Bad Hair Day...

"The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries or the way she combs her hair." ~Audrey Hepburn

I'm having a bit of a bad hair day. My hair does not usually do what I want it to do on any given day and usually I don't give a hoot. Today though, I saw myself in the mirror of our washroom at work and had a moment of "what's going on with my hair?!". It is now currently twirled up into a clip on my head. I know what's up with it of course - it got washed today... the day it's been washed my hair looks frizzy... the day after that it starts to become somewhat-tame... the day after that I can usually get it to do something close to what I want it to do... then the process starts over.

Ah well. I'm not one to fuss over my hair. I get haircuts usually twice a year... I don't like to put stuff in it... I'm a brush-and-go kinda girl. I've only recently tried my hand at using a flat-iron (though I admit to having both a flat-iron and a curling-iron since... forever).

On days like this I remind myself to be grateful for the hair I have... most times I'm happy with it... when I'm not in the Caribbean it [sometimes] looks like movie-star hair (damn you humidity!). I always remember a story I read in a Chicken Soup for the Soul book (I'm not sure which one... it was a long time ago) in which a girl was having a no-hair day - she had alopecia. I think too about my mom who has lost all her hair on more than one occasion due to chemo. I remember the first time it was happening I asked if she wanted me to shave off mine as well - she didn't like the idea... said that she was losing hers but that didn't mean I had to lose mine as well.

Taking the moment now to be thankful for the hair I have... and for being healthy as well.

peace,

Ren

I don't eat preserved mango anymore... (warning - long post ahead)

"Opportunities to find deeper powers within ourselves come when life seems most challenging." ~Joseph Campbell

I ♥ preserved mango... for those of you who don't know what this is, it's mango preserved with spices & sodium benzoate & am not sure what else (I never gave much attention to the packaging)... I haven't had it since early 2009 though. Why? Because it's not healthy for you... it's a long story and really you should do your own research and decide whether or not you want to eat stuff like this but I've stopped. I still love it though... the scent and sight alone triggers instant want. It taunts me from shopping aisles - like yesterday, when I went to the grocery... as soon as I entered, it was there:

K's Red Mango - oh how I crave you. *sigh* ... I've given it up though. I don't believe in partaking of things that are particularly unhealthy for you. It's why I don't understand the major obsession with drinking/smoking/doing drugs that a lot of people my age have - there are already enough diseases and etcetera that can shorten our life span - I don't see why people want to hasten the process... or want to live with health drama in later life that can be caused by unhealthy living. It can be argued that a little bit every so often shouldn't cause a problem - I know myself though... I have the craving for preserved mango... one bite and I'll want it regularly. lol... To each his/her own... every one must know themselves and what they are willing to go through health-wise.

I'm careful, I guess, because of my mom... I've said before that she's a cancer survivor - she was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer in August 1996. Since then she's been through radiation and chemotherapy (numerous times due to the cancer returning). If you haven't lived with someone who has a serious illness then you don't know what it's like - just as, I'm sure, I don't know how it is to survive a serious illness. That's how I consider my mom - a survivor - no matter how many times cancer gets her down she'll always come out on top. What I am then, according to Komen for the Cure, is a cancer co-survivor. I can totally talk about [write about? I can talk about it with people I'm on friendly terms with... it's much easier to write about it to the world at large] what that's like... in fact, here's my list:

What being a Cancer Co-Survivor is all about (by moi - so it's really just my perspective):

• learning at an early age (13 in my case) that healthy people can get seriously ill.
• providing comfort - whether it be ole talk or hugs or staying up late in the night/morning or going out to do normal stuff (like pedicures... lol) or providing salt water to rinse after severe puking (people going through chemo now - be aware - side effects of chemo 10 years ago? So Much Worse).
• discussions on wigs vs headscarves vs fine-being-hairless - my mom's lost her hair a few times due to chemotherapy... I think the first time was traumatic... the other times? I don't know... It's always grown back - and is now baby-soft... think how baby hair feels and that's how her hair feels now.
• realisation of the fact that you can't tell what's going to happen and any moment might be your last.
• learning to do laundry - all members of my family can do their own laundry. When my brother was younger (before secondary school) I did his and I remember doing my dad's at one point. Now - everyone is responsible for their own laundry - I help mom when needed - but generally we do our own laundry - I think that's worked out for the best.
• becoming immune to (or at least tolerant of) the sight/scent of blood, bodily fluids and strange-body-happenings - I'm forever grateful that my mom has never been so badly off that she's had to be hospitalised for lengthy periods - she does however, have to do regular bloodwork, she has had to have her lungs drained and she's also had chemo side-effects that have freaked us out (all her nails fell out once upon a time - thankfully they grew back).
• learning to be appreciative or perhaps trying to remember to be appreciative of the things you have and the things that you can do... this time around my mom's shaky on her legs (actually I remember her being shaky on her legs a time before as well - she was in fact skinnier than I am - which is a big thing when I'm less than 5 feet tall and weigh about a hundred pounds)... so shaky that she's not been driving - I realise now that I'm a driver that that's a big thing - it's a loss of independence and not being able to go where you want to go when you want to go... I want to tell her it'll get better - but we don't really know that do we?
• discussions about life, the meaning of life, death, if there's an after-death, reincarnation, soul-purpose and other topics of that nature.
• trying to manage your emotions (and - if you're like me - the emotions of everyone around you) - I don't like it when there are arguments and general grumpiness in my house (though I do contribute to that as well) - chemo can have effects on one's emotions though... this time around we've noticed that my mom is moody (in a gloomy sorta way) soon after chemo.
• trying (and failing miserably in my case - even though it's been *years*) to keep questions like: 'are you ok?' or 'how are you feeling?' at a minimum...
• learning to live with guilt... which I think may be my issue... the thing is that I live with my parents... which is really not uncommon for a 20something year old Trini person... I do want to travel and such however - in fact I *have* travelled and such and so therefore I already *know* that a part of me is going to feel guilty that I'm not at home in case (in case something happens... the apocalypse? death? dismemberment? zombies? I don't know...).
• being supportive - reminding mom (and myself) that exercise/healthy eating is important... or skiving off exercise/healthy food to do /have something more fun.
• giving love... because ultimately I want my mom around - my life would be less without her in it.

This is probably one of my longer posts - and still it doesn't cover half of what it means to be a co-survivor. If you're in this position or if you're faced with illness or if you're supporting someone that has another illness then you just need to remember - we do what we can... what else can we do?

peace,

Ren

I've been on the road lately...

"The feeling of being hurried is not usually the result of living a full life and having no time, it is on the contrary born of a vague fear that we are wasting our life. When we do not do the one thing we ought to do, we have no time for anything else – we are the busiest people in the world." ~Eric Hoffer

Of course... I am a travelling officer so I guess that's somewhat expected. It's also an explanation as to why I haven't really written anything in the past week. As I was driving home today though I thought that I should at least summarise my thoughts/events and so, here is this post:

• it's a New Year all over again :) The Chinese New Year began on February 3rd. It's the Year of the [Metal] Rabbit ppl :) According to Tarot.com - 'This will come as a relief following the tremendous highs and lows brought during 2010, which was ruled by the fierce Tiger. The Rabbit's peaceful nature combines with the noble, protective Metal element to usher in a gentle phase governed by diplomacy. Compromise will yield more impressive results than threats.' I like that there's another new year - this way anything that I haven't started sorting out I can refocus on.
• one of my girl-people turned 29... as in Twenty-Nine years of age... when did we get so old??? it doesn't seem like we're old  - apart from generally having more experiences and insights I don't think that much has changed. We went out to dinner on Saturday night - been a while since we did a girl's night but what with life & work & family it's hard to get together. Spent the night together ole-talking... life and love and almost-a-mommy / almost-a-wife / it's-so-hard-to-find-a-man discussions... good times - I fully encourage liming with your people (whoever they may be - so long as you are comfortable and trust them to be comfortable with you).
• attended the Launch of National Registry of Artists and Cultural Workers and the 2nd Symposium “Towards a Multiculturalism Policy”: A focus on the Creative Arts. It was for work - and was most interesting. For too long I think that T&T has been focused on the academics when it is plain to see that we are a creative people. I look forward to the development of the creative arts sector - and to there being space to move/dance/be freely.
• Chemo-Tuesday (for my mom) ... one more to go we hope... she's managing though it hurts my heart to not be able to help more. I realise though that I'm perhaps not taking-care-of-people-inclined... what this means is that of course I'm sorry for my mama... and I want to help ease her up in any way... but those ways don't automatically come to me... so. Meh.... doing the best I can - hoping for the best.
• had to work the 3rd day-2nd shift in the trade show that was part of the Trinidad and Tobago Energy Conference 2011 - another interesting event though I didn't see much as was working. Will have to follow up via media.
• drove here-there-and-everywhere or at least much more than I usually do... It's fun. My car is to me what other people's showers are to them - a place where one can sing-along and generally have a good time... lol... have also realised that the good travelling karma is still with me - have not had much traffic woes at all - yay!
• have become mildly addicted to Echo Bazaar - I can't even begin to describe how fabulous and interesting it is so you can read about it here or here or just go check it out yourself.

 And so - this is what I've been doing. Busy? Maybe... Kinda... It seems so (to me at least)... 

Night,

Ren

Living in the Body...

"To keep the body in good health is a duty – otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear." ~ Buddha 

Today I visited my doctor for what I thought would be a regular check-up. I left my doctor with two x-rays of my lower spine, 2 injections (one on each side of my tailbone) and pills to last the week. Ergh. Apparently I've got 'Sacroiliitis' which is inflammation in both my sacroliac joints. :S Just so you know what that is... according to Solonen, K. (1957)  via Wikipedia, "In humans, the sacrum supports the spine and is supported in turn by an ilium on each side. The joint is a strong, weightbearing synovial joint with irregular elevations and depressions that produce interlocking of the two bones". 

I've been having lower back pain for some time (months) but really just thought it's cuz I do a lot of computer work and thus a lot of sitting. It turns out that this really is the reason but it's more serious than I thought. I have this issue where if I'm feeling a little bit unwell I complain (a lot) but if I'm feeling really unwell I tend to brush it off. Obviously this needs to change. I've got to pay more attention to my body and what it's telling me. Cuz I *really* don't want to have any serious medical issues later on.

When I was 13 my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in its advanced stages. It is truly a gift ... and a miracle of sorts that 14 years later she's still with us and fairly healthy. She's had recurring bouts of cancer about 4 times.. 5? after treatment (in the early days radiation and chemo - now we're looking at alternative means) she goes into remission. It's been a lot of doctor's visits and hospital visits and interactions with doctors and patients and survivors. The experience has only left me with a healthy dislike for conventional medicine and hospitals. I don't want to have any personal experiences with them.

And so, I need to be more aware and take care of my body. It's the only one I've got in this lifetime after all. I generally think I'm fairly healthy... I'm a lacto-ovo-vegetarian, I have just about the ideal body weight for my height, I exercise (somewhat - much less now that I'm studying).. It's a bit of a shock to know that I can maybe have an issue that could turn into something more challenging. 

So. Healthy thoughts and vibes begin now. Want to join me? Love your body cuz it's the only one you've got. Meditation. Affirmation. Healthy eating. Exercise. I'm gonna work on it. 

peace,

Rtr