Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Ramblings of a tired person - a tale of crying... California... and being cut.

"Here is the test to find whether or not your mission on earth is finished: If you are alive, it isn’t." ~Richard Bach 

It's 12:26 am and I'm blogging. Why? Because I've got ideas of blog posts floating around in my head and the longer I leave it the longer the eventual post will be. As it is now I'll try to keep it short due to the late hour and the fact that I have to be up early to organise breakfast & lunch and [try to] get to work on time.  

I'm coming off of a dark weekend - in the sense that there was a lot of stress and crying and emotional drama - not necessarily all mine though I still felt drawn into it. While experiencing Friday night ,in particular, I kept thinking of the term 'dark night of the soul' - some searching can get you a better idea of what that is if you're curious. My mama was most unwell. If you've been following this blog you'll know she's been doing chemo, if you haven't been - my mom's doing chemo. Cancer sucks people.. as do the side-effects brought on by treatment. If you're healthy now, then really, do your best to stay that way. My mom is a random case - we're vegetarian, she doesn't smoke or do alcohol, she exercises [somewhat] - I guess it's just karma...which in this case is a bitch. Or maybe there's some reason for her having to experience these experiences... whatever it is we don't know. What I do know is that it's hard being a cancer co-survivor (the term given to people that support cancer survivors) though I'm sure it's much harder being a cancer survivor. It is hard to see someone you love in pain and not be able to do something about it.. besides provide what comfort you're capable of. Sometimes just being there is not enough when the person you're being-there-for is crying and in pain and questioning life and what it's about. Add that to the fact that I was *still* working on the dissertation (down-to-the-wire with that - though I've handed it in I'm still not sure it makes sense) and Friday night - seriously energy-draining.

Saturday and Sunday? Not so bad. Though I did have some issues with my dad - am actually not quite sure what's happening with us as we usually get along/understand each other fairly well - it's just that he's aggravating the cheerfulness out of me. Idk what's going on there.

On a happy note though... I'm going to be a bridesmaid! My cousin's getting married! and perhaps it's the fact that I'm female that the thought of a wedding instantly cheers me up some? I've had to wrangle with my supervisor and the HR department (sometimes HR is evil) to get my vacation leave (which is legally mine! not sure why there was wrangling needed in the first place! hmph). I do have leave though.. and so I'm off to California next week. Wedding! It's so much more exciting to find out about flights and transportation and where we'll stay (two of my other cousins are going as well) and what we'll be doing and what we'll wear than to do normal stuff... like work. Though I am trying to do the cleaning of my room thing as part of a yay-I'm-going-to-California! type thing. 

My only anxiety about this event? Strapless bridesmaid dress. I have no muscles. Not even a hint. I distinctly  remember back in 2009 having fabulously defined [but not too defined] muscles. Then...2010...a year filled with office work + working towards an MBA. Can a person get cut in 5 days? Can a person get a hint of muscle tone? *Sigh* I am flab. I shall be the pocket-sized flabby bridesmaid. Ergh. Oh wait..I shall be the pocket-sized flabby bridesmaid with goosebumps... apparently it's about 12 degrees celsius there... 12... I start losing functionality at 17... *sigh* Anyway... I shall be packing clothes for layering - because really...Wedding! In California! With family I haven't seen in ages! - it's funny how you can go without seeing people for years and then when you do you fall back in as if you'd seen them yesterday...

So. Hello adventure! Goodbye drama! I know there'll be some another time again but it's ok... and if you're reading this mom - seriously nothing to be sorry about - I love you. 

peace,
Ren

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