Solstice...

"Life is like an ever-shifting kaleidoscope, - a slight change, and all patterns alter." ~ Sharon Salzberg

Solstice today and I'm so very tired. Change is in the air. Cycles starting over... coming around again.

I'm grumpy and achy and have I mentioned tired? 

The mother is not doing that well... Sudden decline and we're now helping out much more than I ever thought we'd have to and I'm reading sites such as caring.com and agingcare.com. I'm thinking if I ever have my own space I'll outfit it such that when I'm older there won't be any drama if I need wheelchairs/lifts/easy access showers/whatever. I've realised that although the mother has gotten fairly scrawny (she's lost a *lot* of weight) she's still heavy for me...  my back aches like wow. I need to do some strength training. Lifting with the knees and whatever is not helping me in this case. 

The father is concerned and probably feeling his own mortality. He also seems to not realise that I'm doing as much in a day as he is... and with less sleep. I have been snappish with him tonight... some guilt cuz yes is my dad but... I'm tired. That should be capitalised. TIRED. I can't bring myself to feel overly bad about being snappish cuz in my opinion I was provoked. Meh. 

The brother is a rock... without him around I'd be much more snappish and also much more tired. We deal as well as we could. 

The workplace is ... Well, it just is. I'm gearing up for another round of quarrels because really? Enough. I'm tired... and dealing with somewhat incompetent people is not helping my energy level at all. 

The cute guy is... so much cuter. Oy. Bright spot. He makes me smile. Cute. Seriously cute. Oy. Too cute to be in such a grumpy post. 

I know I should talk to the girl ppl... or just talk to people. But. Meh. 

I want chocolate and hugs (especially from the cute guy but really all hugs are welcome) and a vacation... I'm gonna settle for a good cry and a hot water bottle and hopefully some hours of sleep. 

peace,

Ren

My brother is blogging...

"The word 'enlightenment' conjures up the idea of some superhuman accomplishment, and the ego likes to keep it that way, but it is simply your natural state of felt oneness with Being." ~Eckhart Tolle

It's my blog's birthday today... two years... wow. I haven't been writing much - been hiding from my computer when I'm not at work. Today is a day for writing though... if only because it's my blog's birthday!

This was the first post... and this, the one-year post. I find it interesting to read about what I've been doing and what space I was in at those points. I know that I've grown, changed, matured. I feel differently. My thoughts and emotions are more... settled? I guess I'm entering into a new stage of being... Age + experience + who knows what else.

My brother has started his own blog... you can find it here. It's... far more serious than anything I write as it's based on his perspectives and analysis of the Blue Star's forty day observances. I think he's more serious about transformation and enlightenment and such than I am. I'm content to move through my days experiencing what there is to experience.

I think that two years after the start of this blog I'm almost where I want to be with regards to living in the moment. Being present. Appreciating and celebrating the little things. There are moments of frazzled craziness... and sadness... and gloom... but... even within these moments I think in my core that I am centred.

Something that needs to be remembered. I'm feeling very awesome these days...

Happy Monday all!

peace,

Ren

Change of plans...

"There is no such thing as chance; and what seems to us mere accident springs form the deepest source of destiny." ~Friedrich Schiller

Sometimes I think the Universe is playing with us. 

Sometimes things aren't meant to be. 

Sometimes people will be disappointed whilst others will be filled with joy.
Sometimes you'll leave home intending to hear people sing and watch people dance ... and end up singing and dancing yourself. 

Sometimes you'll think you need a crowd when what you really need is the company of persons close to your heart.

Sometimes plans change...

Most times such changes in plans are for the better.

night,

Ren

Interesting Vid: Liza Donnelly: Drawing upon humor for change | Video on TED.com

Liza Donnelly: Drawing upon humor for change Video on TED.com

Adventure... Graduation... Travels

Note: I started writing this post on Saturday 15th May, 2010... it's only now being posted though...

"We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand - and melting like a snowflake." ~Marie B. Ray

I write this post whilst sitting up in bed in our room at the Doubletree Hotel in Mahwah, NJ... fabulousness on all levels... I find it somewhat amazing? exhilarating? just really great - that one day I can be in Trinidad doing everyday work ... life... being... and the next day be with my family (all ah we) in Mahwah... having champagne and dessert and celebrating my brother's graduation.

This post shall highlight the day before and the day of  my brother's graduation... my brother's graduated! From college! So many emotions to sit with just because of this event... Pride - cuz is mih brother and he's super-awesome. Magna cum laude ... Honours (spelt Honors here in America) with Distinctions... Happiness cuz is mih brother... and all of us (immediate family unit) was here to celebrate... witness... be a part of the event. Sadness... time passes... who knows what the future holds... Excitement... for that same reason... There's always the good side and the shadow side to every eventuality. In the past few days I've been super-happy and super-frustrated and it's all ok... it's the little moments and the big smiles that remain in memory. 

~~~~*~~~**~~~*~~~~

Day before Graduation 2010 (Thursday 13th May 2010)

Mom and I arrived at JFK sometime in the early hours of the morning... 6 am? maybe.. we were both sleepy cuz neither one of us sleeps well on planes. Customs and immigration and whatnot was a breeze - maybe we don't look threatening? We got through pretty quickly and then waited for dad to arrive. He came... along with taxi driver Michael Ng... who then took us all the way to New Jersey... much blessings to you taxi driver... for graciously dealing with semi-sleepy-hungry-directionally challenged Trinis... :) 

Met up with mih brother on campus... Hugs... ole talk... some quarrel... food & drink... walked around campus... Observed that they'd already set up tents and seating for Commencement / Graduation the following day... Got to visit the Honours Lounge... cuz my brother is an Honours student... am both inspired and mildly jealous...lol

Back at room... Tried to figure out how to put on his gown and hood and cords and whatnot (A trial run - who wants to figure that out the morning of the graduation?)... My brother and I came up with the theory that the original person to design these graduation outfits probably had something against graduates... How else can you explain the tassels and strange hoods? Later I found out that the outfits are based on what monks and such wore... oh well.. lol.. 

Took a nap. Sleep is important... especially as we had to go to a formal dinner that evening and a Graduation ceremony the next day. What I've noticed about these events? Trinis like to dress up more.. lol.. We'd only been told a few days before that we'd be attending this dinner and when I asked my brother what the dress code was... well. "formal", he said, "dresses? I don't know what women wear!" *sigh* It didn't matter that much anyway as we were covered up.. Have I mentioned that it's cold? Uncomfortably so for a warmth-loving girl from the islands... And being told that it's a mild spring day really doesn't create any kinda warmth.

Went to the formal dinner... "Champagne at Sunset"... Yes, we had champagne... there was dinner... there was a toast to the graduates. We were fairly pleased with our table as we got served in the first group of people... Random seating? The Universe was obviously on our side. Desserts galore and time spent together... yay! Lots of photos taken .. by dad, by myself... some by mih brother and mih mom... we've got pics to last a lifetime.. lol...

~~~~*~~~**~~~*~~~~

Day of Graduation 2010 (Friday 14th May 2010)
Parents wake up at a totally unreasonable hour (ok.. maybe it wasn't - I've got a policy though - when one does not have to wake up early one should be allowed to sleep late..). They'll say that they didn't wake us up but when there are people talking loudly in the next room and moving around and wondering about lord-knows-what then I don't find it easy to stay asleep or in bed. There were squabbles... typical family thing where parents say we not telling them what going on... brother says he done say all he have to say and is we who come up to see him graduate... I get stuck as peacekeeper a lot of times... I'm not quite sure I'm suited to it or if they realise that's the mode I fall into [am forced into].. peacekeeper and ruffled-feathers-smoother extraordinaire... I should put that on a business card. 


Eventually.. brother is with rest of graduates - we get told that his hood and gown looks pretty good (a.k.a. d way it supposed to look) - of course this means we rule! lol ... and of course amongst all the squabbling I've forgotten the camera... Can I just say that walking distances in hilly areas in high heels is not fun? Luckily for me (my feet!) - as I'm walking back to get the camera I find parents & brother's friend William on their way to be seated and yes... my dad's got the camera. Race back to my brother (still in heels) to take pics before the processional... hang out with him a bit and macco (eavesdrop) on other graduates-to-be and their conversations. Feel overwhelmingly... OLD. Snatches of conversations about parties and school and who's gonna do what now? *sigh* Hug brother and tell him I'll see him after he's graduated. 

Escape from throngs of graduates-to-be and head over to where parents are (18th row from the back according to my dad's text)... As I make my way across the lawn... raindrops. Umbrellas sprout up all around me and I reach my parents in time to magically whip my umbrella out of my bag and hold it over my mom. Not only is it cold ... it's now rainy as well. This was expected though and graduates-to-be were provided with two complimentary tickets for indoor seating where the ceremony could still be viewed. Where were the tickets? My dad's left them on the table. In the dorm. Who is the one able to move quickly and who actually knows the direction to go? Once again, I race off towards the dorm... in heels... uphill... and without my umbrella. 


First thing I do on entering the room - kick off heels.. my feet were revolting by then. Am lucky they were still functioning... Flip flops on feet... tickets in bag... I get my mom and she and I make our way to the indoor seating. Guys can fend for themselves. There's a huge screen where the ceremony is being projected and so we're able to see all that's happening on stage. Ceremony is beautiful... my brother is amongst the last groups of people to be called up on stage... my brother has graduated! And, we smuggled in (ok... I asked nicely) my dad and my brother's friend William so we all saw the graduation bit from warm, dry seating. 

After, it's all about food... for me anyway... for everyone else it was photo-ops and meet and greets and introductions to friends/professors/police guards.. Finally, we got away from the hordes of people and settle down to lunch. I must say thanks to William... Billy. Friend of my brother who came and spent the day with us, who helped my parents find where they had to be whilst I was with my brother, who carried us to the train station and our hotel later and who did not go crazy (at least there was no outward show) from being stuck with a bunch of Trinis.

Wind down at the end of the day and there is packing, planning, photo-take-outing...So much to do .. so little time to write about it..  so much to experience... so much time to just be. A different phase... shift... change. Where will we go now? How will we become?

My brother has graduated!


peace,
Ren