Divali Greetings to you...

"As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being." ~Carl Jung

Holiday in Trinidad and Tobago today as it's Divali (or Diwali... Deepavali...) ... festival of lights... celebration of light over darkness, good over evil... does this sound familiar? It seems as though this is a common tenet for most religions.

There's a new moon in Scorpio as well tonight. It's a time for introspection. Uncovering what is hidden in our thoughts and feelings. Figuring out what we want... setting intentions for the same.

I'm in a bit of a mood. Quiet. Reflective. Over the past week I've had a lot of moments of childhood flashbacks and a lot of wondering about what my future will be like. I've signed up at 750words to write each day... it's a site inspired by Julia Cameron's morning pages - three pages of writing done every day that can be about anything and everything that comes into your head, no editing - it's essentially a brain dump. It's private but the site (magically in my mind) is able to formulate stats based on what you've written (I suspect algorithms of some sort are involved). I signed up three days ago and have since written a total of 2,402 words, at approximately 43 words per minute (this reminds me of typing class... though I can't remember how much my wpm was) and my words have a G rating (I find this amusing). The site also provides charts and graphs and such... it appeals to me.

 

I'm thinking I'll also sign up to blog each day for November. It's been somewhat freeing not having to get to a computer each day to blog but I also think it's a bit of a lack of discipline. 

I guess I'll have to wait and see what the future will bring. 

Shubh Divali all... richest blessings to you... health and prosperity and clear thinking... 

peace,

Ren

Mouth open story jump out...

"Telling stories is as basic to human beings as eating. More so, in fact, for while food makes us live, stories are what make our lives worth living." ~Richard Kearney



Caught your attention with that title didn't I? lol... it's apparently a Trini saying - I'd never heard it before last week. My uncle shared it in an email  response to one I'd sent. My family is made of storytellers I think. There are some who are able to weave words into songs or poems or stories and perhaps I'm one of them (or will one day grow to be).

It is my belief that in sharing our experiences and thoughts we also share our happiness and sorrows... we record our memories... we provide food for thought... and so this post is just that... a mini collection of memories old and new.

I went to the Divali Nagar last Wednesday all by myself. It is a combination of Indian cultural exhibitions and bazaar and is usually held in the week leading up to Divali here in Trinidad and Tobago. I can't remember when last I was there but it was sometime when I was still in school... secondary school? tertiary? I don't remember. What I do remember is that whenever we (my mum, my brother and I) would visit  we'd (my brother & I) get balloons. Helium-filled balloons in odd colours that we'd then tie on to our wrists. They had a purpose of course. I'm fairly short you see... (at 12 I was one of the tallest girls in my class - I didn't know at the time that that would be my final height) and my brother was also somewhat short (not having hit his growth spurt yet)... and so the balloons helped us to keep track of each other... We'd get separated in the throngs of ppl and then stop to look for a familiar balloon rising above the crowds... lol and so when I went by myself I missed it... there was no balloon to look for... except that I looked up at one point and saw one floating away. Perhaps some other pair of siblings had just lost their location markers? Perhaps some child had just grown tired of holding on to the ribbon. It was familiar and yet not and I found myself caught up in feelings of nostalgia as I wandered around by myself.

This weekend was Divali... we celebrated in a small way... just us at home and my brother's girlfriend. My brother cooked everything - quite obviously we've brought him up well - lol... Didn't have much to do besides organise house... My mum wasn't so well... She overexerts herself without realising it. Her doctor recommended that she do a session of chemo so we'll see how that goes... to do or not to do - that is her question. It hurts to see her so frail and sad-looking when I know what a vibrantly alive person she is. I ask myself if I could be as strong as she is if I were in her situation and I find that I have no answers. Who can say what they will and won't do in a situation unless they are placed in it? For now I know we're spending time in prayer... building up the healing vibes and such. Divali 2010... already come and gone.



peace,

Ren

Return to the Blogosphere...

"When you feel that you have reached the end and that you cannot go one step further, when life seems to be drained of all purpose; what a wonderful opportunity to start all over again, to turn over a new page." ~ Eileen Caddy

It's been awhile since I've been on here. I'll admit to starting posts and not finishing them (I've deleted those drafts... ah well) and also to having random ideas for blog posts pop into my head at odd moments. It hasn't felt right to actually write anything till now though. Perhaps I needed time away from the computer. As I've said before, between work & school I tend to spend a LOT of time on computers... it can be tiring.

I also was going through a down period (depression is too harsh a word really) - it just felt for a while like I didn't know what I was doing or why ... fuzzy really. It could be that I got put on the pill or it could just be overwork or it could have been any number of factors occuring in everyday life.

I'm back though.. or at least I feel more upbeat than I have in some time. It's that time of year given to focus on darkness and light and the veil between worlds. Whether you believe in it or not I think most people are drawn into the energy that builds at this time. Yesterday was Halloween - a holiday that is totally American in the making and one that is making its way into Trinbagonian culture. It annoys me when persons don't learn about things they want to participate in - please look at the History channel people... witches and black cats and etcetera were not originally bringers of creepy, scary things. It also annoys me that persons wanting to participate in Halloween in Trinidad and Tobago would prefer to wear scanty underthings instead of incorporating the local folkore - we have our own scary legends and folklore after all. *sigh* Perhaps I need to be more tolerant. My family (along with just about all the Hindus in T&T and around the world) is preparing for the festival of Divali on Friday... Right now is a time of cleansing, reflection and celebration ... to be followed by Christmas which should really be about the same. Prayerful times ahead.

And so I leave you now with a recap of the last month or so...

• I went to a rally with my dad... saw a LOT of mud... and some pretty good driving too:

• There was family bonding (on my mum's side) ... some family members died. it was the anniversary of the death of my aunt. there were birthdays... this is where we come from (my cousins, our parents and I):



• There was bonding with my friends... celebrating birthdays and the acquisition of new living spaces and the fact that we're still friends after all this time....
• There was awareness of breast cancer activities (October is breast cancer awareness month) - I took part in Boobiethon 2010 and generally tried to be supportive of whatever activities were happening.
• I read innumerable text books online. Oy. Leadership. Oy.
• We missed getting hit by Tropical Storm (now hurricane) Tomas.

What did you do with your September/October? What plans do you have for the rest of the year?

peace,

Ren

Tidbit Thursday...

Time: 2:38 am

Mood: alert

There are days when I take my time with waking up but that requires conscious decision that.. No. I do not need to get up just yet... Usually I go from asleep to awake in under 2 minutes.

I awake today to the sound of rain pounding on the roof. I lie awake listening to it for some minutes but then the thought crosses my mind - maybe I should take a video? - so I can share with the non-tropical world what a thunderstorm really sounds like... Alas, I'm too lazy at this hour to put on my light and get out my camera - just know world that it sounds like a muted roar sorta like what you'd think 40 nights and days or rain would sound like. Occasional flashes of lightening and I wait for the thunder but maybe it's too far away to hear it?

I wish I could lie here but I'm not built like that - must check to see that all is well before I can allow myself that luxury. I find myself hovering outside my brother's closed bedroom door - is all well? How can one tell through a closed door? No sound from inside and one must go on faith... Make my way on silent feet to my mom's room - I can walk silently if I have to though now all footsteps or soft sounds are drowned out by the falling rain. Hover by my mom's bedside and wait to see the comforting rise and fall of her chest as she sleeps - I've done this more times with her than other family members... Just because. One more to check on but first a detour to look through the windows at the pouring rain. Turning around am almost shocked by the sight of another person - no worries, just dad - and now you know I'm not the only one that does these checks (I imagine it must be frustrating for him now that my brother and I close our bedroom doors to sleep).

We go to look out the back windows... Can't see the river in the dark... Quick prayer that it's not on the rise though the rain has been falling heavily for some time. Soft discussion about the quantity of water coming through the spouting - our drains weren't built to hold so much water...travelling plans for the day...general plans for the day. I see the curtains move in the house across the street - we're not the only ones awake. It's mildly ironic that our weatherman said there was only 10% chance of bad weather... The national hurricane has us ready for storm watch but the weatherman wasn't sure why...

Time to go back to bed and I think I'll leave my door open for the rest of the night...just because.

-----***-----

Time: 3:36 pm

Mood: drowsy

Perhaps I need a siesta? Am at work - as I have been since 8: 10 this am... As soon as I got here I was ready to go back home. There was flood and traffic and was just really glad I wasn't the one driving. Got dropped to work by my dad cuz my brother has to carry mum for radiation. Ergh.

Am not sure how I feel about that. Strong tests by the Universe for all of us I guess. I just want her to be well. I think unless persons have been in similar situations they won't know all the drama that comes with having a family member with a serious (considered serious) illness. There's a lot of up and down emotions happening for me which I'm trying to level off. Positive thoughts needed.

I wanna go home. My computer at work is not working (I'm on someone else's right now) but yet I have so much work to do! It's an additional hassle that is not needed. Buck up IT... have spare parts... Geez. My head hurts.

Am being kidnapped after work though am a willing victim. Am bumming a ride you see (don't have my car remember?) and so we're going to have either indian or thai or chinese food after work. Yay! food! lol...

It's still not time to leave. Argh! Back to work for me...

-----***-----

Time: 11:38 pm

Mood: Contemplative

I should have gone to bed earlier. Came home and checked on mum. Day 1/5 of radiation treatment for cancer in her spine... day-am-not-sure-what of side effects caused by cancer treatments. One day the cure for cancer shall be simple and pain-free. Hopefully that day will come sooner than later. 

I've got to go to school on Saturday... to find out whether my dissertation proposal has been approved or not. I feel... no enthusiasm... am going through the motions... why am I doing this again? I must remind myself constantly. Personally, I don't think it's worth the hassle. 

Tomorrow is Eid-ul-Fitr - have been invited by one of my girlfriends. I've always found it interesting that the end of the year has so many celebrations... Eid, Divali, Christmas... that's what we've got here... all equally celebrated. It's a spiritual time I think... a coming back to ourselves... reaffirm... realign. 

I need to go to bed. 

Nite all...

peace,

Ren