

My parents (in my mind at least) have always been opposites - heart-oriented vs head-oriented... the emotional vs the logical. As I've gotten older I've seen them become more balanced but still stay true to their .. orientation. It's something I can't change in them and something I'm working on in myself. Finding the balance. I don't want to be more of one than the other but there lies the question... can I change who I am? If one is inherently more of one than the other ... will it always be so?

I'm thoughtful tonight... If you have thoughts or ideas feel free to share...

peace,

Ren