To the guy who saw me crying on the bus...

"A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles". ~Christopher Reeve

At least I wasn't sobbing? I suppose it must be a bit awkward to turn around and see someone with tears flowing but... ah well. 

The contents of my handbag today:

- wallet

- keys

- 1 lipstick

- 4 pens

- a notepad

- a mini umbrella

- my telephone bill (which I really must remember to pay tomorrow)

- my Kindle

No tissues whatsoever. No napkins. No handkerchiefs. I usually have but I'm not sure what happened today. It's always when you need stuff that stuff disappears. 

I didn't have my car today and it was the first time in quite some time that I had to use public transportation. Yay for air-conditioned buses! Yay also for cute guys who think Kindles make awesome birthday presents because, yes, they do. Having a Kindle means that I can have any amount of reading material with me at any given time... it is fabulous. 

Going up on the bus today, I finished reading the The Stories: Five Years of Original Fiction - I've been reading this collection of short stories over the past few weeks and now I'm done. Whilst waiting on persons for my meeting I started reading Losing Mom: a family's journey of transition, hope & perseverance... it's one of a few books on dealing with cancer and grief and self development that I had started reading before being sidetracked by scifi and fantasy short stories. It's an incredibly beautiful read; a story in which five siblings explore illness, loss, grief and acceptance of their mother's death. I think that each and every page reflected some emotion or thought that I have had myself. It's written from the perspective of the youngest sibling who, from the ages of eight through  twenty-one, had interviews with her siblings which let them learn to talk to each other about their grief and to discover their thoughts on how their mother's death affected life choices and shaped whatever decisions they made. It created a space for them to be supported and comforted.

My brother was eight when my mom was first diagnosed; I was thirteen. Many people have remarked on the fact that we are very close - I read this book today (yes, I finished it on the bus ride back to my office) and thought that our closeness is partly due to my mom's illness. To my stepping in where needed. To shared experiences of hospital visits and crazy treatments and the eventual knowledge that she had to move on. We haven't really talked about her life or her passing in any great detail... it's a conversation I think I'd like to have at some point. I'm not ready yet and before I get there I'll probably pass on this book... it's a really great read for anyone who has lost a parent.

Grief comes in waves... it simmers below the surface and then rises up when something triggers it - a car commercial or a book about siblings who have lost their own mother. In my heart I know she's with me but I miss having her physical presence around.

To the guy who saw me crying on the bus... it couldn't be helped.

peace,

Ren

The Unknown

"Face new challenges, seize new opportunities, test your resources against the unknown and in the process, discover your own unique potential." ~John Amatt

Something that's been coming up a lot in conversations and thoughts I've been having recently: how people face the unknown. What is the unknown? It's anything that is beyond our range of experiences, our knowledge and understanding. 

How do you face it? Where does this apply to you?

I've bought my tickets and will be going to Florida in October and Costa Rica in November. I'm having moments of 'what am I doing?! where am I going?! what will happen after?!' It's a leap of faith... believing that all will be well, that I'll be guided, that what will be - will be for the good. It's excitement and anxiety and butterflies. It's letting go of what no longer works for me and creating the space for something better.

Earlier I was thinking of what I wanted to write about and then I decided to look at television instead. Diners, Drive-ins and Dives was on and Guy was checking out Irazu - a place in Chicago that serves Costa Rican food. I think that when you step into the unknown with a positive attitude you are graced with little moments of serendipity. 

Some of my girl friends are having relationship issues. There are so many relationship issues one can have and I think that females (yes, I include myself here) over think each and every thing. I'm sure guys have their own ways of working through stuff but women over think. Head over heart because sometimes if you just go with the heart you can really get messed up. It's about finding a balance I think and really just figuring out what works and doesn't work, what makes one happy and what doesn't. 

I think facing the unknown is something that can be scary but that can allow us to evolve into a better version of ourselves. What do you think world?

peace,

Ren

p.s. all this thinking about the Unknown and my mind keeps circling around to the Unown... 

Thoughts on marriage, relationships and the sum of its parts...

"The important thing is not to think much, but to love much; and so, do that which best stirs you to love." ~Saint Teresa of Avila

I think that one of the best things about writing in a journal or on a blog is that there is a record of one's thoughts and feelings at various times in one's life. I've been rereading those posts I've done that mention marriage, relationships and thoughts on being single/not single. There are a fair number of them and I'm somewhat pleased that my thoughts on the subject are consistent with and yet a prelude to the thoughts I'm having now. 

A lot of people have been asking me about marriage and talking about that 'phase in life'. These people range from my very own girl people to the Guru to random people that I do not share my life story with. Too many people have brought up the subject and while I may be able to casually dismiss a few... it's been much more than 'a few'. I'm feeling somewhat as though the Universe is ganging up on me. 

What is the big deal with marriage? Why does everyone seem to want me to marry? Grr. I know I have a block of some sort... I'm a bit freaked out by the thought of marriage and I kinda mentioned that in this post. I seem to have spent a lot of time in 2011 thinking about what I'd like in a mate and becoming open to the possibility of marriage. In 2012 I started dating the cute guy (perhaps one day I'll do a post just on the cute guy). It is now 2013 and I find myself happily in a relationship that is empowering and supportive and fun and just lots of good stuff. I feel as though if I start thinking random thoughts on marriage that might mess this up. I'm not quite sure why I think that but... there you go. 

I am in a relationship with a guy that I'm perfectly happy with. I'm happy with the cute guy. I'm happy with the relationship as a whole. I'm not quite sure what the next step is here... so I'm thinking I just enjoy the moments. 

I'm not sure how marriage would make things better. I'm sure there are reasons lots of people are advocates of marriage. I wish I knew, in a deep knowing way and not just in an intellectual way, what those reasons were.

*sigh*

peace,

Ren

p.s. Any thoughts? Advice on marriage? Yay or nay? Yay? Nay? 

Resignation.

"Resignation, not mystic, not detached, but resignation open-eyed, conscious, and informed by love is the only one of our feelings for which it is impossible to become a sham." ~Joseph Conrad

Anxiety and doubt and the looming question of 'what on earth am I doing?!'...

Deep breaths.

A letter of facts and feelings.

A smile and then... 

Release. Freedom. A burst of overwhelming joy and the sun coming out from behind the clouds.

I've handed in my one month's notice... it's the first time I've ever had to. It feels like a big step but one that I know, now that I've taken it, was definitely meant to be taken.

Exciting times ahead.

peace,

Ren

Sick.

"Everything that happens to you is stored and reflected in your body. Your body knows; your body tells. The relationship of yourself to your body is indivisible, inescapable, unavoidable." ~Gabrielle Roth

I have been recovering from the flu... cold... virus? I'm never quite sure what it is - it started off with a sore throat early last week, turned into body aches, sneezing and a slightly scary temperature and is ending up with tired eyes and an overall feeling of almost-but-not-quite-better.

I took today off from work because my eyes would not allow me to leave home. I've mentioned this before on the blog (I think)... my eyes become super-light-sensitive when I'm ill. So much so that the barest hint of sunlight produces streams of tears. I've been in darkness most of this weekend. It may be because of my eyes that I find darkness to be soothing.

The cute guy seems to be in the beginning stages of whatever illness I'm recovering from. Is this part of being in a relationship? Is there a 50-50 rule? If I have an illness, there's a 50-50 possibility that he may or may not get it from me? Healing vibes to him because I know I've been miserable these past few days.

I've been thinking of my grandparents and my parents. As a little girl, whenever I got sick I'd be sent to my grandparents during the day... my sick days form the majority of the memories I have of my grandparents. Been thinking of my mom and how she handled her illness... and of my dad and how he's been handling mine.

I've been dreaming... it hardly ever happens or I rarely remember when I do. When I'm unwell it happens often. Day time dreams and night time dreams; vivid dreams that melt into wisps of dreams when my eyes open. 

It's time for more dreams for me.

Good night world, I've missed talking to you.

peace,

Ren

I am sleepy.

"You need a room with no view so imagination can meet memory in the dark." ~Annie Dillard

It's Wednesday and a lazy day at work (for me anyway). I feel somewhat as though I've been moving through the days like mist... separate but a part of the whole. Work has been crazy. Family is normal. Pets have had medical drama. Cute guy is ...growing cuter by the day.

I think September is going well. There's a wedding this weekend and a sports day. Busy, busy, busy and the mother says I should keep some days free. Hmm.

Inspiration and fabulousity for you and me:

• TED talk: Rachel Botsman: The currency of the new economy is trust
• O Magazine's 101 Best Pieces of Advice
• Famous Photographers: 225 tips to inspire you
• Incidental Comics: We are the introverts

peace,

Ren

Conversations with the Cat and etc...

"In the dim background of our mind, we know what we ought to be doing but somehow we cannot start." ~William James

I have a theory - our Cat is so vocal because we talk to him as though he's a person. He's perfectly capable of carrying out conversations - am sure at times he must be frustrated that we don't understand what he's saying but sometimes... sometimes we do. A conversation with Cat can go something like this:

Cat (as I exit the bathroom to find him curled up just outside the door):  Meow?
Me: Cat chile, why are you in front of the door?
Cat (as he gets up and starts walking towards the kitchen): Meow meow. 
Me: I already fed you! I've got to get ready to go to work!
Cat (in a disgruntled tone as he rubs up on my leg): Meow?
Me (as I try to maneuver past him to get to my room): I have to go to work to make money.
Cat (as he sits directly in front my room door): Meow?
Me: Because I need money to buy cat food!
Cat (in a somewhat pleased tone of voice): Mrrrr ... purrr. 

Of course he approves of me making money to buy cat food. 

Recently, a few people have told me that I've been very quiet. Fear not world... it's not that I stopped blogging but that I just stopped interacting. I'm not sure why... I've been... thinking? Contemplating? Stewing? Just being. 

I feel somewhat grumpy with the world and the family and life. I also feel somewhat happy with the world and the family and life. 

It's a weird space I'm in. 

No apologies. I think I've needed to drift... nothing negative, something positive. 

There's been a lot going on. 

Hope that all is well in your world. If you need a moment to yourself - take it. Even if it is just the one moment... stop, breathe, feel.  

peace,

Ren

Return

"Now is the time to know that all that you do is sacred." ~Hafiz

I'm in  a weird mood this week it seems. This may be due to lack of sleep (I'm finding it hard to sleep)... or due to work... the time of the month... the positions of the stars. 

I'm very fuzzy around the edges. 

Theme for September's NaBloPoMo was 'Return'... right now we're at the end then tomorrow we'll be at the beginning of another month - and around and around it will go. Life is cyclical. Seasons of ourselves, of nature, of all that surrounds us. We move out and we come back in again. 

I'm both pleasantly surprised and somewhat smug that I've managed to write something for every day this month. It's somewhat tiring though... coming up with content is sometimes so easy - it flows straight through as though I'm just a conduit... then again sometimes it's not so easy and I babble much as I'm doing now. At some point I want to read what I've written over this month... just to see what comes out of it.

I'm not certain as yet that I'll continue on and do NaBloPoMo in October. 

I guess I'll figure that out tomorrow. 

Happy last-day-of September!

peace,

Ren

Feels like a Friday...

"In a sense, as we are creative beings, our lives become our work of art." ~Julia Cameron

It's still Thursday.

Saw this tweet this morning: "Work. Be glad yuh have one". I'm glad I have a job - it helps me pay my bills - and today was a good work day though my back still aches and my eyes are tired. I'm beginning to think I'm more social than I thought I was. Impromptu departmental pizza lime. Good times. Ole talk. So what if the work is fairly soul-sucking? The people are interesting. 

Was impressed this evening by the amount of #PR9Anya tweets... that's support for Trinidad and Tobago's own Anya Ayoung-Chee the winner of tonight's Project Runway. She made it work. 'It' being US$11.50. Trinbagonians have skills... artistry and fashion sense. 

Not much else going on that I'm aware of... I'm thankful tomorrow is Friday. Been waiting for it since Monday. 

Night all...

peace,

Ren

Stretching and a Memory..

"Memory is a child walking along a seashore.  You never can tell what small pebble it will pick up and store away among its treasured things."  ~Pierce Harris

My back is aching in an 'I've-been-spending-*way*-too-much-time-doing-desk-work' type way. I'd just like to whine a bit about it. Cuz it hurts. So.. owww. I've tried stretching and bending in the opposite direction .. this works for short periods of time but then I usually have to sit and do work again which starts the cycle all over. Oww. Have I mentioned that it's been aching since Monday? Bleh. And also, Owww. 

In the midst of walking around yesterday trying to work out the kinks in my back, a memory came to me. When I was in Primary School (and therefore this memory is from somewhere between the ages of 8 - 10) there was a metal bar that we used to swing on... sorta like half of a pair of uneven bars. I remember it being very fun, very freeing and also a bit scary. I remember getting calluses on both palms because of the friction caused by swinging on the bar. I remember both the wind in my hair and the sun on my skin. A flash of memory - I had not thought about swinging or bars or even myself at that age in quite some time.

I feel like maybe that's what I need. Stretching out by hanging from a bar. 

Where can I find a bar to swing from? 

peace,

Ren

On Bullying..

"I've been actually really very pleased to see how much awareness was raised around bullying, and how deeply it affects everyone. You know, you don't have to be the loser kid in high school to be bullied. Bullying and being picked on comes in so many different forms." ~Lady Gaga

I'm not sure how I ended up on this blogpost: 'When It Doesn't Get Better: More Bullying, Another Suicide', but I did. I'm using the Lady Gaga quote because, as the post says, 'Jamey Rodemyer loved Lady Gaga'. Jamey Rodemyer was found dead of an apparent suicide last Monday morning and was, according to what I've read, a victim of bullying. He is one of many... boys and girls that decide to end their lives because of being bullied.

I find it heart-breaking and I don't understand how people can go so far to make someone feel so bad that the person would take their own life. What kind of person does this? Where does this person come from? What sort of background do they have? And most of all... what do they get from this? Any power that is received from doing such activities is useless - negative energy that comes back around... What has happened to 'do unto others...'?

It's strange that just last week we were talking about bullying in our lunch room.. I didn't have experiences to share but a lot of people did. To the best of my knowledge I've not been bullied or have not considered myself to be (unless I've blocked it out... I should ask my parents :s) ... I don't think my brother has either. I don't consider myself to be a bully...  How does one become a bully? Or how does one get 'chosen' to be bullied?

In this age where we are so connected... this age of instant messaging and access to people and their information - bullying is changing... it doesn't have to be up close and personal anymore. Or maybe it can get too personal. This excellent article by Melissa Ford states that, 'Bullying is not only becoming more prevalent, but according to the Telegraph, in England, cyberbullying has become the most common form of bullying ("How Common is Bullying" has equally scary statistics for the United States).'

We all need to look at ourselves and ask what we can do to make this better. Bullying affects us whether we experience it first hand or not.. whether we are the bully or the one being bullied. We need to educate ourselves and if we are in a situation, then whether we feel like it or not, we should get help. Seriously, get help. There is always someone that cares.

Education.com has a selection of articles on the topic, including these which I thought particularly helpful:

• What Happens Over Time To Those Who Bully And Those Who Are Victimized?

• What is Bullying and How Does It Differ in Boys and Girls?

• Some Myths and Facts about Bullies and Victims

peace,

Ren

Edited to add:

I arrived home at 5 pm... whilst waiting for my brother to open the gate for me I heard on the news that two children had to be taken to hospital after being beaten by one of their classmates. :s I really wonder what the world is coming to.

It's the beginning of Banned Books Week in the USA...

"A book is the only place in which you can examine a fragile thought without breaking it, or explore an explosive idea without fear it will go off in your face.  It is one of the few havens remaining where a man's mind can get both provocation and privacy."  ~Edward P. Morgan

Banned Books Week is held during the last week in September and celebrates the freedom to read. According to the American Library Association, it 'highlights the benefits of free and open access to information while drawing attention to the harms of censorship by spotlighting actual or attempted banning of books across the United States'. I don't know if there are any banned books in Trinidad and Tobago... if there are then I'm really not aware... I can't wrap my head around the idea of persons banning books though now that I'm thinking about it I can understand that persons may want to limit the thoughts and ideas that reading books can encourage. 

DailyLit - that very awesome website (that delivers books right into your in-box in convenient small messages that take less than 5 minutes to read) - has a category for popular banned books... Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, The Scarlet Letter and Wuthering Heights have all been banned once upon a time.  The Bible and works by Shakespeare have been banned. I'm very glad this is no longer so... I'd recommend any of the above as excellent reads. 

Free your Mind. Read a book. Read a banned book.

I am of the view that each person should be allowed complete access to information from which they can then make their own choices... If you don't agree with me - I'd like to know why...

peace,

Ren

Low energy...

"Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not. For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes." ~Yoda 

Just been feeling a bit low energy this weekend. Tired. Not feeling the force at all. Think it may be a result of a rough work week and a somewhat emotional family week. Am thinking about work and career and money. Am thinking about growing older and my family growing older. Am thinking about the state of the world. Am thinking that I think too much. 

Going to bed now.

peace,

Ren 

There aren't enough hours in the day...

"Life is like an ice-cream cone, you have to lick it one day at a time." ~Charles M. Schulz 

A bit of free-writing because I'm tired and not up to thinking in paragraphs...

I often think that the hours in a weekend day (whenever your weekend is) should be longer.. or move slower.. or something such that it just *lasts longer*... because it always goes by so quickly and then the week comes around and you're stuck in the grind again. Woke up today feeling queasy and head-achy and generally not in a mood or feeling to move. Looked at shows on the Food Network and HGTV... those are our tv's default stations... when there's nothing to watch or we're bored and must watch something those are the channels we land on. Aarti is always very happy.. and bubbly and I like that the name of her show rhymes and reflects her essence. Am trying to convince my dad that when he retires he should do something along the lines of HGTV's All American Handyman series... not successful yet but who knows. Worked myself up to make lunch - it's funny that sometimes I really like cooking and sometimes I don't... today was one of those days when I felt like cooking - rice and dhal and bhagi and curried soya... all of which tasted most excellent. Yay me :) Looked at a very predictable movie on Syfy... I prefer the old channel name of Sci Fi... Went out with my dad - TriniTuner's 4x4 event - we did not make it to the King of the Hill bit but we did make it to the Mud Hog event .. (there are some pics on Flickr)... I wonder if my dad would ever want to take part in these events... or if at some time he has wanted to. I know that I prefer to be a spectator (and a photo-take-outer)... those people that took part? They're very brave - or they're really into their stuff. It was fun to watch. Got home and my dad made dinner... it's taken him over 27 years but he's started to get involved with food and the making of breakfast or lunch or dinner. Been lazing around since then... spent some time looking at photos/talking about photos and photo-taking... Finally remembered that I needed to blog. :) Here, I am. 

Hope your Saturday went well... hope there are enough hours for you...

peace,

Ren

Stuff in my head...

peace,

Ren

Conversations in my car today...

"In conversation, humour is worth more than wit and easiness more than knowledge." ~George Herbert

Every so often I don't have the use of my car - this may be because my brother wants to go somewhere with it... or like today, my mom has to go somewhere (doctor's visit today - all be well... or as well as could be). On days such as these, I get dropped off and picked up at my workplace... as you can imagine (or as you can't but should be able to after reading this post) this leads to a lot of time for conversation. Cuz we're together... in a closed environment. Talk happens. I thought I'd share some of it with you :)

Conversations on the way to work (amongst my mom, my brother and myself):

• "Did you see the lilies in that person's yard?" - asked by my mom... Um. No? I do not maco other people's yards. My parents have this issue whereby if we're in the car we should pay attention to everything around us... which includes the yards of random strangers apparently.  This means that there is to be no reading/sleeping/playing games/being on the phone... one must Be Aware. Of course I countered with: "Did you see those orchids in that person's yard?!" (they were very pretty - pale pink and dark purple)... and of course she had not seen them. 
• "I've been trying to come up with a new education model." - this from my brother (who has a philosophy/psychology background)... there was a moment of silence before we asked what he meant. Have I mentioned before that my family is very into education? I think I have... We've all in some way or the other been involved in some aspect... Our country is very into academics.. I think that's where the focus was placed early on and now there is no balance. How do we bring about such balance? How do we encourage persons to learn? How do persons get into fields which they will find fulfilling? We talked about the Guru-Disciple relationship, about the Gurukul system, a bit about the education systems of the early Greeks and Romans. We talked about curriculum and teaching methods and then that conversation faded into...
• Talk of "why are there so many cars on the road?!", "where are all these cars going??!" ... because we were in traffic and I had to get to work. Why are all these cars on the road? Is it that people really need their own cars? Is it that our public transportation system sucks? Oy.

Conversations on the way home after work (between my brother and myself):

• "I don't think I can work in an office environment" - this from my brother... and I don't think he could either. This statement came up as a result of me complaining about the general nonsense that goes on in my workplace. At the moment I'm fairly annoyed about some fluorescent lighting that has been installed in my department that is directly in my line of vision. I'm not sure what or if people think before they do things. I need to search my Twitter timeline for the link to our OSH Act and etc... *sigh* ... I'm vocal-ish when I have a problem... but it takes a while for me to admit to having a problem. My brother knows and instantly says when he has a problem... this is why he's probably not suited for office work. 
• "What does this line mean??!" - Selena Gomez has a new song out... "Love you like a love song" ... I'm not sure if my brother had heard it before but this evening was perhaps the second time that I've heard it on the radio. Do you pick up lyrics quickly? Melody was nice.. we weren't really paying attention... then the chorus: 'I, I love you like a love song, baby' ... Um? I love you like a love song? How does one love a love song? How does a love song love? And then there's the fact that it sounds like she's saying 'I love you like I love song, baby' ... does that mean she loves you in the same way that she loves song? cuz she's a singer.. it makes sense... Um. We were a bit confused. Obviously though we will listen to the song again in attempts to figure it out. Well done songwriters... we are hooked on the song - though it's because we're confused and not necessarily that we like it.. (yet..).
• "Why is this road so bad?!" - the thing about living in a country with a pitch lake is that you'd expect that the roads would be somewhat smooth. This is not so. We were driving on a main road and having to navigate potholes and skinny roads (the sides were a bit broken off)... I personally think this question is related to there being many cars on the road... If there were fewer cars then the roads would get less use then they'd last longer... right?

 We talk a lot eh? That doesn't even begin to cover everything... 

Go out and talk to people... or stay home and talk to people... it's interesting the things that you may learn from people you spend a lot of time with. 

peace,

Ren

International Day of Peace

"Peace Day should be devoted to commemorating and strengthening the ideals of peace both within and among all nations and peoples…This day will serve as a reminder to all peoples that our organization, with all its limitations, is a living instrument in the service of peace and should serve all of us here within the organization as a constantly pealing bell reminding us that our permanent commitment, above all interests or differences of any kind, is to peace." ~UN

I don't know about the rest of you but when I hear the word 'peace' I always think 'pray for peace, people everywhere'. It's a line from a Christmas carol I learned when I was much younger. Today is celebrated as the 'International Day of Peace'. It was established by a UN resolution in 1981 and the first international day of peace was celebrated in 1982. This day is intended to be an opportunity for persons to create/demonstrate practical acts of peace on a shared date.

So many things happening today... I started off grumpy (re: very pissed off) because of events which occurred yesterday which I'll blog about at some point in the future. There were bad drivers, a cancelled meeting, people not being able to make up their minds. On the positive side... my girlfriend gave me the most awesome chocolate cake, I paid all my bills, did some grocery-shopping, survived the bad drivers.

Peace is in the little things.. it's something that we must first work at within ourselves and then our wider community. I think if we can let go.. just enjoy those spaces-in-between our very busy lives, the world would be better for it. 

Hope you had a peaceful day,

peace,

Ren

These are a few of my favourite things...

"Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens; Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens; Brown paper packages tied up with strings; These are a few of my favorite things." ~ Rodgers and Hammerstein

I've come to realise that it's hard figuring out what to blog about each day - one would think there's a lot of material but sometimes you just don't want to write about what's going on in everyday life... sometimes one needs a break from thinking about that. In light of this, I've turned to prompts... writing prompts are interesting. I was once a part of a writing group that met weekly to write for ten minutes on a prompt and we'd then share (if we felt like it) - it was very freeing. Prompt for today was obtained from the site Daydreaming on Paper - simply because I liked the name of the site and the button that one clicks to generate a prompt is labelled 'Inspire Me'... that's exactly what I'm looking for.

The prompt: List ten of your favourite things .. It occurs to me that I should search the blog in case I've written on this before.. but.. I'm going with the moment. In no particular order, ten of my favourite things are:

1. Books - this should come as no surprise to anyone that knows me... and to you now as well. I love books - getting lost in the words is a delight.
2. Ribbons - ribbons are pretty... whether they be hair ribbons or ribbon sashes or ribbons that can be used to tie up presents or to improvise as jewellery of some sort.. ribbons are pretty.
3. Gift paper - I sometimes think that I'd like to own a gift wrapping operation - this would allow me to have different types of gift paper and also to wrap gifts (which is something that I find strangely calming).
4. Floaty bits of fabric - whether it be in the form of a scarf or a dress or a skirt.
5. The smell of cats - I'm a cat person. I've recently come to realise that I love their scent - my kitten (who is almost a cat) loves cuddles a lot more than our previous cat - he has helped me come to this realisation.
6. Taking photos of the sky - I have so many of them... have you noticed that the patterns in the sky are always changing? I've never understood why people seem confused by me taking photos of the sky.
7. The moon and by extension moon gazing - I like the nighttime more than the daytime and one of the major features of the night sky is the moon... I think we are all connected to its movements through the sky... perhaps as a female I feel them more strongly.
8. Music and song - cuz there is always something that can fit any mood...
9. Family - I'd like to point out to my mom that this was in no particular order. I'm not sure how I'd manage without them... I'm quite sure I'd be a much different person without their influence.
10. Girlfriends - I've got a bunch of them... I've got girlfriends with varying degrees of closeness... they are all precious and help me work my way through whatever is going on with my life. (girlfriends to gab with and cry with and shop with...) lol...

What are a few of your favourite things?

peace,

Ren

I dreamt.

"So come with me, where dreams are born, and time is never planned. Just think of happy things, and your heart will fly on wings, forever, in Never Never Land!" ~Peter Pan

I very rarely do. Or perhaps what I should say is that I very rarely remember what my dream is since it is believed that everyone dreams. My mom and brother are the dreamers in the family, my dad and I... not so much. Once upon a time I thought that I'd like to keep a dream journal... there was nothing to write in it. Then I had a recurring dream which I eventually figured out and so I stopped dreaming it... and in 2004 I had a two-week period of nightly dreams which I did record but after that my dreams have been very few and far between. 

On Saturday morning though, I had a dream. I'm fairly certain that the only reason I remember is because it was in that hazy period of I'd woken up and fallen back asleep in the early morning. It was strange in a through-the-cupboard-visit-to-Narnia way though in my case there were a series of doors and landscapes. I was cleaning my room (I really *must* do this in real life). I'd lost and found my slippers. My brother and I were accomplices. My dad knew of some of what was happening before. My mom was curious. There were caverns and meadows and a rock band and shelves filled with knick-knacks and assorted furniture. 

I think I was looking for something but it all fell apart. Dissolved as dreams do when one awakens. I'm fairly surprised that this one has stayed with me and that when I close my eyes I can call up the images of each scene. 

I'd really like to be able to remember more of my dreams.

peace,

Ren

Dark thoughts

"This life in us; however low it flickers or fiercely burns, is still a divine flame which no man dare presume to put out, be his motives never so humane and enlightened; To suppose otherwise is to countenance a death-wish; Either life is always and in all circumstances sacred, or intrinsically of no account; it is inconceivable that it should be in some cases the one, and in some the other." ~Malcolm Muggeridge

Euthanasia. This is a word I learned in a story I read in my pre-teens. I was interested in the concept then. I'm still interested in it now. I've found myself thinking about it tonight. I would like to say that I'd never take my own life (in fact I think I may have said this to people)... but deep down, where all the hidden thoughts are, I know this to be a lie. I'd like to say that I'd never ask someone to take it for me. I would not kill myself for anything to do with relationships or financial circumstances or the general everyday ups and downs that is life. I would if at some point I got so ill that the treatment and the waiting did not make it better.  I don't think I'm good with suffering. I think that if I can choose how I want to live then I should have that choice in how I want to die.

These thoughts do make me a bit afraid - if I can have them then my mom can as well, though she is a much more innocent person than I am so maybe not.. I don't know for sure. Cancer again for the umpteenth time. On Thursday she has to visit with her doctor and decide upon a course of action. I know it's not easy for her, I know that she's suffering. If I were to place myself in her position I'm not sure what I'd say/do. 

As it is now, what I do is what I've always tried to do - support whatever she wants to do... if she wants to do chemo then that's ok... if she doesn't then that's equally ok. Persons have asked me why I'd support her if she chooses not to do chemo, persons have tried to convince me that I should convince her that she should do chemo. It's her body though and her choice to make.. chemo is not as easy to take as some people seem to believe.

If there comes a time when it gets to be too much for her... if she wanted to choose her manner of dying... I'm not sure I should continue with this line of thinking.

Send us some positive thoughts. I'm not sure why at this hour I'm having thoughts such as this but my mind keeps circling back to this point. 

Am off to get some rest - try to focus on the positive... try to increase the happiness levels... 

Did you know that tomorrow is the 'International Talk Like a Pirate Day'? I must admit that just typing that makes me smile... 

Am off to read about pirates.. and get some rest.. and stop thinking about death and dying and instead on life and living. 

peace,

Ren