Been so long

 “No matter how much time passes, no matter what takes place in the interim, there are some things we can never assign to oblivion, memories we can never rub away.” ~Haruki Murakami

I have not posted here in ages and it shows. The log in is different, the interface. Everything changes.

It is a Saturday 6th April 2024, a Saturday following the Easter weekend. On Saturday 6th April 2013, a Saturday following the Easter weekend, we held my mother's funeral. 

This has been a strange week of living life and, at the same time, swimming through memories. So much has changed, from then to now. So much has shifted, in myself, in my family, in the world around me. 

Everything transforms. Energy flows. There is an eclipse on Monday and I am wondering what the future holds. Que Sera, Sera. 

peace,

Ren

Growing: having or showing life

"You have to grow from the inside out. None can teach you, none can make you spiritual. There is no other teacher but your own soul." ~Swami Vivekananda

I'm going to be joining a writing club and as a part of that process I have to submit a piece of writing. What have I written though? I came here, to the blog, that's been neglected for so long and found this quote above, waiting in draft form. 

Why did I stop writing? How has life become so busy that I haven't been able to share in a few words, a few moments of my life?

Why am I starting again? Starting anew? 

This life is a funny thing.

peace,
Ren

I now have an herb garden.

"To forget how to dig the earth and to tend the soil is to forget ourselves." ~Mahatma Gandhi

There is much to worry about in our country - food security being one of them. I've found myself thinking more about planting food instead of just buying local. I already buy a lot of local produce - have been thinking it's time to move a step further and start producing my own. 

This is not as easy as it sounds because plants do not grow well with me. I have tried planting things before (remember my flower garden of 2011?) but sadly, I've never really succeeded. My parent on the other hand has a green hand (more than a green thumb) so I'm hoping he takes an interest in the plants I want and not just the ones he wants.

He wants to plant seim and bodi which I understand as he eats a lot of them but... I do not like seim (I can manage bodi). Seim vines produce a lot so I know there's going to be a lot of seim in my future. I'd just like for there to be other things as well. I'm planning ochro (we've grown some one year) and bhaigan and tomatoes. They will grow in our yard this year. I will make it happen. 

I decided before doing that though that I should have seasoning. Herbs. Should be easy enough to manage? In the one day and night since making that decision, I stopped by an agricentre and ended up coming home with not one or two but eight (yes, 8) different herbs. They're already planted in troughs and pots so all I have to do is water them and let them grow... I'm hoping they survive. 

Please send growing thoughts. 

peace,
Ren

Thoughts on travelling

“Stuff your eyes with wonder, live as if you’d drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It’s more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories.” ~Ray Bradbury 

I got my new passport today. My old one expired in January and, because I do like going places, I went to get it renewed. It took 3 months but today I have my new passport and it's valid for 10 years. Yay!

I've been very busy these past few days (and months and maybe the past year or two). On Sunday I spent the morning at the Blue Star and in the evening we held a session at studio sharing about death and dying. I think it was an awesome way to remember my mom and her own journeys. On Monday my brother and I had a meeting to attend in town to begin planning for the 2nd International Yoga day. We decided to make most of the day an adventure because when else would we be going up to town? Our days are usually filled with classes or people and so it takes a bit to step away from that for other things. On Tuesday I had class and then the cute guy and I went to see Batman vs Superman before heading back to our studio to talk and meet with someone about signage for our space. Today I spent time getting my passport and then had to head up to town again before stopping in by my brother for a bit. 

Busyness. It's become a part of my life. Today I've been thinking about how I want to travel to different places. I find myself thinking that each day we travel - through time and space and experiences. Each day is an opportunity and, though I hope to be able to visit somewhere else soon, I'm going to work at being open to when and how things may happen. 

There are adventures ahead but also day-to-day adventures to enjoy.

peace,
Ren 

Working with a writing prompt today - because why not?

"At times you have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself." ~ Alan Alda

Dear Intuition,
You keep speaking to me but I'm not sure that I know how to listen. I am still working on believing in myself - in my strength and my vulnerability. I am still working on trust and faith and many things that sometimes seem to be too much to number.  

You keep speaking to me but maybe I'm just not ready to listen. What will happen if I listen to the quiet inside? Is the world ready for that? Am I ready for that?

You keep speaking to me through my body - each pulse, each breath, each shiver down my spine. Feelings that come up in my gut, my heart or my head. Throbbing between my eyebrows and tingling along my fingertips. 

You keep speaking to me - whispering on the wind, floating in the clouds, through the warmth of the sun on my skin and the feel of the ground beneath. 

You keep speaking to me from the pages of books, from music and song, from cards - I got this one last week: 

"My intuitive senses are opening more and more each and every day. Trust your intuitive wisdom. If your mind is closed, how can you learn anything new?" ~Brian Weiss

Dear Intuition, you keep speaking to me and one day soon I'll know how to open to you, how to listen and how to share. 

peace,
Ren

Cry, Heart, But Never Break

"The boundaries which divide Life from Death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins?" ~Edgar Allan Poe

Tomorrow is the 3rd anniversary of my mom's passing. My thoughts are all wrapped up in that. It comes and goes, moving between my thoughts of everyday life and my explorations of what I need to do for my growth.

We are having a free session at our studio - to talk about death and dying... I think there is not enough talk about that, not enough sharing of our experiences and thoughts. This is to start to fill that space. 

This came across my timeline (click on the image to follow the link): 

It's appropriate and is now leading me off down the rabbit hole of writings on death, grief and mourning. Three years have passed and there is still grief. As much as there is happiness that she is no longer physically suffering, that her spirit is not free... there is also sorrow that she is not physically here with me. 

Especially in this month as I get ready to celebrate my birthday and especially now as I'm thinking about marriage and what that looks like. 

Today is day 2 of the #100HappyDays project and I've already posted. Our days are filled with so many moments painted in shades of thoughts and feelings.

What do you feel in this moment?

peace,
Ren 

Things I'll be writing about this month:

"The intuitive mind will tell the thinking mind where to look next." ~Jonas Salk

It's the first of April and I'm going to try very hard to write each day. Every day. A post a day! What will I be writing on? Anything that strikes my fancy. This will include:

1. OMG the cute guy and I got engaged! Now we have to get married! And all the drama that happens when planning trying to plan a reception whether you want to have a reception or not. 
2. #100HappyDays - I'm participating in the 100 happy days challenge with a group of friends and also people I don't know. I realise today that this will be deeper and more involved than I expected as I had to google what "happy" meant before deciding on my first post.
3. Death, dying and my thoughts - Sunday 3rd will be 3 years since my mom's passing. We're having a free session at the studio talking about the yogic view of death and have invited someone to talk about palliative care. Death is so much a part of life that I think society needs to think about and talk about it more.
4. Yoga and being a business person. Do they go hand-in-hand? As much as any other occupation I suppose.
5. My CatChile & my parent - they are the two males I currently live with and thus I have many stories about the two.
6. Random other things I think up. 

For now, bedtime. We have an early class in the morning.

Night all!

peace,

Ren

Starting again (and again... and again).

"Growth is a spiral process, doubling back on itself, reassessing and regrouping." ~ Julia Margaret Cameron

I took a look back at 2015 and realised there were just two posts. This makes me sad - that I didn't take the time to write and record what was going on, that I wrote about starting back writing and I didn't and, that now I don't have the words to look back on from all the little moments. Ah well. I start again.

It's the last day of March and, as is usual for this time of year, I am contemplative. Reflecting on how the past year has been and preparing for my upcoming birthday and the new year to follow. A bit of recapping of 2015 is called for as I did not write at the time. There were miserable moments and happy moments - all learning experiences. 

In February 2015 we got robbed. The cute guy and I were out adventuring - cocoa night at Mariposa Gardens which was awesome and delicious and beautiful - and then we got robbed on our return to our car. Note to self: when parking in the daytime try to figure out what the place will look like when it's dark. It was our first experience being robbed and really not as bad as it could have been. We were healthy and whole and eventually (after a week or two) our things were returned to us. It does make me wonder about our society and our police force - I'm sure people knew who was responsible but no one was actually held. I wonder if people don't usually report that they've been robbed and so incidences like that just fade away. A year later and our crime situation is much more worse than it was. 

Also in February 2015 my parent got mad and told me to leave the house. I did (for a few days) - I don't think he expected that I'd actually go anywhere. Since my mom's passing we've all been working on how to relate to each other (consciously and unconsciously). It's a work-in-progress as, I think, life is. The more I work on myself - on figuring out what emotions I hold and hide, the judgements I make of myself and others, the thoughts that come and go - the more my relationships and my ability to relate to others have improved.

For my birthday last year the cute guy and I took four days off and went to Tobago. Such beauty in our country! Had birthday dinner at Table for Two and then got cake from my friend Herschel (we stayed by her)! We visited the Tobago Cocoa Estate and the Orange Hill Goat Dairy Farm. We drove all over the island! We ate lots of food! We checked out the pool and the bay at the Bacolet Beach Club! I think we all need time away from our everyday life both to appreciate what else is out there and, on our return, to appreciate what we already have. 

We were in Tobago again at year end - shooting a wedding on Old Year's Night. Have I ever mentioned that the cute guy is a photographer? He's an awesome one and I've started shooting alongside. No pressure on me as he takes all the shots that need to be taken and I get to experiment and work on improving my photo-taking skills. I think I see how there are lots of couples in the photography business. I've also learnt over the past year that I like culling photos - something he doesn't like (or takes forever to do) - so this works out well for us. 

The rest of the year, all of the days in-between, has been spent on yoga and running a yoga business. I have been thinking of writing a book: the yoga of running a yoga business. For me it's been about building a community - I find it hard to charge people for things I would willingly share. This is where the difficulty of business lies - must charge to be able to share. It is very fulfilling to be able to share and through working with others I've been working on myself. Growth. It's happening. 

Tomorrow is the first of April - I'll start writing about 2016 then :) It's been fabulous thus far! Hope yours is as well.

peace,
Ren 

Impetus

"Our work is less about changing people than about designing environments that rouse the healing and creative impulses latent in each of us and in the group." ~Alan Briskin

Hello again world. 

I've been thinking about writing here for quite some time. There's been lots of different nudges - circumstances that have me thinking about sharing and composing bits of blog posts in my head. Today I'm here.

The mother of a friend who comes to my classes has passed and today is her funeral. It's being held in the same place that we held my mom's. The cute guy and I will be attending because it's support yes? Holding space for others. Keeping everything from boiling up and over just by being there. 

I've been thinking a lot about how lucky I've been in terms of family and relationships and circumstances. I didn't realise I was thinking it was lucky till I just wrote that. 

I've been thinking a lot about the situations I've been through, lessons learned and support that I have. I'm trying to figure out how to share it all with the world.

This morning I reread the posts I wrote during the month of my mom's passing and I'm strongly reminded that I'd like to write a book about her. I have to start it soon. It's been on my mind the past few weeks with certain family situations that have been popping up. 

I feel like writing. Maybe I start here.

peace,
Ren

Happy New Year!

"Face new challenges, seize new opportunities, test your resources against the unknown and in the process, discover your own unique potential". ~ John Amatt

It's the Chinese New Year today and I thought since I haven't written at all for this year that it's a good time to do so. How are you world? What's happening? I hope the good outweighs the bad. Positive over negative. The wheel of time turns - what goes up must come down so I know that everything has a cycle, an upturn and a downturn. 

If life is good right now then take a moment to appreciate it. If it isn't then wait a moment - good things are coming. I'm being patient - taking the time to appreciate the good things in my life and preparing to receive what may come next. I'll be checking in here from time to time so look out for me!

peace,

Ren

Goodbye 2014!

"Year's end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instil in us." ~Hal Borland

It's the end of the year and I haven't been on here as much as I would have liked. I've been busy with yoga business. I tell people right now it's a lot more work doing the business side than the yoga - everyone seems to be, 'oh it must be tiring doing all that yoga!'. It's the business side of it that is most tiring, that requires a lot of mental power. Perhaps one day I shall write about the yoga of business. 

It's been a happy year - a year of figuring out what I can do, how I can improve, what I can contribute to the world at large. It's been a stressful year - figuring out finances and trying to manifest abundance. It's been a really good year with the cute guy. It's been an up and down year with the parent. It's been about the same with my brother. 

Lots to look forward to in 2015. I've got lots of plans - just need to figure out how to bring them into being. 

Wish you all the best for 2015! May it be a year of growth and abundance, of love and family. 

peace,

Ren

When opportunity knocks...

"Every door is another passage, another boundary we have to go beyond." ~Rumi

This week I'll be attending a four-day Mediation Skills Training Workshop. I'm not yet sure why. I'm sure at some point in the future I'll figure it out. For now, I have the opportunity to do it and why waste an opportunity?

I am excited - because I like learning new things. Nervous - because I do not like being in front of people. Optimistic - because surely this can only lead to positive things. Anxious - because I will not be home for four days; hopefully the brother, parent and Cat Chile get along well. Aggravated - because I had to find four outfits of a business-suit nature and after just over a year of not wearing such it's a bit frustrating. 

What are you up to this week?

peace,

Ren

November 1st

"The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance." ~Alan Watts

November and I find myself thinking that it's been just over a year since I left my job. It's been just over a year and a half since my mom passed away. Nine months since I've started my own business. Time passes so quickly and we don't even realise that it is doing so. We are caught up in living and I think that maybe that is a good way for time to pass. 

What is time passing? Moments that flow from one to the other. Seconds into minutes into days into months into a year and more. I am different now than I was before. You are a different person than the one you were when you opened up this site and started to read. I think it is interesting how we choose to spend our time. What do we give our attention to? Who do we stay with? What do we want to do most? 

I think there aren't enough people in my country thinking about what to give their attention to. Not enough people thinking about what is important for our country - if we were to still be around twenty years from now, what kind of world will we be living in?

Perhaps there are people, perhaps not. This month I think about me - who I am, what I'm doing, where I want to go. It's important I think.

peace,

Ren

Reflecting

"I don't think we spend enough time in reflection and introspection. We don't know who we are as individuals in this culture any more." ~Naomi Judd

A lot has happened in the time that I have not written here. Lots to figure out and work through. I'm 31 now and it is a strange thing to hear myself say. Adulthood is strange. Owning a business is strange. Wondering about the meanings and origins of words as I write them is strange. 

I feel introspective and perhaps this is why I'm returning to the blog. Need some space in which to work out my thoughts. What am I thinking? I'm thinking that I need to make time to do more reading relevant to life and living. That the physical body has built-in phases of life... I'm currently thinking about the possibility of marriage and kids and it's freaking me out a bit as I know that not so long ago the thoughts of such would not have occurred to me at all or would not have lingered as long. Are we hard-wired to start thinking about such things? There are those who don't so I don't think we are but... it's a bit of a possibility.

I've been thinking that owning a business is fun and interesting and scary all at the same time. That I'm not sure I'm entrepreneurial at all or that I'm in any way interested in 'business' - somehow I've decided to do my own thing and am now where I am. I've been thinking that hopefully at some point all of the education I've had will resolve into knowing how to market this business and do my accounts properly, figure out what people want and be able to provide for them and myself. 

I've been thinking that money is an annoying thing to think about so I'm now thinking in terms of prosperity and abundance.

I've been thinking that there are a lot of people moving through their lives without giving thought to how they've come to be here or where they're going. Been thinking about relationships and interactions - about give and take and emotional investment. Have been thinking about past relationships and what they've taught me. 

What have you been thinking? Any thoughts on what I'm thinking? 

peace,

Ren

Moving forward

"Growth is a spiral process, doubling back on itself, reassessing and regrouping." ~Julia Margaret Cameron

Once more, writing. 

I've been busy since my last post and I've been mostly staying off my computer. Staying away from writing anything in any form or fashion. Over the past week or two though I've been thinking about this blog, about things that I could write, about things that are interesting. I've been thinking about future writings - I'm planning out a book in my head and feel that sometime soon I'll be sitting down to start working on that. 

Once more I am writing. 

Hello world, how have you been?

peace,

Ren

A post about not being able to post...

"Vision is not enough, it must be combined with venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps - we must step up the stairs." ~Václav Havel

Sometimes I sit to write a post and words flow from my fingers. Sometimes I go through a day with thoughts and bits of phrases floating through my head that I know will eventually end up here on the blog as some sort of post and in some sort of comprehensive fashion. Sometimes I begin writing and am interrupted so many times that it's hard to figure out how to weave the words together. Sometimes I just stare at a blank screen because there's so much that I want to write that I don't know where to start. Sometimes I stare at a blank screen with a mind that is completely blank and then some minutes later I find myself wondering what I'm supposed to be doing. 

Most times the words are within reach... but, sometimes they're not, and that's when it's hardest to post.   

peace,

Ren

A complaint...

"All you need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." ~Charles M. Schulz

It's Easter Monday and I haven't had any sort of chocolate. Something is not quite right here. Yes, I did go looking for chocolate eggs very late this year (as in yesterday) and so perhaps all the Easter chocolate is sold out? Or something? I've had very excellent cheesecake, and ice cream with chocolate in it, but no specifically Easter chocolate. 

I feel a bit grumpy about this. 

Ah well. Happy Easter Monday!

peace,

Ren

Reading, reading and more reading...

"Books are a uniquely portable magic." ~Stephen King

Long weekend here in Trinidad and I've spent most of it with my Kindle. Sometimes one just needs to get lost in a book... or three. That's the number for this weekend - three books. Read and done... though I may reread again and again as I tend to do. Two of them I've read to know what they're about - my younger cousin was gifted with a Kindle and in trying to find books for her I just added these two as they were on the Young Adult's Best Seller's list. One I read as I discovered it on my Kindle... I'm sure I put it there - I'm just not sure when. 

The first: Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children by Ransom Riggs. It's listed as fantasy and that's always been one of my favourite genres. There's a hero's journey, a search into the past and family, the discovery of secrets which aren't secrets and photographs which were collected by the author and apparently inspired the book. It's a really good read.

The second: The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. I cried through most of this book. I may need to reread perhaps a few years from now. It's about a teenager who has cancer and a who-knows-how-long life expectancy who meets and falls in love with a boy. I'm not going to write spoilers. The details in the novel are very well-written - the cancer patients, their parents and the world around them. It's a beautiful book but perhaps I need time and space before trying to reread.

The third: The Secret Keeper by Kate Morton. At first I wasn't sure why I was reading this, then I found that I couldn't put it down, then I was sad that it was over. I would recommend to anyone. Plot twists and mysteries abound. It's also about a daughter searching into her mother's past... Perhaps there's been a trend all along with these books. History and parents and understanding of a sort.  

I love reading... I feel that it helps to open us up to experiences we could never imagine and allows us to relate to and further explore situations we have already been through.

Go read something...

peace,

Ren

Remembering

"Yesterday is but today's memory, and tomorrow is today's dream." ~Kahlil Gibran

It's Easter weekend and although the dates are not the same as last year I keep thinking of how the weekend before my mom's passing was Easter weekend. There are special times of the year I believe. Days that are good for coming into and leaving this world. Days for growing and harvesting. Days that have their own energy depending on where the stars are in the sky and how the people are on this Earth. I'm sure there are other factors. 

Last year when my mom was definitely coming towards her end I had thought that Easter was a good time to move on. It's a time of new beginnings... I've always thought that death is not the end of us. Just a phase. Transition. It's a good transition period. 

Yesterday I did the egg white in the glass thing. 

What patterns do the egg white make?

My brother does not know of this tradition which I found somewhat strange... but then I have no memory of him doing it with us. Just mom and I in the early morning before the sun came up, setting up to see our future. We have different memories of our parents; different amounts of time spent with them and different ways of relating to them. I'm only just realising this though I've known intellectually that this was so. 

I am remembering my past and thinking of my future. It's a good time to do so. 

peace,

Ren

Good Friday / The Wedding pt 2

"How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then to rest afterwards." ~Spanish Proverb

It's been a very lazy day for me. I've rested and napped and overall did not do all that many productive things. Sometimes I think the best thing one can do is nothing. Or something that does not take much effort or is enjoyable or is unrelated to whatever you've been working on for some time. 

I did go with my aunt by her seamstress who will be sewing the slip and blouse and pleats of our saris for The Wedding. I'm fairly pleased that I won't have to think about clothes coming up to The Wedding because they would already be ready. It's interesting that now we've moved into a time where instead of wrapping our own saris and making our own blouses/slips we can pass that on to a seamstress who will do just as good a job... and who will sew the saris such that they are easy to put on and wrap. The seamstress seems to have her own specific ideas of how our saris should be and I'm fine letting her figure it out - I just want to be comfortable wearing it when I have to. 

It's been a good day... restful - which is definitely something I needed. 

Happy Good Friday world!

peace,

Ren