Good Friday / The Wedding pt 2

"How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then to rest afterwards." ~Spanish Proverb

It's been a very lazy day for me. I've rested and napped and overall did not do all that many productive things. Sometimes I think the best thing one can do is nothing. Or something that does not take much effort or is enjoyable or is unrelated to whatever you've been working on for some time. 

I did go with my aunt by her seamstress who will be sewing the slip and blouse and pleats of our saris for The Wedding. I'm fairly pleased that I won't have to think about clothes coming up to The Wedding because they would already be ready. It's interesting that now we've moved into a time where instead of wrapping our own saris and making our own blouses/slips we can pass that on to a seamstress who will do just as good a job... and who will sew the saris such that they are easy to put on and wrap. The seamstress seems to have her own specific ideas of how our saris should be and I'm fine letting her figure it out - I just want to be comfortable wearing it when I have to. 

It's been a good day... restful - which is definitely something I needed. 

Happy Good Friday world!

peace,

Ren

The Wedding pt 1 - Shopping for clothes

"The more I know you, the more I want to know you more." ~Roy Lessin

My cousin is getting married in July. It is going to be a weekend of festivities with both Hindu and Christian ceremonies. It is going to be huge. It is going to be fun. We (I've got lots of family - aunts, uncles, cousins and more) are all excited. 

July is not that far away and so I've decided to get a move on with shopping for clothing for The Wedding. The cute guy and I went to look at Indian wear... saris and shalwars and the like. There is a lot of stuff to look at and try on. There should be a lot of haggling... but I'm not great at haggling. The cute guy is a giant and finding stuff in his size is a bit of a challenge. I'm fairly short and finding stuff in my size is a bit of a challenge. It's interesting that we seem to have the same amount of difficulty in finding proper fitting clothing and footwear. 

We did find stuff though. I've bought myself a sari that I now have to carry to a seamstress to get sewn. The cute guy now has a kurta. We didn't go with the intention to buy anything but... since we found stuff that suited both of us we went ahead and bought them. He is fun to shop with and to be with. 

I have a date for The Wedding! We shall be beautifully dressed... at least for the Hindu ceremony... have yet to figure out the other outfit I'll wear.

peace,

Ren

Thoughts after a busy weekend..

"If you nurture your mind, body, and spirit, your time will expand. You will gain a new perspective that will allow you to accomplish more." ~Brian Koslow

I'm one of those people that wishes, with all my heart and soul, that weekends (whether they're after Friday... or somewhere in the middle if you don't work Monday to Friday) would last for three days. I've always found myself extremely busy on weekends. In fact I haven't had one weekend since sometime in early May that I've not been busy. I would like a three-day weekend to have that extra day to recuperate. Please? I'm just saying it would be great. 

It could be said of course that I'm the one making myself busy... but I'm filling those two days with everything that can't be done during the rest of the week... like attend weddings (because most people have their weddings on the weekend), coordinate/attend limes, like house stuff (cooking/cleaning/shopping.. yes, shopping)... weekends are just generally very busy. 

Interesting points this weekend? 

Crazy, Stupid, Love - funny, sad, happy film .. with Steve Carell (who is fun), Ryan Gosling (and according to one of my girl people: Ryan Gosling's abs - they deserved their own credit), Emma Stone (who I'm developing a big like for and who was most excellent in Easy A), Julianne Moore and Kevin Bacon. Saw it with my girl people... thought it was most excellent in a makes-you-think kinda way.

Bridal Registry Shopping - I've never done it for a local (re: Trinidad and Tobago) wedding ... I usually buy personal-type gifts but this one was on behalf of the family and etcetera so bridal registry shopping at Excellent Stores (I'm sorry if you click on the link and get startled by the music... it happened to me - it could happen to you). It's nothing like bridal registry shopping in foreign (re: not Trinidad and Tobago) where one can go on-line, see the gift list, select gift, include card and pay. Nope. One has to go to the store, obtain a list from a CSR, hope that the item which you select from the list is available (I went through six items - being told each time that they were out of stock [what was actually said was 'no, we doh have dat' or 'it finish']), finally select an item, find it wherever it is in the store and bring it back to the Bridal Gift Registry counter where you can then fill out a card, and get told to go pay for it by the cashier. Fun times. 

Went to a cooking night with my dad. I'm not usually one to go to weddings and related wedding events unless I have to.. found myself there because my dad did not want to go by himself (he was the main person invited - it was his work colleague's son that was getting married). Apparently (according to my dad) when you have children they're supposed to do whatever you want them to because if you bring them into the world then you can take them out of it (I must remember this if I ever have children). Tassa music was good, food was good, dancing was entertaining. I realised that digital cameras are Very Popular... every Tom, Dick and Harrylal has one. I have one. I'm picky about what I take photos of though... am not going to take photos of what-was-once-sacred-but-now-I'm-not-quite-so-sure wedding rituals. Not everyone has that issue.

Had breakfast today at Woodford Cafe (Price Plaza) - it was excellent - I recommend. I now have an MBA.. perhaps I should have done a post on that all by itself? I'm still processing.. official results came out earlier this week and my facebook status a few days ago read: "Has an MBA... now what?" ... because really.. now what? one phase ends and another to begin. Overwhelming feeling of relief that it's over. Had breakfast with my group of MBA people... because one's flying off to Dubai tomorrow and another is 8 months pregnant and who knows when we'll get to meet up (graduation?) and say 'Yay! We did it!'... today was that day and over breakfast and 3.5 hours we discussed our classes and whew, that's over!, what we want to do now - PMP certification? I'm thinking YTT certification, the state of the country and where it's going, the state of our lives... and where we're going. I'm processing, they are as well.. and it helps to meet up as a group to do it. 

Went to a wedding this evening with my mom. Was tired and it was LOUD. I've never understood why people seem to think that very loud = good... If I can't hear myself speak then a place is too loud. That's not good for your health - I'm sure. My mom initially wanted to go, then did not want to go, then I convinced her to go (cuz it's family [pumpkin-vine but still family] and also friends), then she said okay but we'd stay only a little while. We ended up staying about 5 hours... FIVE(-ish)... coming down to the end I left and went by my cousin (who lives 4 houses away from the wedding house - could still hear the music CLEARLY) to ole-talk/sleep/wait on my mother. Oy. The bride was beautiful, the place was lovely, the food was good. My cousin asked if I'm seeing anyone (no? I haven't found anyone to 'see'..), what I plan to do now (um... ) and other such questions. It's a day to think about life and marriage and career and just what I want to do apparently. 

I have vague inklings of a clue. I think I shall start making lists tomorrow. 

Hope you all had a lovely weekend.

peace,

Ren

Thoughts on marriage...

"Marriage is not a ritual or an end. It is a long, intricate, intimate dance together and nothing matters more than your own sense of balance and your choice of partner." ~Amy Bloom

Every lunchtime when we're at work... and we're able to get to the kitchen/lunchroom between the hours of 12.10 - 1.10... and we're able to snag the remote, Shoeaholic and I try to watch Oprah. Of course, as the world knows, there is no more Oprah... just Oprah reruns which is fine for me since I haven't seen all the episodes (I'm not as dedicated a fan as Shoeaholic).

 

Today's rerun was the show that aired on January 28th this year - Love, Marriage, Betrayal: Our Most Memorable Couples Return and whilst we didn't see the entire episode we did see that part which featured David and Elizabeth Weinlick. Apparently David, at age 28, decided that it was time to be married... he set a date, bought rings and picked a location ... then asked his friends to find him a bride, which they did and so he got married. David and Elizabeth Weinlick are still together, have four children and looked fairly happy (though I don't know whether that was cuz they are happy or cuz they were on Oprah).

 

David Weinlick (and yes, that surname makes me smirk a bit) has real balls... and by that I mean that he has real belly... and if you still don't know what I mean - David Weinlick is pretty darn brave...

 

I don't think I can do that... I'd like to say that I have faith and full trust in the workings of the Universe. I'd like to say that yes, I can put it out there that I want a husband and that I'll get one. I'm not quite there yet. In fact... the thought of marriage scares me a bit. I don't personally know that many happily-married-people. I'm also not sure that I could live happily-ever-after with one person... I'm just not sure of the whole marriage thing... I can see myself in a relationship... and I know that if I ever decide to have children that I'd want a male person there for them... but marriage. Wow. Idk.

 

Last month one of my best girlfriends got married... she's always known that she wanted to be married... most of my girl friends know with all their heart that they want to be married. I don't. What is 'marriage' anyway? I'm happy for my friends when they get married simply because I know that's what they want.. and weddings are pretty...

 

Incidentally, last week Friday during breakfast my mom looked at my dad* and said "I think we should find a boy for Renee to get married to"... both my dad and I were like: O_o WHAT??? because this isn't something that my family pushes for... it's accepted that my brother and I will do whatever we want to do in our own timing. There's been no push for marriage, or grandbabies, or .. well that's it really. It turns out my mom wants something to look forward to (wedding planning for a wedding)... which is a different thing entirely from wanting me to get married right?

 

In any case... who would I get married to? Perhaps it's that I'm not looking but at the same time I'm not exactly seeing/meeting/finding any males that want to get married... and I think if I married a woman my mom would freak out just a little bit (and then accept my wife? into the fold)... of course I'm not sure if I can marry a woman in T&T... I like men more anyway.

 

Marriage. Just the thought of it is scary...

 

peace,

Ren

* Yes, I live at home with my parents.. as do most persons my age..

Father's Day... Wedding Day... Holiday... Solstice...

"How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives." ~Annie Dillard

It's Tuesday, day after the holiday, and apparently I look very tired-out. I need a weekend to recover/recharge from my weekend! Whilst very hectic and whilst now I do feel the need for sleep it was most wonderful in a fulfilling-life kind of way.

Father's Day was this Sunday... my dad is... indescribable. He drives me crazy. CRAZY. I love him dearly. We are most alike in nature (my mom says this all the time - she doesn't alway mean it in a good way). He's taught me a lot. I've recently come to realise that I have a lot of relationship issues because of my dad... both good and bad of course... for example, I'd really appreciate (re: expect) my partner to have skills of a practical handy-man nature - if I can use/operate basic tools (hammer, screwdriver, drilling machine etc) then you should be able to as well... I also have major trust issues in relationships which started off because of my dad. Ah well.

All week leading up to Father's Day he kept telling me that Sunday was Father's Day... which was of no help since I am able to read a calendar but not able to mind-read what he wanted for Father's Day... I got him a gift... he somewhat liked it... made lunch, told him he was skilled and I appreciate him as my dad. Then we went our separate ways... me to Wedding, him to Redbull Flugtag designing.   

Wedding (not mine) was most epic. Bride was stunning, groom was close-to-stunning (lol), wedding speech (written by moi & another girlfriend, presented by two other girlfriends) was well-received, food was good, after-wedding-party was excellent (dance, dance, baby!). All around good times were had on Sunday night. Best wishes, much love, continued happiness to my girl and her new hubby... I hope that all now you are thoroughly enjoying your honeymoon.

Monday was the day I wanted sleep - thankfully it was a holiday... in a half-daze I made lunch... then went up to Mount St. Benedict with my mom and brother and group. It's a beautiful place... quiet... a place where one can sense the stillness. We had a most delicious afternoon tea at the Pax Guesthouse and then spent a rather long time ole-talking on their verandah. As I type this I realise that I have a lot of photos to put up on the Flickr photostream...

Today is Tuesday, day after the holiday, longest day of the year, first day of summer (if there is summer in your country). It occurs to me that in some part of the world it may be the beginning of winter? I'm not sure and am feeling fuzzy today so there is no research to be done at the moment. If you want ideas to celebrate today though some can be found here.

peace & happy Tuesday to you,

Ren

Thoughts about life, death and in-between...

"How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?" ~Satchel Paige 

I can't seem to get my mind to settle... birthday jitters? lack of sleep due to new kitten? hormones? I can't get my mind to settle. Tomorrow I have to hand in the last of the MBA stuff... I'm anxious about it - I just want it to BE OVER ALREADY! Perhaps tomorrow evening I'll be more at ease? Am [somewhat] hopeful.

The birthday's on Thursday. When I say how old I'll be out loud it sounds like a lot but I don't feel that it is (most times... other times I feel.. creaky). My brother has a theory (or maybe it's not his theory and is some random psychological something he picked up somewhere) that the older you get the shorter the day/month/year seems... because you have more life experience to compare your current life experience with and therefore the fraction would get tinier as you age... so that for a young person they'd feel as though their year was a long time because they wouldn't have much life experience to compare it too but for an older person a year would seem to be a shorter span of time because of the amount of life experience. It's an interesting theory. 

Our new kitten is about 2 months old - he has a lot of energy... he's somewhat needy (though I hear that's cuz he's a male...). It's interesting to see him discover the world... he's very curious - I wonder if I was the same. Was I needy? demanding? in need of constant attention? accepting? He's much less skittish than when we first got him. I feel slightly grumpy that I can't speak 'cat' as he's just leapt onto my lap, settled in and started talking... I know not what you say kitten. It makes me think about what we knew as a child... what we've learnt over the years... what we may have forgotten. 

Went to a wedding this weekend. A Hindu wedding of the sister of a friend. I got hit on by a guy that was maybe 8 - 10 years younger than me... apparently I look younger than him. Meh. I've always thought that I didn't want to get married or do the wedding thing (I think it's really more practical to spend money to buy a house than to spend it on having a wedding... if one can do both then that's amazing)... I find myself thinking now that I won't mind getting married. I find myself thinking whoa... why would I want to get married?! Is it that persons my age (and younger.. and older) are getting married? Is it a biological clock thing that has suddenly made an appearance? I won't mind being married (which is really not the same as I want to be married... just that I'm somewhat open to the idea now whereas 5 years ago... even 1 year ago... I'd have said no way... marriage + me = No). I find myself thinking of what a wedding (if I had to have one) would be like... It doesn't help that the Royal Wedding is the day after my birthday.. I'm happy for them as I'm happy for anyone that's taking such a step... it makes me think about myself though... is that a step I want for myself?

Read about (& heard about) two deaths this weekend... I think this is an interesting time for someone to die - Easter... resurrection... spring. Hmm.

The first death is known worldwide. Sathya Sai Baba has passed away... left this realm to move on to wherever. He left his body on April 24th (yesterday... Sunday) and his funeral is expected to be held on April 27th (Wednesday). It's a *very big thing*... on par I'd think with the passing of Christ or Muhammad... because of his reach and his followers. I think it's going to be interesting to see how his followers react as well as how the world reacts. 

The second death is that of Carib Queen Valentina Medina who passed away on April 23rd (Saturday)... the Caribs are one of the First Peoples of Trinidad & Tobago... they were here when Christopher Columbus came... that we still have some semblance of a community and that such culture still exists is something to be grateful for. A release from  one political party says that: 

"Queen Medina, queen for the past 11 years, represented the purity and soul of our First People. She worked assiduously to promote the philosophy and history of the great Carib community. Even though she was soft spoken she always made her passionate views heard. She epitomised the concept of religious and cultural diversity in Trinidad and Tobago, a feature for which she was well known,"

I wonder sometimes what people will say of me when I die.

I wonder what people say of me whilst I'm alive.

I wonder if it matters in any way.

Currently contemplating,

Ren

Things I want to write...

"In your garden of dreams many things will blossom" ~ Fortune Cookie (that I got twice ... from separate chinese food places)

Title of this blog post suggested by my cousin... cuz I couldn't think of anything. I'm not even sure what I want to write really. It's been a hectic two days of sightseeing, wedding organising and emotional family drama. I'm still confused with the time/dates (it is Tuesday right?)... and I'm tired yet relaxed... lol...

California - or Orange County, California - is pretty... apparently I brought a warm spell with me cuz it's been rainy/gloomy here till I got here - good thing for me cuz otherwise I'd have frozen. I've been sightseeing a [little] bit... Been down to CDM? Costa del Mar I believe - beach beach baby. I've been to Dana Point (and am going there tomorrow as well) - freezing cold sea water... pretty beach front. I've been to Rogers Gardens (which can totally be compared to any of those garden places seen on HGTV!) and seen flowers and plants and water features. I'm so not into the whole movie-star hunting, Hollywood-visiting tourist thing. I like nature places... and luckily there are a lot here. Californians take care of their spaces. I also visited a memorial park - it's not very far from where I'm staying (my aunt went to exercise - needs to shed a pound or two to fit into the dress she's planning on wearing to the wedding). Apart from this... I now know where the local stores (Target...Marshalls....Michaels...Joanne's... food places) are. 

Wedding organising is ... interesting? Hectic - there are a lot of little things to get done in a little space of time. My dress (I'm a bridesmaid!) has been carried to a guy to get altered (hemmed - I'm short... *sigh*) - am sure it will be done well - it's a cute old asian guy that's gonna be doing it. I got a new pair of shoes as well... tall-ish... very stable (would not do to wobble or worse during the procession). I got a pedicure with my aunt :) We've also been getting decorations/wedding favours/bridesmaid & groomsmen stuff... weddings are a lot of work. 

Have been thinking about that - my cousin has been waffling - wedding is on - then off - then on. There's a lot of stuff going on that I'm not getting into. It has made me think about my own perspective on marriage and .. mates. I don't think people should get married unless they're sure that they'll be supported and can provide support to their partners. I also think people need to know themselves before they're ready to share themselves with others. Am not sure how many people do this though. It's perhaps why I'm not partnered up with anyone at this time. I like being on my own... and I haven't met anyone that I think will understand/support me in the way that I want. I'm also not sure that I can handle sharing my life at this time either.

I think just being here and involved with this bit of family drama is making me re-evaluate myself - my thoughts on relationships and partnerships. It's perhaps a bit more than expected on this trip but I'm taking it as a learning experience. 

Highlights of trip so far:

• Walking along the beach and freezing my toes in the waters of the Pacific
• Total amazement at the size and awesomeness of Rogers Gardens
• Jacuzzi - need I say more?
• Finding the same fortune - message from the Universe? (playing the numbers in the lottery)
• Finding a memorial to a guy younger than me :S
• Baby yarn :)
• Perfect pair of shoes
• Tiny Asian guy calling me short

peace,

Ren

Travelling Karma - Holy mother I am in California!

"The way is not in the sky, the way is in the heart. For the traveler who knows his direction, there is always a favorable wind." ~Stuart Avery Gold

I have no idea what time it is... while I can look at the clock here and it says it's 9:39 my body clock is off. I'm still working on Trini time (it's 1:39am - already Monday there). 

Travelling is an adventure and I like it :) It may be tiring but it's never frustrating to me... it's a bit of an adrenaline rush. I'm also lucky that I have really good travelling karma... and by that I mean that things flow smoothly for me... I've never had any kinda drama with flight delays or immigration. In fact, when I'm travelling locally (home sweet home) it's fairly easy for me to get taxis or buses or reach where I need to reach on time. I am blessed. Thank you Universe for the gift of good travelling karma. 

Without this gift, I'm not sure how smoothly my trip to California would have been. I was up at 4 am. Left home at 5 am (ok.. really that was the intent - left home at 5.15). Left Trinidad at 7.30 am. After that time got messed up for me. I think Miami is an hour behind due to daylight savings time? Anyway. Miami International Airport? Seriously huge. Whoever built that or is responsible for it needs to figure out a way to move people around quickly. It's a good thing I'm friendly - I made friends with a woman in the seat next to me (I know that she was born in Tobago but has been living in Florida for the past 16 years - this was her first visit back to T&T in that time - I don't however know the woman's name - somehow did not get  around to finding that out). Thank you Lady-Whatever-Your-Name-Was. Not only did she give me a book to read on my other flights (free book!!!) but she helped me figure out the complete craziness that is Miami International Airport. International visitors are required to clear customs and collect baggage and then recheck baggage before getting the connecting flight - this would be easy if the places to do this were within a few feet of each other. Unfortunately, they are miles apart (I swear - MILES). I only had a one hour window to do this as between landing time and boarding time for the next flight was one hour (I think?) ... Thankfully unknown lady helped me figure out where customs was ... where d baggage claim was... that I'd need to race towards my departing gate. Also, thankfully, I had a nice immigrations/customs person who was not in any way disturbed by my frantic bubbly-ness (frantic cuz I wasn't sure about the timing...bubbly-ness cuz he asked what was my purpose for being in the US and I excitedly started talking about wedding & being a bridesmaid & etc... ergh)... anyway luckily this all went smoothly. Where I nearly missed my connecting flight? MIA gates are MILES away from each other. I arrived at my departure gate (huffing and out-of-breath) just as final boarding was being called. Yay. 

Dallas/Fort Worth airport was much easier to handle. Had enough time to get from arrival gate to place with food to departure gate. Santa Ana/John Wayne airport? Even easier! Like I told my mom - MIA=XXX (huge) DFW=XX (not so huge= medium-sized) SNA=X (small - time taken from departing plane to getting baggage and ready to leave airport? 10 mins max). 

The flights themselves? Pretty good... Flying is ok (and pretty - I like looking out of the windows and seeing the clouds below). Taking off and Landing? Not so ok... but manageable. 

Today my aunt took me down to the beach for a brief walk (we were on our way to church)... amazingly beautiful and there'll be pics to prove it on my flick account sometime in the future. Was surprised to find out that it's a pretty serious church-going area (today is Sunday - a lot of people were at different churches we passed along the way). Also went down to Chinatown in LA - didn't find what we were looking for really but it was good sight seeing... I like that the US is so huge... strange? idk... it seems like everything goes on forever.

We've been ole-talking too. In a way it's like being with my mom (I'm staying with my mom's youngest sister - her daughter's getting married!!!)... and in a way it isn't. It's when I'm away that I realise just how close I am to my immediate family (mom/dad/brother) cuz I'll find something I want to show/tell them and they're not here to share with. Ah well. 

So. I'm in California... It's amazing so far. :) 

Highlights of trip to date:

• Racing through MIA towards departure gate - comfortable shoes ftw! (stopping to ask airport personnel for help and having them go 'oh u're a trini! yes i'm sure we can get u through the lines faster! bless them cuz otherwise i'd never have made it)
• Broccoli-cheese soup and a fruit plate from TGIF in DFW (cuz of course I must mention food)
• Getting to SNA and realising that from getting off plane to getting baggage = < 10 mins
• Bridesmaid dress that fits like a dream (except that it needs hemming - I be short)
• View of the Pacific ... Oh wow!
• Serene peacefulness in a Mormon church
• Smelling soap at Marshall's
• Dragons painted on the road as crosswalks in Chinatown
• Talking with girl cousin about wedding plans

I totally encourage travelling - even if you have to just cross the road and visit a neighbour - do it. 

peace,

Ren

Kinda.. sorta.. in-between?

"A traveler am I, and a navigator, and every day I discover a new region within my soul." ~Kahlil Gibran

I'm feeling a bit .. hazy. Not quite sure how to describe it. Tomorrow I leave for California - it's an all-day travelling experience from Piarco to Miami to Dallas to Santa Ana. It takes me back 4 hours in time... California is apparently 4 hours behind us. Am excited/thrilled/happy to be travelling and going somewhere new and meeting up with people... at the same time I'm anxious/tired/stressed cuz I'm wondering what's gonna happen here with my family and tired cuz it's been very hectic getting tickets (which increase in price constantly) and organising funds and arranging for leave and stressed cuz it's new... yes I do like meeting new ppl and old ppl that are new cuz I haven't seen them in so long but it's still somewhat stressful to me.

Yesterday was the anniversary of my grandma's death (on my mom's side) - I'd never have remembered if my brother hadn't been grumbling that my mom had been moody all day and then she grumped that well it was the day of her mom's death so she was allowed to be grumpy. I don't remember death days. Birthdays -yes... anniversaries - sometimes... death days? barely. It feels kinda strange to be going to a wedding now of my cousin who was close to my grandparents and not have them be there. Time passes and we forget yet remember.

It's also the 60th anniversary of my secondary school... Holy Faith Convent (Couva) was the first secondary school in Central Trinidad... my mom, her sisters, my cousins and I have gone there... Last night on the news they were showing clips of the school and students and etc. I remember what it was like to go there, the classes and the uniforms and the friendships. I had, I think, a pretty calm school life... very little drama, lots of fun days... When you're in them you think of what's ahead and it's only when it's gone that you wish you'd taken the time to treasure it more.

I'm in a mood. Nostalgic? Hmm.. maybe. Saving up the energy to fully enjoy and appreciate the next two weeks away from work and home. The thing about it is that I would enjoy it just as much if my home ppl were going too. Ah well.

I'm gonna be a bridesmaid ;)

peace,

Ren

Ramblings of a tired person - a tale of crying... California... and being cut.

"Here is the test to find whether or not your mission on earth is finished: If you are alive, it isn’t." ~Richard Bach 

It's 12:26 am and I'm blogging. Why? Because I've got ideas of blog posts floating around in my head and the longer I leave it the longer the eventual post will be. As it is now I'll try to keep it short due to the late hour and the fact that I have to be up early to organise breakfast & lunch and [try to] get to work on time.  

I'm coming off of a dark weekend - in the sense that there was a lot of stress and crying and emotional drama - not necessarily all mine though I still felt drawn into it. While experiencing Friday night ,in particular, I kept thinking of the term 'dark night of the soul' - some searching can get you a better idea of what that is if you're curious. My mama was most unwell. If you've been following this blog you'll know she's been doing chemo, if you haven't been - my mom's doing chemo. Cancer sucks people.. as do the side-effects brought on by treatment. If you're healthy now, then really, do your best to stay that way. My mom is a random case - we're vegetarian, she doesn't smoke or do alcohol, she exercises [somewhat] - I guess it's just karma...which in this case is a bitch. Or maybe there's some reason for her having to experience these experiences... whatever it is we don't know. What I do know is that it's hard being a cancer co-survivor (the term given to people that support cancer survivors) though I'm sure it's much harder being a cancer survivor. It is hard to see someone you love in pain and not be able to do something about it.. besides provide what comfort you're capable of. Sometimes just being there is not enough when the person you're being-there-for is crying and in pain and questioning life and what it's about. Add that to the fact that I was *still* working on the dissertation (down-to-the-wire with that - though I've handed it in I'm still not sure it makes sense) and Friday night - seriously energy-draining.

Saturday and Sunday? Not so bad. Though I did have some issues with my dad - am actually not quite sure what's happening with us as we usually get along/understand each other fairly well - it's just that he's aggravating the cheerfulness out of me. Idk what's going on there.

On a happy note though... I'm going to be a bridesmaid! My cousin's getting married! and perhaps it's the fact that I'm female that the thought of a wedding instantly cheers me up some? I've had to wrangle with my supervisor and the HR department (sometimes HR is evil) to get my vacation leave (which is legally mine! not sure why there was wrangling needed in the first place! hmph). I do have leave though.. and so I'm off to California next week. Wedding! It's so much more exciting to find out about flights and transportation and where we'll stay (two of my other cousins are going as well) and what we'll be doing and what we'll wear than to do normal stuff... like work. Though I am trying to do the cleaning of my room thing as part of a yay-I'm-going-to-California! type thing. 

My only anxiety about this event? Strapless bridesmaid dress. I have no muscles. Not even a hint. I distinctly  remember back in 2009 having fabulously defined [but not too defined] muscles. Then...2010...a year filled with office work + working towards an MBA. Can a person get cut in 5 days? Can a person get a hint of muscle tone? *Sigh* I am flab. I shall be the pocket-sized flabby bridesmaid. Ergh. Oh wait..I shall be the pocket-sized flabby bridesmaid with goosebumps... apparently it's about 12 degrees celsius there... 12... I start losing functionality at 17... *sigh* Anyway... I shall be packing clothes for layering - because really...Wedding! In California! With family I haven't seen in ages! - it's funny how you can go without seeing people for years and then when you do you fall back in as if you'd seen them yesterday...

So. Hello adventure! Goodbye drama! I know there'll be some another time again but it's ok... and if you're reading this mom - seriously nothing to be sorry about - I love you. 

peace,

Ren

Hump Day...

"If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you." ~Jesus (The Gospel of Thomas/Gnostic Gospels) 

In a strange way I guess it's appropriate that I'm posting on a Wednesday after not posting for some time. What is 'hump day' you ask? It's that day (usually Wednesday if you're working a regular Monday - Friday job) that represents maximum hope that yes, you just might manage until the weekend... and freedom from the job and routine. It's that bit of relief of getting over the hard bits... and so I'm using it in a broad sense... today is hump day and hopefully things will get better from here.

I've not written for three weeks approximately... and I know this because I've been keeping track of my Saturdays (Saturday being my last busy day and Sunday being my only free day). The first Saturday I missed I also skipped class. I woke up feeling decidedly unwell... rolled over and sent a text msg to my dad saying "I'm not going to school today". If I ever decide to skip class or work or anything remotely responsible I alert my dad first... mostly cuz he is of the very focused and responsible type and panics when he realises I'm not up and about and getting ready to do whatever (is panic too strong a word? ...I don't think so). So, although I've not missed ANY classes at all in this MBA program the first thing I do is reassure my dad that it's ok... I can skip class... people do it all the time... 100% attendance is not required. That was my first Saturday... I wasn't feeling well... I was home alone though I can't remember where everybody was at this point and I found myself crying over the kitchen sink... something is either very wrong or very right when you find yourself crying over soapy dishes. All I can say is it wasn't all very right... though I can't identify what exactly is the matter... problem ... issue? By the time everyone got home I was mostly better... walls up and of course I'm fine. I'm not good at sharing emotions... or rather sharing MY emotions... I can help people with their emotional issues... sympathize and empathize... when it comes to my own drama I'm not great at letting people in... is it that I'm so focused on being strong and being there (and of course you can lean on me and yes I can take care of it) that has made the walls? Self-analysis is hard to do and it often gets swept away in the daily drama that is life on the material plane... That Sunday was my girl Andrea's official bridal shower (the one with her mom and relatives and no stripper)... It was fun-filled with much laughter and tears and oh my god she's getting married! Games and gifts and wishes for marital bliss (I think there will be much of that).

Cookies for d bride & bridesmaids

The second Saturday was the wedding... yes, this means that I skipped class again (yes, my dad was not happy upon learning that  - though he did try to pretend it didn't bother him). I was a bridesmaid! Lol... My first wedding I was involved with since being a flower girl when I was young (5? 6?)... It was beautiful... The bride was radiant (I'm not just saying that cuz she is my friend... Overwhelming happiness tends to shine through)... The groom was radiant in a masculine way (am not sure what you say about grooms but he was happy too)... the ceremony and the reception went well... we didn't cry (much? I admit to having teary eyes.. am not sure about the others)... the dancing and party (reception... lol) was amazing. I guess it shall now be the wedding we measure all weddings against. And we played tassa... lol... I believe I mentioned in a previous post that we were learning to play as a sorta-surprise-gift... we learnt... we played... we were well-received (we even got people telling us they'd hire us!) lol .. it was a good day/night... the Sunday was mostly spent recuperating...

Me: tassa-playing bridesmaid.

The third Saturday - I dragged myself out of bed (I really wanted to skip class!)... It's been pretty rainy in the Caribbean and the day before (Friday 30th July), for the first time in my entire life, we get real flood. All mih neighbours' houses get flooded. Luckily, we didn't... we're prepared in a way... As I understand water flowed over our fence and into the yard ... the whole street was underwater... it doesn't help to live in a valley in a hilly area... I've got no pics - I missed the great flood of 2010 (hopefully there shall be no more) because I was at work. By the time I got home the waters had receded and there was just mud everywhere. It's just been a really rainy weekend and a lot of Trinidad (haven't heard much on Tobago so I assume they didn't get badly flooded) got hit with floods... On the one hand I feel sorry... it is a disaster and there's loss of property and livelihood and food prices are gonna go up cuz crops got washed away... on the other hand I feel it is somewhat deserved... is that a harsh thing to say? Am not sure how many Trinis care about their impact on the environment and whilst we can't control the weather we should be able to control things like quarrying and deforestation and proper rubbish disposal. It bothers me and makes me grumpy..sad..annoyed. 

It was a long weekend as well... we got Monday off due to Emancipation ... any day off from work is a good day. Does it sound like I don't like my job? It's got good days and bad... I'm going out on the field more... interacting with persons more which brings its own set of positives and negatives... I feel stifled though and I don't think it's the job alone but coming back around to the crying over the kitchen sink episode... It's like I'm supposed to be doing something but I don't know what or how or where I should be... and today on Facebook a sister posts up a note... message from Tama:

"An unused gift is a keg of dynamite. It's dangerous. It leaks out and begins to poison you. It haunts your cells with a hoarse song, "use me or die, use me or die." Your gifts are powerful energy sources. It takes so much energy to hold back life. It hurts to choose smallness. It hurts to let yourself down in secret ways, muffling the cries that no one else hears. It hurts to resist the evolutionary instinct within you to grow, express, go beyond survival and thrive, and stake your one true place upon this planet."

 It resonates. I'm having some health issues and some soul issues and at the bottom of it I feel it's all connected. Am just not sure what it is that I need to be doing. What am I to share? Who am I to reach? I bleed and don't know why and try to ignore and pretend to myself and to others that I'm fine. I feel fragile and fragmented and really on some level wish that I could let go. With all that I've learnt shouldn't I be able to let go and trust that I shall be taken care of? Questions and thoughts and half-formed phrases and sentences floating around my head. Is it that I have to shatter.. fall to pieces before being whole? Strong urge to pack up and leave... live day to day as an adventure. Responsibilities... I wonder what it means to people... work + school + expectations? Crawling under my skin and I feel both very young and very old at the same time. 


Dark night of the soul and then hump day... 


Perhaps it will all get better from here? Perhaps I need words of advice? Perhaps I just need to stay home and get some sleep tomorrow. 


peace,
Ren