Stand still... it's the Solstice...

It's apparently a good time for communication and emotional closure. I'm not very good with the former and in need of the latter. I'm not used to experiencing grief and, when added to the frustration  I'm feeling with my work place, it leaves me feeling a bit worn out. Exhausted. 

I feel a bit as though I've got my own little grey cloud hovering over me. There is gloomy shadow instead of sunshine. I'm hoping that by letting myself feel what I'm feeling and trying to be as open as possible the shade of my cloud will transform from oppressing to cooling. That moment, just before the rains come, when there is cool shade and a hint of wind. 

I've been told to just let go and be. 

This is sometimes hard to do - though I've noticed that it's hard when I'm experiencing negative feelings... grumpy and stressed with work makes it harder, being frustrated by parent or brother makes it harder. It's easiest when I'm alone... or with the cute guy, or with the Cat and Dog... or when I'm in my car with the radio on. 

I'm feeling raw. Emotions close to the surface. Life undecided. Not sure quite how to feel or what to do. 

I'm trying to just be. 

Send me some love?

peace,

Ren

Solstice...

"Life is like an ever-shifting kaleidoscope, - a slight change, and all patterns alter." ~ Sharon Salzberg

Solstice today and I'm so very tired. Change is in the air. Cycles starting over... coming around again.

I'm grumpy and achy and have I mentioned tired? 

The mother is not doing that well... Sudden decline and we're now helping out much more than I ever thought we'd have to and I'm reading sites such as caring.com and agingcare.com. I'm thinking if I ever have my own space I'll outfit it such that when I'm older there won't be any drama if I need wheelchairs/lifts/easy access showers/whatever. I've realised that although the mother has gotten fairly scrawny (she's lost a *lot* of weight) she's still heavy for me...  my back aches like wow. I need to do some strength training. Lifting with the knees and whatever is not helping me in this case. 

The father is concerned and probably feeling his own mortality. He also seems to not realise that I'm doing as much in a day as he is... and with less sleep. I have been snappish with him tonight... some guilt cuz yes is my dad but... I'm tired. That should be capitalised. TIRED. I can't bring myself to feel overly bad about being snappish cuz in my opinion I was provoked. Meh. 

The brother is a rock... without him around I'd be much more snappish and also much more tired. We deal as well as we could. 

The workplace is ... Well, it just is. I'm gearing up for another round of quarrels because really? Enough. I'm tired... and dealing with somewhat incompetent people is not helping my energy level at all. 

The cute guy is... so much cuter. Oy. Bright spot. He makes me smile. Cute. Seriously cute. Oy. Too cute to be in such a grumpy post. 

I know I should talk to the girl ppl... or just talk to people. But. Meh. 

I want chocolate and hugs (especially from the cute guy but really all hugs are welcome) and a vacation... I'm gonna settle for a good cry and a hot water bottle and hopefully some hours of sleep. 

peace,

Ren

'twas the night before Christmas...

"Realize that true happiness lies within you. Waste no time and effort searching for peace and contentment and joy in the world outside. Remember that there is no happiness in having or in getting, but only in giving. Reach out. Share. Smile. Hug. Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself." ~Og Mandino

Christmas Eve and I've finally made it to the blog. It's not that I haven't had anything to write about or that I've not had the time in which to write - it's just that I'm finding it hard to be on my computer often. Ah well. Here I am now...

It's been a busy month - crazy in the so-much-to-do type of way. Most of my country celebrates Christmas... there are those that don't but the majority does. It's a lot of organizing and paying-of-bills and shopping to get the perfect presents. It's the end-of-the-year final rush to get work projects wrapped up as best as they can be. It's luncheons and dinners and parties and limes. It's traffic and crazy drivers. Winter solstice though there is no winter here. December. Christmas. 

I found the perfect presents for my family ahead of time this year (go me!) and they've already been opened and exclaimed over. We do the gift-exchanging on Christmas Eve because we're up early to go to the Blue Star at 5 am on Christmas morning. Gifts for everyone else? Christmas cards... I love you all :) My family is huge (aunts, uncles, cousins) and I've got friends (work friends, school friends, girl friends) - if I were to shop for everyone I'd be severely lacking cash for most of next year. So, Christmas cards. 

I've already given out those to my work friends - school/girl friends will receive at some point (hopefully this year). Work has been crazy. People have been going off on vacation. I've had five vacation days which I split up so that I ended up with three long weekends for December - somewhat relaxing and I was fairly smug about it. Projects have been shifted and paused. I've been thinking more and more of what I'd like to be doing instead of what I'm doing now. No real answers yet apart from that it's not what I'm doing now. My workplace is crazy.

My work friends are awesome though. I've been using the word 'awesome' a lot. It's been absorbed into my vocabulary. My work friends are awesome - been spending more time than I've ever done with the members of my department - there's been a lot of shared moments and conversations. It's been interesting this year. 

What's also been interesting? Photo walks... I love taking photos. I don't have the patience or the interest in processing them but I do love taking them. Went to the last walk of the year to the Wild Fowl Trust on the 17th December. Met new people (some of whom know of the blog!), got to hold a macajuel, took lots of photos:

Nature is fabulously beautiful. 

Am giving thanks for what I have and reflecting on what I want... it's just that time of year. Solstice is a part of it but only a small part. 

How are you celebrating your holidays? What moves you? Who do  you spend it with? Who do you want to spend it with? 

I've been thinking that there are so many choices a person can make. I'm content with mine at the moment. Feeling a bit stagnant - knowing there needs to be a shaking-up of sorts soon. I'm concentrating on being happy in the here-and-now. 

Merry Christmas to you... or Season's greetings... or if you don't celebrate anything - all my love.

peace,

Ren 

Father's Day... Wedding Day... Holiday... Solstice...

"How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives." ~Annie Dillard

It's Tuesday, day after the holiday, and apparently I look very tired-out. I need a weekend to recover/recharge from my weekend! Whilst very hectic and whilst now I do feel the need for sleep it was most wonderful in a fulfilling-life kind of way.

Father's Day was this Sunday... my dad is... indescribable. He drives me crazy. CRAZY. I love him dearly. We are most alike in nature (my mom says this all the time - she doesn't alway mean it in a good way). He's taught me a lot. I've recently come to realise that I have a lot of relationship issues because of my dad... both good and bad of course... for example, I'd really appreciate (re: expect) my partner to have skills of a practical handy-man nature - if I can use/operate basic tools (hammer, screwdriver, drilling machine etc) then you should be able to as well... I also have major trust issues in relationships which started off because of my dad. Ah well.

All week leading up to Father's Day he kept telling me that Sunday was Father's Day... which was of no help since I am able to read a calendar but not able to mind-read what he wanted for Father's Day... I got him a gift... he somewhat liked it... made lunch, told him he was skilled and I appreciate him as my dad. Then we went our separate ways... me to Wedding, him to Redbull Flugtag designing.   

Wedding (not mine) was most epic. Bride was stunning, groom was close-to-stunning (lol), wedding speech (written by moi & another girlfriend, presented by two other girlfriends) was well-received, food was good, after-wedding-party was excellent (dance, dance, baby!). All around good times were had on Sunday night. Best wishes, much love, continued happiness to my girl and her new hubby... I hope that all now you are thoroughly enjoying your honeymoon.

Monday was the day I wanted sleep - thankfully it was a holiday... in a half-daze I made lunch... then went up to Mount St. Benedict with my mom and brother and group. It's a beautiful place... quiet... a place where one can sense the stillness. We had a most delicious afternoon tea at the Pax Guesthouse and then spent a rather long time ole-talking on their verandah. As I type this I realise that I have a lot of photos to put up on the Flickr photostream...

Today is Tuesday, day after the holiday, longest day of the year, first day of summer (if there is summer in your country). It occurs to me that in some part of the world it may be the beginning of winter? I'm not sure and am feeling fuzzy today so there is no research to be done at the moment. If you want ideas to celebrate today though some can be found here.

peace & happy Tuesday to you,

Ren